Thanksgiving 2020

It’s Thanksgiving Day, little sweetheart. I remember that you told me it was never such a big holiday in your family - no nearly so much as Christmas - and because you and your dad both have mid to late November birthdays.

I’m alone, as I am most years, but I still make an effort to cook and so much so that I have leftovers for nearly a week. I think one of reasons why is that a few years ago I put out word for a few people to come by on my birthday and it wasn’t exactly shaping up. The night before I heard that an old friend had passed after a long battle with cancer and that the family was sitting shiva the next day, my birthday. I went to that and it was kind of amazing. 

Everyone brought food, they were lots of little kids running around, it was kind of an almost joyous celebration of my friend’s life - just as she would want it to be. At one point a five piece mariachi band even turned up. 

After I left and was taking the long walk home. I decided that I would cook and bake a cake, even if it was just me. That’s kind of something I do now. I try to still do things like I would if you were here. And in so doing, I really rather believe that you are. 

Happy Thanksgiving, little sweetheart. Love you forever.

Sounds...

Little sweetheart, tonight I was looking at a picture of you and I. You'd taken it with the PhotoBooth app on your Macbook Air and then emailed it to me later with a lyric from the Goldfrapp song, one of your favorites, "Black Cherry". 

I played that song tonight and from the very first notes was taken instantly to you, could feel and remember what it was to be near you, and I cried and cried and cried. 

I love you so very much, my True One. Love you forever. Forever. 

Remembering Boston

I’ve been thinking about our time in Boston back in 2008 - 12 years ago this month - little sweetheart. Indeed, whenever I go to Boston now, I always think of our time there together. 

You were doing Tom Stoppard’s play Rock n Roll in San Francisco at ACT and the production came to Boston’s Huntington Theatre for a six week run. I remember how excited you were when you got the job and asking me if I “would be (your) boyfriend in Boston”. Of course! And everywhere else, too! 

You were wonderful in the play - I saw it several times in SF and soon after you opened in Boston I came up and stayed with you in the sweet little apartment - graduate student housing for Boston University - where they’d put you up. It snowed while we were there. And we walked around Boston on your days off. I’d go running around the Charles River when you left for rehearsal and cook dinner for you before or after the show. We visited the JFK library and went to film society benefit in Cambridge and met Willem Dafoe. And I was there for your birthday, too. I made you dinner and a cake and we had a lovely evening that night after the show. 

I have such memories of our time there together, my little sweetheart. I’m thinking about it tonight and holding you so very close in my heart. How grateful I am for you! 

With all my love forever.

Deux Anges

Little sweetheart, also today on your birthday is the release of our 9th album, Deux Anges. 

30 tracks across two discs and 2 1/2 hours, it is, as ever, of, for and about you! 

I did a radio interview last night in England just before midnight as the hour of your birth drew near and the host very kindly told the audience of you (as I already had) and wished you a happy forever birthday. 

We'll be together again forever and soon, I know. With all my love...

Nov 13...

Little sweetheart... 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

You are my treasure forever! Listening quietly for your eternal, celestial presence, today. And sending you so much love. My darling, gorgeous girl.

Sights & Signs

Little sweetheart, walking back after my run in Riverside Park today, I saw a couple looking intently at something in the middle distance. I stopped and looked, too, and saw that it was a cardinal. 

I drew closer and saw that was quite a little one. And definitely a male because of the brighter red coloring, the female has red highlights, also, but is more muted. He was easy to miss if you weren't paying close attention. He was somewhat removed from the trail and perched in the upper branches of a slim little tree. He really liked this spot, you could tell, because he lingered there for some time. I think I stood there for a full five minutes watching him until a breeze blew through the surroundings and he decided to take flight. 

I thought about him - and you! - as I walked on. I read of late that when we see a cardinal, ancient legend has it, it means someone very dear to us who has passed on has come to visit us. That's why I didn't want to go until he decided he would flutter away. I knew it was you reaching out to me with love and protection.

I was thinking of all this during the long walk back and then when I was stopped waiting for the light to change not far from home, I saw the time - 4:44pm. That's meant to be a time, if you notice it, that your guardian angel is hovering most near you. 

Little sweetheart, the weather which has been so fine these last wonderful days, is meant to turn again. The days are getting shorter and darker earlier. But today I know you were with me. 

Thank you, my angel. I'm listening. With all my love forever.

Exhaling, at last...

Little sweetheart, we all went to bed Tuesday night feeling very uneasy about the election, here. But come Wednesday morning things began turning. 

Almost on cue, the weather, which had been dark and wet and cold for days, began to clear. The sun came out and the temperature climbed to unseasonable degrees of delicious warmth. Through the week the weather mirrored the results - everything got brighter. 

Then, finally, late this morning, the race was called for President-Elect Biden. I heard it before I saw it. 

All during the lock down this last spring, at 7pm each day, people would take to their roofs or open their windows or stop on the street to applaud and cheer and ring bells in honor of the healthcare workers fighting for all of us. 

This morning, I could hear the same thing, and I knew it meant we'd won. I picked up our set of sleighbells and joined the chorus. I texted your parents and several other friends and let them know, too. 

Later, I went for a long walk. It was glorious- the weather, the happy people, the brilliantly colored leaves of autumn, the very air. Up in Riverside Park, I came across an old timey band - banjo, clarinet, drums, trombone - playing "Happy Days Are Here Again" and people dancing. I took a short video and sent it to your mom and dad who wrote back to say "I love NY!". 

We do, little sweetheart, don't we? And we love you. Forever. Forever.

All Soul's Day 2020

Little sweetheart, today is All Soul's Day.

Over the years, I've liked to observe it by going to a service. In the early days, I used to go to St Thomas, which is kind of High Episcopalian - incense and ceremony - something one more takes in than actively participates. 

For the last long while I've gone to West End, which usually observes it not specifically on the day but either the Sunday before or, very nicely, with a Taize service on the Wednesday just before, just following or, if Nov 2 falls on a Wednesday, the day itself. 

This year because of the pandemic, most churches are closed, sadly. Even the beautiful little Spanish church nearby on W51  Sacred Heart - is closed. But I'm saying quiet prayers for you, regardless. Remembering with gratitude your gift of love and light that saved me. And knowing with faith that we will be together again soon and forever. 

With all my love.

A Wonderful Dream

Little sweetheart, I've had dreams of you sometimes where you're a mommy. One of them, famously, a few years ago, was at Easter. We had two little daughters and you were getting them ready upstairs in your room at your parents's house, a big sunhat already perched in your head, as I finished hiding treats for the egg hunt in the garden. 

Last night I dreamt that we'd had baby, a daughter, again, and I had talked you (and everyone, really) into naming her after you. It's all a bit foggy this morning and I wondered later if I could even think of a girl being named after her own mother (the way sons often are) and if she would be Summer, Jr. Junior is kind of male-specific, isn't it little sweetheart? It was a funny dream but wonderful because we were together. 

What do you make of it all? I'll listen in quiet meditation this afternoon for your reply! With all my love forever.