About Halloween...

Little sweetheart, as I said before, I think aside from Christmas, Halloween was your favorite holiday. 

Somehow in my years and travels and disappointments, I had lost the joy I had had of the occasion as a child. Maybe - unless we're lucky enough to have children of our own - that happens to many of us. But I'll repeat here a brief story (that is detailed fully in our book). 

Halloween 2008 found me in LA at the end of a brief run of two of my plays in rep - Real Real Gone and Seven Pages Unsigned - at The Road theatre company in West Hollywood. I'd spent the week there and you were famously bemused because I was "in your state!" but we both were working - you about to transfer Rock n Roll from SF to Boston and me down in LA. 

You couldn't make it south although I came to Boston shortly thereafter. 

Halloween was the day I flew back to NYC from the Van Nuys airport and everyone at the Jet Blue desk was in costume. They were even giving out candy. The penny dropped. Like in a thousand others things your love showed me the light. 

When did I go off Halloween?! Gah! Was I too cool for it? How did that help anything? 

You gave me back so much light, little sweetheart. I had a five hour flight and you yourself were en route to Logan, but I couldn't wait to tell you.

One More From Ireland

Little sweetheart - I'm so grateful that I have almost 300 pictures from our trip to Ireland and I just came across another one, so please forgive me for interrupting the timeline, here! 

This is a delightful picture - so very you! - plopping yourself face down on the bed of our cottage in Kilcrohane after the long journey (begun leaving London at 4am!) when we finally arrived, settled in and were in our new home. 

So perfect! Love you forever! 

14th Anniversary of "Of Love and Loss"

Little sweetheart, it was 14 years ago today that we released the second Bipolar Explorer, Of Love and Loss  - a double-album that was both your debut, the redirection of the group's sound and its forthgoing dedication to be of, for and about you. 

4 years ago, on the 10th anniversary of its release, I played a live solo electric set here in NYC that was recorded and put out as a Bandcamp exclusive EP. Today, that live show will have a wider release. 

With all my love...

Halloween season

My little sweetheart, I think aside from Christmas - which you loved! - Halloween was your favorite holiday. 

I've so much to say about that! 

Of course, there's a very very long passage about it in the book I'm writing. But I'll be doing some posts about Halloween and how it was special to you and because of you, to me, again, within these pages. Comin' up!

(Together) On the Roof

Little sweetheart, here's a picture of us together a few moments later on the roof as the snow begins to gather! There's another black n white shot that was our Christmas card for years. Let me find it!

Let it Snow

Little sweetheart, I took this picture of you on the roof of the building here in NYC when you came down from Boston after Rock n Roll closed at The Huntington. It was just before Christmas and we had been sitting on the plaid couch in the living room when we noticed it had began to snow. It was still just beginning to come down but if you look closely you can see snowflakes in the air and dotting your hat and hair...

No Place Like Home, Right?

Little sweetheart, whenever you got home, the first thing you did - quite sensibly - was change into jammies and slippers and put your hair up. I was never much of a PJ's guy until I met you but you fully converted me! 

This is a shot of you in the kitchen here in NYC - it's so different now! - dinned in pajamas and a nice pair of Uggs, checking your phone, a diet soda at the ready. What a welcome sight! 

I always loved just kicking back at home with you, wherever we were - NYC, SF, Davis or on the road in Seattle, London, Boston, back in our hotel or guest lodgings. No place like home, right?

Save Every Text!

Little sweetheart, before you and your Dad got me my first iPhone for Christmas, my cell was the bottom-of-the-line Nokia I got when I first signed up with AT&T. 

Our entire first year of texts were on that phone and I had a huge panic attack a decade ago when it wouldn't power up anymore. The battery had swelled with the phone's casing and I didn't know what to do. 

I found a great place in the West 30's and they got it back up again but the tech told me to go home and take a picture of every one of your texts - I'd explained to him why it was so important: because it was YOU! - with my iPhone and save them like that, maybe even printing them out! 

I did exactly what he said. There's a couple hundred of them. This is one I just saw again today. A couple more are printed out and hanging over my desk. 

Love you forever.

