More Radio Days

I almost forgot to mention, little sweetheart, that you've been on the radio twice in the last couple of days! 

As we're ramping up to the release of the new album, our 9th, Deux Anges, on your birthday, it's nice to report! 

Yesterday, WFMU, reached back to 2012's double-album Of Love and Loss, to play "Out", with your soaring vocals weaving in and out and floating above my own. 

And on Saturday morning 'FMU's Jefferey Davison played our most recent single "eleven:eleven" - the track I composed and we recorded for the UK's Dark Outside last April. Again, your vocals soaring above the bed of experimental dreampop sounds, Jeffrey had the kindest words, saying: 

"A long piece, "eleven:eleven", on Slugg Records, from Bipolar Explorer. I’ve played them before. Their stuff is really beautiful and I have to say this might be definitely maybe one of the more beautiful things I’ve heard from them – which is saying something. Really gorgeous piece.” 

As ever, little sweetheart - it's all for you! With all my love forever. 

eleven:eleven

Endeavoring, as I said, little sweetheart, to do our work with greater vigor and energy and even as I work on both the book and our 9th album, another special project has come up.

For the second year in a row we’ve been invited to contribute a new work for the experimental radio event The Dark Outside in London.

It’s due mid month and Sylvia & I have just finished tracking it, your vocals very much leading the way. I’m working on the final mix now before sending it up to Boston for mastering and them on to London for the festival itself.

It’s called eleven:eleven - named for that special time of day when we are told our angels are often most close.

As ever, it’s all for you, my gorgeous girl. Soon and again I can say “listen, little sweetheart - you’re on the radio!”.

With all my love forever.

Day 5

On the last day of the road trip, little sweetheart. It’s a mini version of something I’ve always wanted to do. I know it wouldn’t be your cup of tea - how you hated being in the car! Ha! But there have been lots of stops, pulling over and talking in the amazing vistas of sea and sky and mountains. We’ve taken lots of pictures and Sylvia has been filming as I’ve driven the winding mountain roads. I think we’ll certainly find some of the footage in future videos for both bands.

Last night we stayed in Carmel. We didn’t book the last night until we were already on the trip halfway down the coast. I was avoiding Carmel, to be honest, little sweetheart. Not because it isn’t lovely but because I spent such wonderful times there with you that I thought it would hurt far too much. I’ll tell you why, even though I know you already know. You know everything.

After your tragic passing, I still had over a week left before my originally scheduled flight home. It was less expensive to rent a car and stay in California than to change my ticket and go home and I couldn’t think what to do with myself anyway. I thought maybe I’d drive down to LA and see some friends, taking a trip along Highway One, just like this one Sylvia and I have finally done to Santa Barbara and back.

My first stop was Carmel, where you and I had spent such wonderful times. I had this idea that I would find your spirit, newly freed of your body, lingering there. That I would find you. But what I mostly found was unendurable pain. I walked the little streets where I had held your hand, just months before, and wept. I tried to go down to the beach where I had held you in my arms but I limped to a tree and hid there, too broken to make it to the water. I went back to the hotel room I’d checked into an hour earlier and collapsed on the floor in tears, trying to get someone, anyone, on the phone. A friend, one of my agents in New York, told me to get out of there. Just check back out, get in the rental car and drive back to Marin where I’d been staying with Chris and Sheri.

And that’s what I did. For a long long time, for years, I was afraid any travel would be exactly like this - that if it was a place you and I had been, it would crush me, and if it was a place that we hadn’t, I would miss you so achingly I would break in two. This morning, little sweetheart, I don’t feel that way - I feel you with me, with us, instead, finally.

We’ve been visiting some of the Missions along the way. I didn’t even realize Carmel had one of them. It turned out to be, perhaps, our favorite. Just before we went inside, locking the car, I looked down at my phone. It was exactly 11:11am. Angel time. How well I knew you were right there.

Later, we walked down to the beach. I went to the other side of that tree where I wept before and took off my shoes and headed down to the water’s edge. I went a long way down the beach. Sylvia had stayed behind just watching me as I prayed and spoke to you. She took the most amazing picture of the moment.

A year ago, for 10 minutes, my heart stopped. In that strange place between worlds I felt the efforts of you, little sweetheart, and angels on both sides of the divide turn me back, return me to earth. I still feel so devastatingly sad sometimes, little sweetheart, but I know there must be a reason I remain. Please help and guide me, as I know you’ve done today.

I love you with all my heart and soul. Forever. Forever.

The More That Simply Is

Little sweetheart, it’s four months since getting hit by the car and I only just today thought of something...

