My Gorgeous Girl

A blessed, wonderful dream where you and I were together once more last night, little sweetheart. Writing all I can remember this morning.

And then come across an envelope with some spare head shots of yours. Even with pictures of you surrounding me always, it took my breath away.

I remember during our trip to Ireland, when we'd already been together for nearly 3 years, watching you get something out of the trunk of the rental car, while Kris and I sat at a table in the pub waiting for lunch to arrive. You'd just ducked back out, after ordering, to get a sweater or something. I gazed out the window at you, oblivious to whatever he was saying and just blurted out, "she's so beautiful!"

Feeling a bit like that just now. Love you forever.

Bang Bang!

I saw a picture on Tumblr this morning, little sweetheart, that made me think of you.

Oftentimes, that happens. So many classical paintings or early Hollywood photos bear an uncanny resemblance to your angelic features.

But this was something else - a black and white photo of a girl in a kind of cowboy outfit. It reminded me of a story you told me, a text you sent me, about auditioning for the part of a tomboy who was known for her BB gun marksmanship.

You went to Walgreens and got a big Ace bandage to wrap around your chest and try to take your boobs down a size or two (good luck - ha!) because there were multiple references in the script to the character being flat-chested (so, very much against type) and that was very funny, of course, but what I'm thinking of that I liked so much was your telling me that you showed up with a cap gun. A little cap gun pistol and that you preceded to fire it off a couple of times, much to the surprise and delight of everyone, startling them all.

I loved that, too, but what I'm most thinking of was your describing why you happened to even have a cap gun pistol at all! And that, ad you said, you "liked to run around in the garden shooting it off".

I just thought the whole image of you doing that on your own for a laugh was absolutely perfect. So full of fun and spirit. Gosh, there just has never been or ever will be anyone remotely like you. Thank god you found me.

Please do again, little sweetheart. Find me soon, perhaps in dreams even tonight, and take me to you - returned and at your side were I belong again and forever. With all my love. 

Please Find Me

Often, little sweetheart, I spend far too much time trying to distract myself just to get through the days. There's something in that, I suppose, that isn't entirely bad but it depends on what the distraction is and it begs the question: why am I not doing the more important things? What am I so afraid of?

In a way, the answer is simple - I don't like my life and I'm lost, so lost, without you. One of my distractions is scrolling through endless images online. Sometimes that's not such a bad thing, I guess. It did lead to my finding several of the artists we've worked with for images used on the band's albums. But it isn't always the best use of time, I know.

That said, I saw an image this morning that I've seen before and I think even saved. It's a wonderful shot of a red-headed girl leaping into a man's arms on the street. You can't see either of their faces but it makes me feel happy a little because I like to imagine it is you finding me, the two of us finding each other again across space and time and eternity - all those boundaries that I know you can see beyond and transcend now and that I desperately long to see fall away so that I might finally join you in The Forever and leave this lonely, idle, hopeless existence of mine behind. (the photo is below)

Oh, my darling, please be with me today and guide me, won't you? And take me to you just as soon as heaven will allow. With all my love forever.

Today...

It’s my second to last day in NorCal, little sweetheart. I go back to NYC tomorrow night on an overnight flight that will get me to JFK at 6:30am. Gah! I’ve not been home much since September - first the play out of town and then this trip. Yesterday was a great day. Beautiful, sunny and warm here and I drove down to SF to meet Greer Sinclair - a woman our producer wanted me to talk to - from the SF Art Institute who the band may collaborate with for the alt-theatre adaptation of Of Love and Loss. She is studying film and may do projections for us. She really liked the music and script and our idea and those videos (remember, sweetheart, I made a series of music videos - 9 in all - for songs from Of Love and from Angels from last July?) and she showed me some of her own work which uses a lot of atmospheric and silent movie type public domain footage. I think you'd really like it, my love. It’s very beautiful and kind of perfect. And I really liked her. I think she’s very sympatico. I think we’re on the same page. We’ll see how it goes, but possibly our next step with this will to be do something out here either in SF or LA.

