The First Butterfly of Spring

Little sweetheart, even though we’re had a relatively mild winter, it sure has been reluctant to make way for spring! It’s finally beginning to warm up into the high 50’s and 60’s a feel a bit more like what we imagine late May and June to be - just, ya know, a bit more seasonable.

Very much like the route I use running along the Hudson and then up into Riverside Park, I also take a similar path when going for a long walk and in the midst of either/both is the long pedestrian path they call the Serpentine. Around 93rd Street is a beautiful little fenced-in garden that volunteers attend to.

That spot is almost invariably where the first signs of spring are visible, I think. The foliage begins to emerge, blooms and blossoms appearing and finally, like today, the first butterfly of the season! It was a monarch and absolutely glorious.

We’ve been worried about monarchs - you mom and I talked about this last year - they’re in danger of going extinct. In fact, your mom planted some milkweed (which monarchs feed on) to do her part. It’s so lovely seeing this beautiful sign of spring’s arrival, little sweetheart. And unfailing I think of you. 

With all of my love...
 

Butterfiles - at last!

Little sweetheart, for much of this season I’d been disappointed not to spot many butterflies in my walks through Riverside Park. There’s a wonderful garden at the top of The Serpentine near W91st Street where they would often alight. Monarchs, especially, seemed to like quite a big tree at its upper edge, but last fall the gardeners trimmed it back extensively. I don’t know if the two events are related but all through the spring and into July, even, I’d only seen Satin Moths, no butterflies. Until yesterday!

Maybe its something about the month of August. Perhaps that is really high season but suddenly they’re back.
It was so wonderful, that first sighting of a monarch. Then another and another joined the first and the three of them flew and flitted about alighting on flowers and branches - and one another even! - before taking flight yet again. Shortly thereafter, I also saw a Swallowtail - a male with black wings and yellow highlights (the female is the reverse color scheme - yellow with black highlights).

I wasn’t alone in my delight and relief, little sweetheart. A couple of other people had stopped to patiently, quietly stand still, watching and waiting to take a photograph or two.

Like birdsong, little sweetheart, butterflies seem to me a harbinger of your celestial presence. They bring me closer to you. And it fills me with gratitude. As do you, always. I am so very grateful for you, my little sweetheart.

With all my love forever.

Rescue

Little sweetheart, it’s been a wonderful year for birds reappearing in the city. Maybe some of the lack of travel during the pandemic accounts for it but regardless it’s been so lovely seeing so many different little avian friends and hearing their songs. It always takes me to you instantly. 

What I’d been sad not to see much of yet, and we’re well into the season, is butterflies. At the top of the Serpentine in Riverside Park there used to be a tree there at the very northern edge of the garden where monarchs in particular seemed to love to alight. They cut it back, pruning its branches, quite a bit last winter and I wonder if that’s why I still haven’t seen even one yet. There have been some pretty white satin moths but I’d hardly seen even one butterfly until yesterday when I spotted a little black swallowtail on the sidewalk near Dewitt Clinton Park. 

He was just laying there, alive but somehow injured or stunned. I carefully picked him up and placed  him in the bushes above, reaching through the railing there. 

We all need taking care of, don’t we, little sweetheart? 

I hope our little friend recovers and is okay. And my thoughts, as ever, fly to you. With all my love…

Butterflies

Little sweetheart, as the season comes to a close turning to autumn, I've been savoring the last sights and scents and sounds. 

One of the loveliest of them all has been the proliferation of butterflies these last few months and it always makes me think of you, feel your celestial presence near me. 

There's a very pretty spot along where I run in Riverside Park. It's the little 91st Street Gardens. Often I'll go for a walk up there or start my run even father up to get in my miles so I can come walk and linger there, looking for the magical creatures. 

One of the most recognizable of all butterflies is the orange and black beauty called the "Monarch". They're famous for the epic journey they make each year from the Brazilian rain forest all the way to southern Canada. Sadly, over the last decade or so they've become endangered by climate change. Your mom and I watched a documentary about the monarch's migration about a year ago and one of the things they said would help bring them back is milkweed. Monarchs love milkweed, apparently. So, your mom planted some at both houses. 

