The Day Before

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, little sweetheart, and even though I’m not traveling we will cook and have a meal. We’ll get the turkey in the oven around noon and meantime I’ve made a few things ahead of time, tonight - the potatoes, that cold pie you like, and deviled eggs settled into that lovely little dish your mom got for us one year. 

However difficult things can be and have been, I’m always so very thankful for you, little sweetheart. You’re very much in my heart. How I love you!

Thanksgiving 2020

It’s Thanksgiving Day, little sweetheart. I remember that you told me it was never such a big holiday in your family - no nearly so much as Christmas - and because you and your dad both have mid to late November birthdays.

I’m alone, as I am most years, but I still make an effort to cook and so much so that I have leftovers for nearly a week. I think one of reasons why is that a few years ago I put out word for a few people to come by on my birthday and it wasn’t exactly shaping up. The night before I heard that an old friend had passed after a long battle with cancer and that the family was sitting shiva the next day, my birthday. I went to that and it was kind of amazing. 

Everyone brought food, they were lots of little kids running around, it was kind of an almost joyous celebration of my friend’s life - just as she would want it to be. At one point a five piece mariachi band even turned up. 

After I left and was taking the long walk home. I decided that I would cook and bake a cake, even if it was just me. That’s kind of something I do now. I try to still do things like I would if you were here. And in so doing, I really rather believe that you are. 

Happy Thanksgiving, little sweetheart. Love you forever.

Hot Chocolate Memories

Little sweetheart, I made myself some hot chocolate last night and, of course, thought of you!

It’s so funny that I rarely think to do that for myself, I always like it once I have. At Thanksgiving I was looking for a packet of gravy starter in the little bin I keep seasonings in and I found a bit of hot chocolate mix. I set one out. That was weeks ago! I only got around to making it tonight. I’d even bought a bit of whip cream at D’ags last week when it was on sale but it had remained unopened in the fridge since then.

It was lovely sitting here on the plaid couch where you and I would often ensconce ourselves together, to sip from the mug quietly, listening to a show on WFMU and thinking of you.

I remember that although you most liked making hot chocolate with milk at home, that you kept a packet or two in your bag when we went out so you could ask for a cup of hot water and make it for yourself at the table.

There’s something so lovely in this memory of you carrying hot chocolate mix with you wherever you go, little sweetheart, and I’m so glad it came to mind tonight.

Thinking of you, on this morning after the night of the Winter Solstice - the darkest night of the year. With all my love.

Thankful... For You!

Little sweetheart, today is Thanksgiving.

I'm all my own but I learned a couple of years ago that even if I am alone - be it on my birthday or some holiday meant for gathering like this one - I need to observe and not shrink from it. That only makes things the more lonely.

So, even though I miss you terribly (and my mom, too), I am so very grateful that you found me, that you come to me still in dreams and in the most unusual circumstances to fortify my faith. I know we'll be together again and forever. And even though I can't quite see where you are just now, we are together even in your seeming absence.

I'm so thankful and blessed, my little sweetheart. And I love you. Love you forever.

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving, little sweetheart. I’m on my own, as I so often am. But I decided to cook anyway. It’s something I learned a couple of years ago - to try and mark special days like holidays even if I’m alone.

In advance of my birthday a couple of years ago, little sweetheart, I asked a few people if they’d like to come over. I’d cook and we’d hang out and maybe even the band would play. No one could make the time for me. It hurt my feelings a lot and I was very sad and upset the day before.

But that night I heard that someone I knew had passed away. Her shiva was the next morning, the morning of my birthday. I put on a suit and walked up there and it was kind of wonderful. Lots of people. Kids running around. A ton of good food. Even a mariachi band turned up. It was a lovely celebration of her life. And walking home later, I decided I would cook and bake a cake and play our songs and speak my words for you as I always do since the first time I did - on my birthday in 2011 when you were meant to be here with me but on what turned out to be the day of your memorial.

You told me that Thanksgiving was never a very big deal in your family. Both you and your father have birthdays - November 13 and 22, respectively - around that time and Christmas was always really the far more celebrated.

I used to go see my mom at Thanksgiving and she would come back to New York with me after and stay up at her favorite hotel, The Excelsior, for a full week after. In 2007, she did. And right after she left, I flew to San Francisco to do the first reading of Tir na nOg.

It was December 1. It was the day I met you.

On Thanksgiving today, little sweetheart, I’m on my own but I’m not entirely alone. I can feel your presence near. I can sense you. I made the potatoes and deviled eggs and that pie you like, last night before bed. And just now, I’ve gotten the turkey in and the dressing ready to go.

This morning as I was having my first cup of coffee and listening to the mastered version of disc one of the new album, a sweet little bird alighted right outside on the windowsill. Just two feet from my desk. I watched and listened to his charming song and I knew you were here.

Later, I’ll have a plate and say my thanks - for you. For you, the great gift of my life. For you. And I’ll say my always prayer that God keep you safe in His care and that, as soon as heaven will allow, to please let me come be with you again and forever.

I love you with all my heart and soul. Best friend. True Love. Soulmate. Partner. Little sweetheart. Always, my love. Always.

Thankful... for You!

Little sweetheart, it's Thanksgiving and when I woke this morning, as I sat at my desk with a cup of coffee, a pretty little bird with a beautifully speckled breast sang to me, alighting briefly outside the window and I knew he was sent there by you. You're doing your best to let me know you're near and encouraging me to do my best and have faith and know that I will be with you again, soon and forever. 

I went to the little candlelight service last night. It was a bit different than usual. It had a Thanksgiving theme, of course, and as we arrived we were given a little blank sheet of paper that had a heading that read: "Blessings". We were meant to write down a list of things we are grateful for and then share those thoughts aloud near the end of the service if we cared to. 

I sat down and wrote about you right away. And when it came time, I'm told them about you. That you are the reason I am there. And then I read what I wrote. Mostly how grateful I am for you. How grateful I am to you. That you filled my life with light and love and that I ask God to strengthen my faith to let me know you are safely in His care and that you and I will be together again and forever in just the blink of an eye. 

It's Thanksgiving today, little sweetheart. I'm all on my own. But I decided to cook for myself and light a candle for you, like always, and to listen quietly and attentive for further celestial instructions. 

It's Thanksgiving today, little sweetheart, and I am so grateful to and for you. I love you with all my heart and soul. Forever. Forever.