Anyway, I drove down in the rental car to meet her in North Beach but I parked over by the Marina - where we first met, my darling - so I could look at a performance/gallery space over there. I looked around for a little while. I went up to where the theatre was and the stairs where you and I sat one afternoon between shows and shared a chicken pot pie I'd brought from home and warmed up in the microwave backstage. I walked all around and looked at the water and the boats going by and then climbed the long steep stairs into the park and beyond and began walking the hilly route over to meet Greer at this neat little cafe. I forget how beautiful and heartbreaking a place SF is, my darling. Just gorgeous.  My heart was so full. My thoughts filled with you.

The cafe was on Vallejo near Columbus. I was a bit early so I kinda settled in. Soon, Greer arrived and we talked and showed each other video, like I said, on our phones. After, still talking excitedly about you and how we might go forward, we went for a walk around North Beach, past City Lights Bookstore and some neat bars and a beautiful church at the edge of Washington Square and finally wound up at the Art Institute. That place is brilliant. You'd love it, my little sweetheart. An exhibit/reception was going on so we walked around there and then Greer took me up on the roof where there is a breathtaking panoramic view of the city. The building looks like the mission - a bell tower and a Spanish courtyard with a fountain. It was amazing.

Finally, I walked back to the marina and wandered through the rest of the Fort Mason Center, thinking about us, sitting on some steps and remembering the first time we kissed there in the parking lot. I wandered over to the farthest corner building - the "Festival" one that's seemingly an old airplane hangar - and there was an event going on. It was full of Christmas trees. There must've been a thousand. And little stalls to buy ornaments or snacks and drinks. Loads of people were wandering around with their kids and dogs and holiday music was playing. I took a turn through there, taking in all the sights and sounds and the strong, cozy scent of pine. Then I walked over to the newest space, Gallery 308, where that amazing sound installation by Janet Cardiff  - the performance of Thomas Tallis's "40 Part Motet" I told you about and saw last year up at The Cloisters - is now going on. It was wonderful. Very moving. I kinda couldn't bring myself to leave. Finally around 8pm, I started the drive back north.

I’ve been listening to “Pet Sounds” on repeat and it’s inspiring me to start work on two new albums for the band, sweetheart. One will be dreampop arrangements of Taize music (those little chants that are a French monastic tradition and that I discovered going to that little church on the Upper West Side, I've told you about) and the other, six ambient drone pieces I’m composing for the series of photos Jacs Fishburne took of me in our studio, superimposing images of you and text you wrote, both handwriting and typed, over top. What do you think about calling it Double Exposures? That's what I've been thinking we might title it.

As I got close to home, closer to your folks's house, I decided to make a stop in Davis, little sweetheart, at The Nugget Market where you always used to take me. I got a nice blue scented candle in a little glass and took it out to the angel to sit with you there and talk a bit. It was hard leaving there, too. I got back in the car once and then turned it off and got back out and stayed a while longer, laying down on the stone and talking to you. The candlelight lit up both the stone and the angel's face - a stream of its golden light illuminating her sweet face. And I knew that's why you called me back. You wanted to make sure I saw that.

I feel lonely today, little sweetheart, as I often do. Sometimes it's so overwhelming and I don't know what to do with myself or why I'm here. But yesterday was nice, my darling. A good day. And I need to remember that. I know you're doing your best to comfort and point me in the right direction. Please help me quiet myself and listen for you. Listen to you. Hear. And please, my dearest dearest, Summer, take me to you as soon as heaven will allow. I love you with all my heart and soul...

Your Koala,

Michael

Picture This...

Little sweetheart, remember I told you about the project we're working on with the art photographer, Jacs Fishburne? She came for a visit in August and took some photos in our studio. They're double-exposures that layer text and photos of you from all around the studio over some shots of me near the front windows. I'm composing music to go with them. And the first preview - a screenshot - of them came through yesterday. It's here below. I think it very well illustrates how you fill my very being - my mind and body and soul - with your everlasting presence.