And here in the park up by those gardens I've seen three or four or five of the little beauties almost every day. Also, a black swallowtail, of late. 

It always brings me close to you, little sweetheart, to stop and watch and gently talk to them. I know you are so much closer than I can even imagine and these pretty winged ones help always to remind me. 

With all my love forever. 

Butterfly Kisses

 Little sweetheart, butterflies so very much like the sweetest little birds that bless us, always bring you to my mind.

From your perch in The Forever, I don’t know if you know, but one of the most wonderful and best known of the species, the Monarch, is in terrible danger. It’s partly to do with climate change. Your mom and I are both terribly concerned about them becoming extinct. They love milkweed and your mom especially planted that herb both in Davis and down in Turlock.

But just like that incredible sighting of those cardinals, little sweetheart, I’ve been seeing monarchs! Usually up around the 91st Street Gardens in Riverside Park. And the last few times I have, just over this week and today, one or even two have flown so close to me, right up to my face, it’s almost if they were trying to give me a little kiss. And I know that is from you!

Oh, my true true love! Thank you! I know you’re trying your best to help and guide me all the time, and moments like this just bring it all home to me so very much. Thank you, little sweetheart. I love you with all my heart and soul forever. Forever!

Taize Prayers

Taize - that little candlelight meditation on Wednesday nights - has started back up, little sweetheart, and I went tonight. I won’t be able to get back to another one for three weeks but that one falls quite wonderfully on your birthday.

Tonight I was asked to read a prayer at the end which was a actually composed by the Dean of Grace Cathedral where your mom and I have gone a couple of times in San Francisco.

It’s so nice just to sit at the back in the peaceful darkness of the sanctuary lit only mostly by candles, quietly sing the chants in my weird harmonies and come forward later to light a candle and say our prayer. It’s an hour of welcome quiet where I can reflect and feel close to you, listen for your guidance and tell you how much I love and long for you. And the gratitude I feel for your having found me.

Find me again, won’t you, my love? Over and over. Forever.

Butterfly Way

A butterfly followed me for an entire block, little sweetheart, on my way home from my run, this afternoon.

She fluttered in close around my head and then high away at my right, only to return, circling around again and again and leading me on. I spoke, saying "thank you" and "hi, sweetheart" because I knew it was you encouraging and comforting me and strengthening my faith.  How I love you!

Thank you, my little sweetheart! Love you forever.

Great Soul

Little sweetheart, I’m having difficulties. But you are the blessing of my life, even in my distraction and despair.

On Sunday, as I told you, I went up to that little church at West End and W77th St. The sermon was very interesting because one of the things he talked about was the scholarly origin of the Seven Deadly Sins. That it wasn’t set out as a fire and brimstone tract to excoriate us, even though it became appropriated and synonymous with that. It was really an attempt to identify what gets in our way habitually and how to free ourselves of what’s preventing us from being whole. He cited the word “pusillanimous”.  A rather rare word to most people although as a couple of old theatre types like yourself and I, I think we’d recall its centrality to a speech in John Osborne’s “Look Back in Anger”.

What I didn’t know and what Osborne fails to share is that the Latin origin of the word is really something quite different from the modern, albeit rare, usage. It literally means “smallness of spirit”. The diminishing of our soul. And when we let things habitually sap this spirit that is not only inside but is the very essence of who and what we are - our very soul - we shrink and become lesser, less than what and who we truly are.

Little sweetheart, that happens to me. I get wrapped up in bad things, soul diminishing habits that keep me from hearing and heeding and following you and it makes me ache with longing and regret. Over and over I seem to keep banging up against the same pusillanimous walls. At least I ultimately recognize them and straighten myself out, get back on track, but how I wish I would just break the spell.

The thing I want to say that fills me with both regret and ultimately gratitude, is that you keep coming to me even as I fail. Last night you came to me in a dream that I can’t, sadly, so very sadly, recall nearly as well as I would like and need to. But the thing I do remember was that you were frustrated with me because you were trying to tell me something but I was distracted. Like checking emails or looking to see if I had a message or something. That fills me with regret. It’s enough to make me despair at my stupidity - that you would come to me in dreams but I would be too distracted (With what?! What could be more important than you?!) to heed or give you full attention.