The Sweetest Thing

Little sweetheart, still looking for a very specific picture from that county fair we came across on our way back to Cork City - it's of you in front of a line of tractors that the local farmers had proudly lined up - but this is a moment later when I took a shot that details one of my favorite things: getting way underneath the bill of your enormous sunhat and giving your pretty face a kiss. Love you forever!!! 

This Way to Tir na nOg!

Little sweetheart, one day we drove over to the Beara Peninsula. Kilcrohane and Bantry were on the Sheep's Head, the middle of three peninsulas, the southern one being the Mizen Head and the northern one, this, the Beara. 

The Beara was perhaps the wildest of the three, the most rugged of terrain, and it featured a tiny island - Dursey Island, only reachable by a cable car stretching over the shore, over the sea - that marks the Westernmost point of Europe. 

At the water's edge stood a sign indicating the distances to points west and east (including New York) and, rather whimsically, Tir na nOg - Irish for "Land of Youth" and the title of the play you and I met doing in San Francisco. 

Kris took this picture of the two of us there, before we headed inland to a little pub for lunch...

At The Shrine in Gougane Barra

Little sweetheart, on our drive back down the coast to Cork City, we had a wonderful day! First we stumbled across a lovely country fair! I'll try to find and post a picture or two from that! 

And then we stopped at Gougane Barra. 

You were delighted ... and surprised - when Kris mentioned it, you thought he said something about a bank and that we had to make some stop to get cash or something. 

Gougane Barra is a gorgeous heritage site - kinda like a national park - where Saint Finnbar (hence: Barra) built a monastery in the 6th century amongst a little island and surrounded by an old growth forest. It's also the source of the River Lee. 

You were completely enraptured by its beauty! We traversed the grounds where the monks prayed in little meditation caves, looked at the lovely churchyard and the cozy, beautiful chapel. I took this picture of you there, after lighting a candle. There was also a lovely hotel there and you and I went inside to get info - you wanted to come back in the spring to Kilcrohane (you also really wanted your whole family to come for a Christmas sometime) and you thought it would be lovely to book a night or two right here in Gougane Barra - the hiking trails alone were worth the stay! 

It was actually a very romantic spot. I think we both felt that, little sweetheart. I so looked forward to coming back with you!

Our Night at The Snug!

Little sweetheart, one night we drove over to Bantry - not exactly a city but the biggest village in West Cork. Kris and I loved a place there called The Snug - it was a rustic bar and restaurant - and we always went there for a meal when local. It was invariably packed. We could never get a table but instead ate, quite comfortably, at the lovely bar. 

The night we three arrived was like none other - we basically has the place to ourselves. We settled into a comfy banquet and ordered. You weren't much of a carnivore, little sweetheart, but you would have a nice grass fed burger now and again. We were in rural Ireland and it was the perfect place for just that. I rarely had steak but always did at The Snug. That's what Kris and I ordered, ourselves, and on the menu for you was ... Two Cheeseburgers! I'd never heard of such a thing and there weren't exactly sliders - they were two big cheeseburgers! 

That was your order and, as you often did, you saved the second for later, taking it with you for home after. 

Needless to say, we has an incredible evening. This is you enjoying yourself and the culinary delights, immensely. We lingered for two hours and when we emerged outside, Bantry Bay was filled with swans. I'll try to find that photo, too. 

All my love forever.

Heads Together at The Lighthouse

Little sweetheart, before we headed back and almost got lost (!) we took this picture together out at the edge on the other side of the lighthouse. We also saw a stone circle on the way out there. I know I have a picture of it. I'll find and share it here...

The Happy Ending!

Little sweetheart, that same day we took an epic hike to the end of the peninsula, I got us lost on the way back!! I stupidly thought instead of going directly back on the path we'd taken to get to the lighthouse that we should take another uncharted one on the other side... and we got waylaid! 

The sun was beginning to set and I got super worried that we were going to get lost - without another soul around - out in the wilds! I ran ahead of you, still recovering from that foot you'd injured during Tir na nOg - looking back every now again until I saw a sign you could only see if you were going the opposite way (as I was). Thank gawd! 

I ran back and rejoined you and we took the correct turn back to the car park entrance which had a little picnic spot. We breathed a sigh of relief and you sat on one of the tables, looking gorgeous against the sky and setting sun. 

