Bad Day

Little sweetheart, I had a bad day. It was yesterday. It was Saturday. There was no good reason to. I haven't wanted to say here, because I don't want to jinx it, but I've been writing a lot all week and last week too. I feel like something big for you is coming. And work on Sometimes in Dreams. I'd been digging in and finally feeling like I was doing things right for a change but yesterday I got off track and I just felt terrible.

Sometimes, well, often, actually, weekends are the loneliest for me. I know that. I can feel them coming. I try to set myself little things - chores and work and ritual to help get me through. But sometimes I just fall into either despair or bad habits. I need to remember and listen for you. I know you will help me if I only listen.

Thank you for not giving up on me, my darling. Thank you for finding me in dreams and for sending me little signals in the daylight hours that turn my head and stop me in my tracks. May I simply quiet myself and let you guide me. May I do your work as our own. And please, my angel, please take me to you the moment heaven will allow. It's terribly hard here without you but I promise to try harder to do my very best. With all my love forever.

In Memories...

Little sweetheart, a video of "Transatlanticism", that I posted on FB with the caption "I need you so much closer", came up as a "memory" today. 

From 2009, I suspect the date corresponds with having come back to NYC for jury duty on July 1 and staying on because Wilson Milam asked me to do a play here with him. 

DCfC was an important band to us, wasn't it, my love? You turned me on to them and they became a big part of our musical life. You took me to see them in Sacramento on my birthday that year. We held each other and swayed and cried to the music. I sang the chorus of this over and over to you on the phone more than once and probably did this very day. 

Being apart is so hard. And I once figured out that even tho' we sometimes were, three weeks was the longest we ever were. Always with plans, always knowing we'd be together soon and exactly when. A promise. And even tho' being apart is hard, I always woke with such a feeling of well-being knowing that you were in the world and in my life, even if apart, no farther than a plane ride, a phone call, a text away, and that in a matter of hours I would hear from you. 

It's so much harder now to hold on to that feeling. But I know somehow that you are much closer than I can imagine. I woke today with the thought, "what do I do with all this time I don't want, all this time without you?" I think you're reminding me. It won't be long. Just hang on and do the best I can, right, little sweetheart? Listen for you. Oh, my love. I do. I need you so much closer. (so, come on, come on...) 

With all my love.

Yours

In Golden Gate Park near the windmill on a beautiful day seven years ago, little sweetheart. You wanted to go for a walk so we headed out from your apartment in the Inner Sunset, wending our way along, jumping a fence or two, because: You, very much taking our time until you had to pee and then finding a porta-loo outside a construction site, that you braved while I stood guard, before venturing back into the wilds. Later, we paused here in these beautiful gardens, sitting on the lawn. I took a few pictures of you and then, as ever, you snatched the phone out of my hands and shot this little video. I'm the one cooing absurdly, love-drunk, off camera. Afterwards we continued to the ocean and went to a nice little place overlooking the beach for dinner. A little trio was playing and when they struck up "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" I held your hand across the table and cried and cried. The sun set as we sat there and when we got up to leave it was dark and had begun to rain. We ducked under an awning near the visitor's center and called a cab, getting out at 9th, so we could could grab a movie from Le Video, and walked between the raindrops together the rest of the way home. We dried off, got in our pj's and curled up together, one of your favorite things, you had told me - watching a story at the end of the day with your partner. My heart swelled with pride to be called yours. A wonderful, magical day with you, little sweetheart. Yours, yes, my darling girl. Yours forever.

Great Cloud of Witnesses, The Communion of Saints

Little sweetheart, I need to do better. I must and I will. And this morning I was re-reading an email from a friend. Someone mentioned the Communion of Saints the other day and I was completely captivated by the idea. I asked my learned friend what she knew about it and she told me a lot including pointing me to a passage in Hebrews about A Great Cloud of Witnesses, which is a similar idea:

Hebrews 12:1 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” --- 

May I let you guide me, my angel. You're the best person and purest soul I've ever known. May I run the path you've marked out for me and join you ever so soon in The Forever. With all my love...

The Love That Remains

I saw this quote the other day, little sweetheart, explaining the meaning of a Portuguese word that we don't really have in English. Because we don't have one word in our own language that fits quite as well, it takes a couple sentences to try to capture its meaning. I find it very beautiful and appropriate but I also like to focus attention more on the last sentence - that part about what "remains". I don't like to think of you or us as being "lost". I sure do ache for you. But I pray so very much for strengthened faith that you are only a little ways away - a heartbeat apart - and that I will be with you soon and forever. With all my love.

Bang Bang!

I saw a picture on Tumblr this morning, little sweetheart, that made me think of you.

Oftentimes, that happens. So many classical paintings or early Hollywood photos bear an uncanny resemblance to your angelic features.

But this was something else - a black and white photo of a girl in a kind of cowboy outfit. It reminded me of a story you told me, a text you sent me, about auditioning for the part of a tomboy who was known for her BB gun marksmanship.

You went to Walgreens and got a big Ace bandage to wrap around your chest and try to take your boobs down a size or two (good luck - ha!) because there were multiple references in the script to the character being flat-chested (so, very much against type) and that was very funny, of course, but what I'm thinking of that I liked so much was your telling me that you showed up with a cap gun. A little cap gun pistol and that you preceded to fire it off a couple of times, much to the surprise and delight of everyone, startling them all.

I loved that, too, but what I'm most thinking of was your describing why you happened to even have a cap gun pistol at all! And that, ad you said, you "liked to run around in the garden shooting it off".

I just thought the whole image of you doing that on your own for a laugh was absolutely perfect. So full of fun and spirit. Gosh, there just has never been or ever will be anyone remotely like you. Thank god you found me.

Please do again, little sweetheart. Find me soon, perhaps in dreams even tonight, and take me to you - returned and at your side were I belong again and forever. With all my love. 

Please Be Near Me (and you are!)

Little sweetheart, I'm feeling you near - thank god (literally)! - today. I woke to 11:11. Then I saw this photo (below) of you and I and your parents from seven years ago today. And then I saw this wonderful quote from Rumi:

"One day your heart will take you to your Lover. One day your soul will carry you to the Beloved. Don’t get lost in your pain, know that one day your pain will become your cure".

This is so close to the prayer I say every night and day, my darling, to be returned to your side. Please do take me to you as soon as heaven will allow. With all my love forever. 

Sunday - You Are In My Heart

Little sweetheart, I was the guest liturgist today at that little church I've told you about. I don't go on Sundays nearly as often as I go to the little Wednesday night candlelight ones but last Wednesday that nice young lady I told you about asked if I could be the reader this week, so I said yes.

There were two passages to read, one from Exodus and the other from Matthew. The second of them made me think so much of you and you were in my heart as I spoke these words:

"...Come to me all you that are weary and carrying heavy burdens and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls..."

You are the great gift, the shining light of my life, little sweetheart. You are my beacon and my guiding star.

When I speak words like this or hear the beautiful melodies that conjure you, I'm so filled with emotion  - with love and longing, sadness and gratitude.

I don't know why I yet live, my darling. All I want in the whole world is just to return to you, to be at your side. I know I must wait. I know I must be patient and quiet myself and listen for your guidance and presence. Please help me be the man you want me to be, little sweetheart. Make me worthy of you.

And, please, my love, take me to you the moment heaven will allow. With all my love forever.