Both events - getting hit and two weeks later having the pulmonary embolism - happened on a Tuesday. And the latter, when my heart stopped for ten minutes was Tuesday May 8th, so very like the tragic accident that took you from me, which happened on Tuesday March 8th.

Numbers sometimes surround me in strange ways, little sweetheart. Some numbers will just very insistently come into my head. Often the angel numbers - eleven eleven - will appear as I glance at a clock. Or sometimes I’ll wonder what time it is while out walking, say the time out loud, then walk past a parking meter to find that is the exact time precisely.

Numbers and birdsong and glancing celestial light striking objects. A watch, long stopped, that begins suddenly ticking again, awakened. Dreams where you appear to me. All these things continue to confirm and comfort me with the knowledge that there is so much just beyond my grasp or sight or apprehension that nonetheless is. And I know I’ll be with you again soon and forever.

Sights & Signs

Just on the way back from my run, little sweetheart and I stopped, as ever, in front of the little shrine in the garden of the rectory at Sacred Heart to say our prayer. As I did, and as there often is, there were sweet little birds fluttering overhead, some alighting on branches, others enjoying the little birdbath there and singing their glorious little songs. One in particular was taking a prolonged dip as I spoke our prayer and as I finished he was splashing, fully-soaked, quite happily, his little wings stirring up quite a watery uproar.

As I turned, I suddenly smelled your signature sweet scent - like cotton candy or the best birthday cake anyone ever made for you. And there was not a person in sight. It only lasted a moment but I knew you were there.

Just as I watch for the angel numbers 11:11 to appear and as they did this morning, I know you are letting me know, as best you can, to do my very best and to have faith that you are both nearer than I can imagine and will take me to you so very soon and forever.

Thank you, my angel, my True Love, my soulmate, my little sweetheart. I love you with all my heart and soul.

Great Soul

Little sweetheart, I’m having difficulties. But you are the blessing of my life, even in my distraction and despair.

On Sunday, as I told you, I went up to that little church at West End and W77th St. The sermon was very interesting because one of the things he talked about was the scholarly origin of the Seven Deadly Sins. That it wasn’t set out as a fire and brimstone tract to excoriate us, even though it became appropriated and synonymous with that. It was really an attempt to identify what gets in our way habitually and how to free ourselves of what’s preventing us from being whole. He cited the word “pusillanimous”.  A rather rare word to most people although as a couple of old theatre types like yourself and I, I think we’d recall its centrality to a speech in John Osborne’s “Look Back in Anger”.

What I didn’t know and what Osborne fails to share is that the Latin origin of the word is really something quite different from the modern, albeit rare, usage. It literally means “smallness of spirit”. The diminishing of our soul. And when we let things habitually sap this spirit that is not only inside but is the very essence of who and what we are - our very soul - we shrink and become lesser, less than what and who we truly are.

Little sweetheart, that happens to me. I get wrapped up in bad things, soul diminishing habits that keep me from hearing and heeding and following you and it makes me ache with longing and regret. Over and over I seem to keep banging up against the same pusillanimous walls. At least I ultimately recognize them and straighten myself out, get back on track, but how I wish I would just break the spell.

The thing I want to say that fills me with both regret and ultimately gratitude, is that you keep coming to me even as I fail. Last night you came to me in a dream that I can’t, sadly, so very sadly, recall nearly as well as I would like and need to. But the thing I do remember was that you were frustrated with me because you were trying to tell me something but I was distracted. Like checking emails or looking to see if I had a message or something. That fills me with regret. It’s enough to make me despair at my stupidity - that you would come to me in dreams but I would be too distracted (With what?! What could be more important than you?!) to heed or give you full attention.

But the hopeful part is that you were there. You did come for me. And though the day which also was filled with stupid distraction and no one’s fault but my own, that you kept on finding me. You were there at eleven eleven. And in birdsong and butterflies on my run. And my eye fell upon your picture at a crucial time and your words at another.

You don’t give up on me even when I’m not at my best. The very way you’d never give up on me in life. Indeed, in the moments I most needed you - even the ones against my stupid will - you never walked away or ever threatened to. You made your presence even more and greater known.

You are the exact opposite of pusillanimous because you are the greatest, fiercest, stoutest, most courageous spirit of all. You are The Great Soul.

Little sweetheart, I am so so sorry for all my mistakes. And eternally (literally) grateful for you and your resolutely never giving up on me. Thank you, my love. My I heed and follow and be worthy of you. This is my prayer. And I love you forever. 