A beautiful day with a typical bit of Summer drama! 

Love you forever!

At the Lighthouse

Little sweetheart, one day we walked all the way out to end of the Sheep's Head Peninsula. It was a long and winding trail that eventually led to a little unmanned lighthouse atop a peak. There was a railing all the way around it and as we looked out at the ocean, we could see a little set of stone steps on the other side of the railing and a sign saying Do Not Cross. 

Naturally, that is exactly what you wanted to do and so you carefully climbed over and perched right there. I joined you a moment later but first took this picture of you at the edge, looking back at me. 

Love you forever!

 

 

At The Pub

Little sweetheart, one afternoon we walked over to Johnny's house. He was one of our favorite locals and had us in for a drink. You charmed him enormously - like everyone - and we all walked together back into town for a drink at Eileen's. 

Johnny had just turned 69 that year and you promised him that we would come back for his 70th. In a world less cruel -indeed, in Heaven! - we always do that very thing. 

With all my love forever.

At the Edge of the World

Little sweetheart, Kilcrohane is at the edge of the Sheep's Head Peninsula and one day we took a super long hike all the way out. I'll post several of these photos over the next few days but this is one of my favs. Love you forever!

The Mermaid Staircase

Little sweetheart, one of the things you most liked about Ireland was going on epically long walks! One of those first afternoons we discovered this little spot by Bantry Bay. It had these mysterious stone steps leading down to the water's edge - perfect for a small boat or a redheaded mermaid to alight! 

Remembering our trip to Ireland

Little sweetheart, this month is the anniversary of our trip together to Ireland! As long as this website keeps letting me, I'll upload a photo or two all week in remembrance! 

You had wanted me to take you from the first time I told you of my travels there - to the little West Cork village of Kilcrohane. I'm so glad we got to do that! 

This is us near the edge of Doneen Pier, a nice walk from where we had rented a house for the week with our London friends and fellow travelers, Kris & Joy. 

Love you forever! 

At Mom's Lakehouse

Little sweetheart, hooray! I finally got the website to upload photos, again! 

Here's a timely one - it was taken out at my mom's lakehouse the day we arrived after news of her sudden passing. I've just been writing about it in our book and this picture also is the gatefold shot inside our new album, our 13th, Last Lights. 

Mom so wanted you and I to spend some time at the lakehouse with her and we were even planning on doing so but never got to. Still, after we both arrived - me from London (with your help) and you from SF, hearing the shocking news - I drove us out there because I wanted you to see the place. 

We could still feel mom's presence and I remember telling you that it felt like she might come around the corner of the house at any moment, out to where we were sitting on the dock, with a tray of root beer floats. 

I'll bet you two have had one or two while looking after me from Heaven. In fact, I know you have. Mom loved you so much, little sweetheart, and I love you both. Forever.

Tech issues

My little sweetheart, I will always love you and my life is yours. And if you were here, I know you would be the first one to tell, me to bail on this site, which is antiquated (the Blogger app has been no more for years, almost a decade) and now (this website) won't even allow me to upload photos. 

We had a good run here and although I feel a good deal of guilt in not having 100 posts here every year, I know that this site barely exists and it is hardly my sole tribute to you.  

I love you, Summer. You are in my daily prayers, my every thought and all of my work.

I love you forever. 

We may be done here (I will try again) but we are forever. I believe and know it! 

With all of my love and forever,. See you in Heaven and in my dreams.

Your Michael.

Still here!

Little sweetheart, I'm sorry and so remiss in not updating this page but I know you know that you are constantly in my thoughts and literally in my prayers throughout each day. My gorgeous girl, I'm so much older now. I can hardly believe it myself. But I've come to know - as you always told me! - how important health is. I always took it for granted and I've been very lucky but one of the reasons I've been posting here less - but always continuing our work - are due to a couple of minor health issues. I'm working on them as you would tell me to and I'll be posting here and continuing our work always soon. I love you so much and forever! 

July 4th, 2010 - in Oregon with your folks

 Happy 4th, little sweetheart. Love you forever.

Lost and Found

Tonight, little sweetheart, as I sorted through a few things in my endless tower of piles, much of it writing. I found what I just labeled as "The Last Notebook". 

