In Stone

Little sweetheart, I've driven up to Davis today. I love being here. I have so many beautiful memories of our times here together. I remember how eager you were to share this place with me, speaking of it in such a glorious, glowing way when we first met, so looking forward to bringing me here. I still think of it as something rather magical. Much like you yourself - my miracle girl.

Your mom had a few things she wanted me to pick up at the house and there is a lot going on back in Yuba, so I'm not able to linger as long as I would like but I did walk through your closet and bedroom and the adjacent bath and take things in a bit. I walked over to the UC Davis campus and gave a copy of the new album to the station manager, leaving another for the music director. It's a beautiful, warm California day here.

I loaded up the things your mom wanted from the house and then drove over to pick up some dry cleaning she needed, too. Then, I stopped in at The Nugget Market, where you and I would always go the moment we arrived. I get flowers there now, little sweetheart, before I come over to sit at The Angel and talk with you.

I tidied things up a bit around your stone and arranged the flowers and sat quietly talking, sometimes wordlessly but full of every emotion, with you. The sun moved ever closer through the trees as I sat there, until it shown directly upon that little place where I know you are not confined - you are everywhere and free, I know! - but simply alight as I pause there. You alight in those moments there to guide and encourage and comfort me.

Sometimes, like just a few moments ago, when I sit here, Something wordless and powerful wells up inside me. It usually begins in my chest and then breaks into sobs, deep and escaping my throat. It's as familiar as breathing and it shakes me to my core. I think it's my soul trying to flee my being and fly to you through the air filled with my cries of anguish and longing.

I laid down then, my little sweetheart, face down across the earth there, with my head on your stone as if it were a pillow. And when I opened my eyes, so close to the marble, within the grains and texture of the rock, your face appeared. I could see your face in the grain there.

Many magic things have happened before when I have come to sit at that spot, and this - again, in the midst of my despairing - to let me know that you hear and are doing you best to help me.

Thank you, my angel. May I do as you would have me do. May I honor and please you in all things. I'm so very grateful for you, my love. You have been teaching me from the first - changing my life with a wave of your hand, in the phrase of an old favorite song -  and you are teaching me still.

I'm learning to discern your guiding presence in clocks when they strike or bring a significant numeral to my attention. In birdsong. In the play of light or electricity in an uncanny moment. And today in stone. In the very living rock.

Thank you, my angel. Thank you, little sweetheart. I will endeavor to do my best. Please take me to you the moment Heaven will allow. And know that I love you forever and with all my heart and soul.