Bad Day

Little sweetheart, I had a bad day. It was yesterday. It was Saturday. There was no good reason to. I haven't wanted to say here, because I don't want to jinx it, but I've been writing a lot all week and last week too. I feel like something big for you is coming. And work on Sometimes in Dreams. I'd been digging in and finally feeling like I was doing things right for a change but yesterday I got off track and I just felt terrible.

Sometimes, well, often, actually, weekends are the loneliest for me. I know that. I can feel them coming. I try to set myself little things - chores and work and ritual to help get me through. But sometimes I just fall into either despair or bad habits. I need to remember and listen for you. I know you will help me if I only listen.

Thank you for not giving up on me, my darling. Thank you for finding me in dreams and for sending me little signals in the daylight hours that turn my head and stop me in my tracks. May I simply quiet myself and let you guide me. May I do your work as our own. And please, my angel, please take me to you the moment heaven will allow. It's terribly hard here without you but I promise to try harder to do my very best. With all my love forever.

Please Be Near Me (and you are!)

Little sweetheart, I'm feeling you near - thank god (literally)! - today. I woke to 11:11. Then I saw this photo (below) of you and I and your parents from seven years ago today. And then I saw this wonderful quote from Rumi:

"One day your heart will take you to your Lover. One day your soul will carry you to the Beloved. Don’t get lost in your pain, know that one day your pain will become your cure".

This is so close to the prayer I say every night and day, my darling, to be returned to your side. Please do take me to you as soon as heaven will allow. With all my love forever. 

Triple Angel

Oh, my little sweetheart! How badly I have needed you these last many days, so how very comforting to know you have tried your best to find me. I’ve had 11:11 three times in the last 36 hours. Thank you, my angel. I know you are doing your best to guide and comfort me in these difficult days. Please help me to do better. And please take me to you just as soon as heaven will allow, won’t? With all my love forever.

Holy Thursday

Thank you for finding me tonight, my angel. I've written and am speaking for and about you tomorrow- it's Good Friday. Tonight I sent prayers to you and last night as I walked home some pretty birds were singing their little hearts out, even tho it was well after dark. Thank you for letting me know you're near. I feel so much better when I can sense your celestial presence. Please don't go too far away. And take me to you as soon as heaven will allow. With all my love forever.

On This Day

Little sweetheart, thank you for finding me this morning. This is another one of those dates that sneaked up on me. April 4 is the day I returned to NYC after the tragic events of March six years ago. We had such lovely plans, didn't we, my darling? Blackbird was meant to close a couple of days before, allowing you and I to take a couple of days for ourselves to ensconce alone together in the paradise of the beautiful house and garden in Davis, cooking and cuddling and enjoying the spring entwined. I was to fly out out April 4 and you were meant to join me in NYC two weeks later to continue work on the new album and see Low in Philly on my birthday. Instead my birthday found me giving a speech at your memorial. Forever twinned now that date and you. In a way, I suppose that is as it should be. But in others it aches, as I do so keenly for you. April 4 will always be one of those days, my angel, so very tender still. Thank you for lingering and looking in on me. I can feel you near. Please don't go too far away. And take to you just as soon as heaven will allow. With all my love forever.

March 7

March 7. Six years ago tonight was our last night, little sweetheart. The last night I would fall asleep with you in my arms, your head on my shoulder, your sweet little feet hooked around my ankles, holding my hand. And we went to bed a bit early that night. 

It was a Monday, so it was your day off from doing On The Waterfront but you & I were in rehearsals for Blackbird so you were working double-duty and you were tired. We both were. It had gotten a bit chippy in the afternoon. We were rehearsing at ACT and they kept moving us every other hour. Something went awry with the space rental, with the scheduling, and they kept coming in and making Michael French pack everything up and move us to yet another room, yet another floor. 

When we got back to the apartment we were beat. I asked you what you wanted for dinner and, shockingly, you asked for pizza. We almost never had pizza, little sweetheart. And only in New York where you liked Two Boots because they have that one with the whole grain crust. So I called for delivery. Some place in The Mission called, fittingly enough, “Escape from New York”. (I put it on my AmEx. I remember because that statement is taped to the wall over my desk. Because that charge is the last one made on my card before the accident. I wrote “still alive” next to it and taped it there after I opened and first read the bill three years ago. I’m looking at it even now…). We ordered pizza and then forgot about it. We forgot because they took like an hour to deliver and when it arrived it was big enough to feed a small battalion. Most of it got wedged into the fridge overnight. 