For decades, as I wrote plays - often for you! - I would write them all out in longhand but I still had to cull them from these journals as I moved to my typewriter or eventually my laptop. This was one of the old style. 

My book for you is decidedly composed only within particular and dedicated notebooks- it's only that content, not an ongoing journal with the project included, ongoing. I have a pile of them. Once it is finally completed I may take a picture. The many many notebooks in heap on the floor of this apartment that we knew together. Perhaps with me perched upon all or near it. 

But something happened tonight. 

I found the notebook I was writing contemporaneous to your passing. 

We've returned from our legendary trip to Ireland. We have Christmas. I return for the screening of our film Two from The Line and Valentines Day and our production of Blackbird. 

It's all there, all our triumphs and failures and my own - my struggles, our own together - the normal give and take of our relationship, like any other - not knowing how little time we have or, even happy and in love, that it will abruptly end and the grief that will haunt me to my own grave. 

In the end I'm writing from the hospital and finally in the hours before you pass. It's harrowing. But I needed to see it. It's true.

I have so much work to do, little sweetheart.

We have a new album coming out, our 13th, in 11 days - on June 21st the Summer Solstice. 

I'm so much older now, little sweetheart, I wonder if you would even recognize me. I hope my work, our work, preserves and conjures and honors you. 

I would be lost without Sylvia - who I know you see and love, we'll all be together someday - and your parents, who are so dear to me. Our family. 

I want and need to just keep trying. It was a moment tonight that I won't forget. I've set the notebook aside and marked some of its pages. I think it will help me. I feel like you've told me something - both about our own story, however tragic, and how I must go forward in the love. That that is exactly what you want for me. Didn't you tell me yourself that when we love someone it is forever? We don't forsake them by loving another! It's why we are here! And this love binds us all! Even my faith tells me so! 

I'm so sorry that I make and have made so many mistakes. Thank you for finding me tonight - I often see you in dreams, and I need to write of that here more often. Tonight, I've set aside this "Last Notebook" I just have to fully take it in. 

Love you forever. -M

I Believe

Oh, little sweetheart. I heard the most beautiful song at last night's Good Friday service. It made me cry and cry. It's a quite recent composition and I heard the NYC Trinity Church Choir sing it but the video below is (I think) its very first performance. The young conductor comes out at the end. I'll leave the notes about it (and the amazing words) below. 

It just is a breathtaking expression of faith! How I miss you, little sweetheart, and my mom, too. I hope you two are having a root beer float in Heaven right now and not worrying about me too much, knowing that things like this get to me. We'll all be together again and forever, soon. I believe. With all my love...

NOTES about ""Even When He is Silent"

Commissioned by the St. Olaf Festival in Trondheim, Norway (Olavsfestdagene). 

The text was found in a concentration camp after World War 2: 

I believe in the sun, even when it's not shining. 

I believe in love, even when I feel it not. 

I believe in God, even when He is silent.

On Good Friday

Here, little sweetheart, are remarks I composed and delivered for a Good Friday service a few years ago at NYC's historic West End Collegiate Church. With all my love forever.

 

The 19th

Although the 18th is such a tragically sad day to remember each year, little sweetheart, I must remind myself that the 19th is actually a glorious one because it is the day that we recognized as our anniversary. Although we'd first met in December the year before and had our first kiss a week or so earlier that March, the 19th was the night you drove me home - or rather I drove your car, as you directed me to, with you next to me in the passenger seat - parked on a hill outside the place I was staying in Bernal Heights and made your move. "Oh!" - I finally got it and asked if maybe you'd like to come in and have a cup of tea. You did, of course, and there's far more to tell but it was very much our first night. Let's make sure we remember this glorious day forever. With all my love... 

Nightships

Written for you tonight, my little sweetheart. Sylvia will voice and I will underscore it on the new album. With all my love forever.  

 

NIGHTSHIPS

In restless hours, quiet angels -
Determined,
The holiest of ghosts -
Astride pinpoints of moonbeam
That stream between a gap in the curtains,
Alight beside us at bedside
As we lay dreaming.
Sensing trouble,
She reroutes our course,
Righting these nightships
That carry us far too close
To misadventure and rocky shores.
Anxious thoughts allayed,
Instead,
She steers us toward healing
And the bright horizon
As dawn approaches,
In hopes we will remember.  