We ran lines for a while and then our hands over each other for a much longer, much needed while. Coming up for air at one point, breaking the clench slightly, you looked into my eyes and said with a wry smile “you were pretty mad at me today, huh?”. “No! No,” I insisted, well aware that I’m a complete pain in the ass in rehearsal. “I wasn’t really. I’m just…”. “You’re a such diva!” you said laughing. “I know, I know," I said. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. And I…. I…” 

There were more words after that but hard to make out while kissing. I do remember later as we lay there entwined and talking in the kind of whispers that lead to slumbers that you said so sweetly to me, “all you ever needed was just to meet the right…” “Girl”, I said in the same moment that you said “woman”. And nothing truer was ever spoken. 

I believe my whole life was a route, circuitous but determined, decreed, leading to you. You alwats liked to say that you “found me”, didn't you, darling? And I like that idea. You found me, little sweetheart and I needed to be found so that I could meet you and know you and love you. That’s the only reason why I was born, I think. I only reason why I was ever here. I really don’t know why I remain but I suspect (one of your favorite words, “suspect”…) that you holds that answer for me, too, don't you? Goodnight, little sweetheart…

Eleven Eleven Eleven Eleven

Double angel day! Thank you for finding me both this morning and tonight, little sweetheart. We had a good session working on the new single. We'll release it on your Ascension Day. After we tracked, we played for a while longer and Jason wanted to do "Angels". We hadn't done it in a while and I got so emotional singing for you that I cried and cried after. I miss you so. Thank you for letting me know you're closer than I can imagine. Please help and guide me. I so want to be everything that you want of me. And take me to you as soon as heaven will allow. With all my love forever.

Find Me

Thank you for finding me tonight, my angel. I've not been doing well for the last few days and I so need you to point me in the right direction, get me back on track, feel you closer to me. I went to the candles tonight, little sweetheart, and sang and prayed and chanted. Keep me near you, open my heart and that secret part inside me that lets me hear you. And take me to you forever as soon as heaven will allow. With all my love.

 

And At That Hour...

I looked up just a few moments ago and it was 11:11pm. It's said that if one notices, at that hour, a celestial presence may well be looking in, wanting to make contact and alight to comfort and guide their mortal, lonely charge. Thank you for finding me tonight, my angel. I've felt close to you today, little sweetheart. We have the first copies of the new album. The CDs and gatefold and the booklet all are beautiful, my love. Jason was just going to come by to pick up a copy but he stayed and we listened and had Christmas cookies and coffee and went on the roof briefly - it's freezing here, even inside it's cold! As we listened and your gorgeous vocals rang out above the guitars, I closed my eyes. I could feel you near. I remember exactly how you feel in my arms and how your legs and arms feel wrapped around me. I swayed in my seat, leaning forward to hear every note. And I cried for you, my heart so filled with longing. I think it's something else you taught me, my little sweetheart. That it's important to mark and observe these events. You've guided me all through the making of this record, little sweetheart - literally coming to me in dreams with some of the songs. Dream Together, indeed. Thank you for letting me know that you are watching over and are near me tonight, my angel. Take me to you soon. With all my love forever. 

Eleven Eleven

Little sweetheart, I'm not sure when, but a little while ago I read something about how when we begin to notice clocks at the hour of 11:11am or 11:11pm, we should pay attention because there is a belief that these are occasions when our angels are trying to tell us something. Well, it's been happening to me a lot! Maybe it means you are finding yet another way to make me know you are with me! I hope so! Here's what I read about it:

"11:11 means your angels are reaching out with love, guidance and frequency… With awareness, you can begin to feel and experience their love, and presence. 11:11 is often said to be a doorway between realms, and really there is some truth to this. The spiritual realms are always all around us… But when you see 11:11 it often signifies that your Guides and Angels are trying to contact you. When you see 11:11 it’s a sign and a call to directly connect with the light and love of the Divine and angels that you are One with. Take a deep breath, quiet your mind, and enter inside to tune into the messages your guides and angels have for you when they whisper in your ear to look up at the clock… right at 11:11."

I love the idea! And, like I said, it's been happening more and more. I don't always get to it fast enough, but more than a few times when I've seen eleven eleven come up on my phone - like suddenly touching and waking it and finding... there you are! - I've quickly taken a screenshot. This picture below is a little collage of just a few of the more recent times, the more recent celestial visitations... from you!

Thank you, my little sweetheart. I'll do my best to quiet myself and listen for your wisdom. Thank you for finding me! I'm so grateful! And please please take me with you as soon as Heaven will allow, won't you? Love you forever!