 

 

On This Day (and every day)

Thinking of you, little sweetheart, on this day and every day. Some more words of, for and about you here. With all my love forever. 

Last Night's Dream

I had such an unusual dream last night, little sweetheart. You and I were at some awards ceremony - it might have for the theatre or maybe it was a film festival. Anyway, we both were nominated and we both won! I don't know why I dreamt that part - maybe because tonight is the Academy Awards (although I rarely watch and only mostly did with you and even then we usually forgot they were even on until an hour after it had begun and were like "Oh, yeah - the Oscars..." and would turn on the TV in your room, halfway through. 

Anyway, the more interesting part of the dream was after. We were staying in some little hotel and we had to check out by noon. We both got up and I thought you were in the bathroom but just then someone knocked on the door. It was room service and they were bringing up your breakfast order. I asked if they could bring something up for me too and the lady was a little flustered but said yes, she'd have to hurry because the kitchen was about to close. 

After she left I was getting dressed and I looked in the mirror and noticed I had a new line on my forehead. I started to examine and touch it and I noticed that I was bleeding. Like above my hairline and then all down my face. I tried wiping the blood away but it kept bleeding. I knocked on the bathroom door but you weren't in there, so I went in, put a washcloth under cold water in the sink and pressed it to my forehead until the bleeding stopped. I cleaned up and everything looked okay. 

Just then you came back into the room smiling and pushing an upright piano on wheels into the room. "I found it upstairs!", you said, beaming mischievously. It was like an electric piano, a Rhodes or something - short scale, 49 keys or so and a full on piece of work with a wooden base - not just a keyboard on a stand.  But also light enough to move around on casters somehow. "Let's take it home!"  you said. 

We were really happy with your find and our night. Then I woke up. 

Ha! What do you think it all means? 

With love... your Michael

Tonight, Remembered

Tonight, little sweetheart, was our last night before the tragic and impossible. 

Honestly, we'd had a rough day. We were in a difficult period of rehearsal for "Blackbird" - in hindsight an amazing project because it was a play for just we two - and we were a little stressed, after. But we talked it through, ordered a pizza for dinner (we never did that) from a place, incredibly called "Escape From New York", watched a story and fell asleep together.

We woke up healed, hopeful and headed back to a run-through of all we had of the play off book and blocked - our first full run through - and it was astonishing. We had it. Our director was beside himself with joy. This was going to be the best production in SF in a decade and we had it with two more weeks to polish. We headed off triumphant ... to buy groceries (homebodies, we just wanted to be in our jammies together with a DVD) and have a rare night off at home...

More about tomorrow, tomorrow, but tonight - tonight, we couldn't know anything. 

It's years later  - 15 years - little sweetheart. I'm feeling so much tonight and don't know what to say. I'm working on the book. I'm working on our 13th album.

Love you forever. See there. 

Valentines

Little sweetheart, it's Valentines Day and, of course, I think of our famous "Trip to the Snow" - when your folks invited us all to a weekend getaway in Lake Tahoe. 

You and I came up from SF after your class at the YC, where you were teaching. We'd passed by a shop window display a day or two earlier that had featured a pretty bra and panty set, Valentine-themed in black with red and pink hearts. You'd admired it from the sidewalk, so I circled back on my own and bought it. I gave you the brightly colored gift package when I picked you up in the car. You opened it in the back seat and swooned. I was so happy!

We had a long drive ahead through the mountains and increasing snow. We stopped at one point to gas up and get snacks. As I paid inside, I saw a pair of heart-shaped sunglasses and bought them for you. I couldn't help but gush to the cashier "have you ever seen such a beautiful girl?!" You were a little embarrassed but I was overwhelmed. 

How I love you! Forever! Take me home to you, soon!

Forever

Thinking of you always, little sweetheart. Between travels and troubled times, I've not kept up this page nearly enough but you are in my every thought and all of my work. The book goes forward, I'm in the thickest parts of our 13th album - the great Max Reinhardt had me on air recent to talk about it - and I love you with all my soul. More imminently. Love you forever.