But the hopeful part is that you were there. You did come for me. And though the day which also was filled with stupid distraction and no one’s fault but my own, that you kept on finding me. You were there at eleven eleven. And in birdsong and butterflies on my run. And my eye fell upon your picture at a crucial time and your words at another.

You don’t give up on me even when I’m not at my best. The very way you’d never give up on me in life. Indeed, in the moments I most needed you - even the ones against my stupid will - you never walked away or ever threatened to. You made your presence even more and greater known.

You are the exact opposite of pusillanimous because you are the greatest, fiercest, stoutest, most courageous spirit of all. You are The Great Soul.

Little sweetheart, I am so so sorry for all my mistakes. And eternally (literally) grateful for you and your resolutely never giving up on me. Thank you, my love. My I heed and follow and be worthy of you. This is my prayer. And I love you forever. 

Your Mom's Birthday

Today is your Mom’s birthday, little sweetheart. I have it circled on the calendar and I think it’s very likely that I am more excited about it than she.

I love your parents, little sweetheart. They are so very dear to me. And I think doubly so because when I do things for them it reminds me of the joy I had in doing little things for you. Cooking for you or surprising you with a gift. Maybe noticing how some little something caught your eye and making a note of it so I could get it and give it to you right away.

There’s a beautiful catalogue that your Mom has gotten for years and that I saw early on when I was visiting them quite a while ago. I got myself on their mailing list and I often look for things there I think she might like. It’s a kind of vintage Victorian sundries catalogue filled with little antiquities and beautiful prints here all the girls look like you as if you’d just stepped out of the late 1800’s.

I got her what looks to be a pretty painting of a kind of angel/siren keeping watch on a distant shore, a lute by her side. And it’s also lighted - it has a little lamp behind the canvas. I also got her a DVD of that movie I told you about, that documentary about Peter Bogdanovich. And I found a beautiful card, a New Yorker cover that’s an illustration of a girl whose red tresses are a kaleidoscope of monarch butterflies. It’s magical and so very much looks like you. So does the angel, of course. I wrote her a long letter, too and put it inside. And there’s a lovely company I found called Bake Me A Wish, that makes and delivered birthday cakes via UPS overnight packed in dry ice to keep them fresh. If I’m not in California to make your parents a cake on their birthday, I always send one - chocolate for your dad, vanilla bean, like this one, for your mom.

I’m going to give her call in an hour or so after I know she’s around and sing her Happy Birthday.

All these things make me feel so very close to you, my love. You are Goodness itself and when I act in kindness and love I feel your presence double fold. All redounds to you. With all my love forever. 

About Kindness

Little sweetheart, thank god for you! Thank god for your teaching me so many things about kindness. No one I have ever known is as generous of spirit as you, my love. I'm so grateful for you. And I'm so grateful that you help me through these terrible days when I miss you so by visiting me when I myself act in kindness. I can feel you with me in those moments. It happened several times today, little sweetheart.

On my run, I came across a young woman who was trying to find her way to the pier from within Riverside Park. It's not easy to find if you don't know where to go down. She had a toddler in tow and was also pushing a stroller. She was new to West Side and wanted to show her little boy the river.  Her name was Jasmine. I explained how to get to the path and also told her about the free events they have up here - movies and concerts and activities - all family friendly. She was very encouraged and the whole time I could feel you with me.

You swell up in my heart when I help people, sweetheart. You're the best person I've ever known and I long to do as you would have me do, to be a better person myself.

Later, I saw the woman I may have told you about from HCC. They're an non-profit that has been helping low income tenants here in Hell's Kitchen for 30 years. She's one of their long-time volunteers. She was very worried about her brother who's far away and in trouble. I talked to her for a long time. She knows about you, of course (I love telling people about you, my treasure!), and I think when people do they tend to approach me with the things that hurt and trouble their hearts. It's you they can sense within and about me. It's your beautiful spirit that draws them toward me with a hope for love and understanding. And I'm so grateful to be any kind of conduit for you, my gorgeous girl. How I long to be with you! And encounters like this help me feel your divine presence.

Finally, just an hour or so ago, I was up at that sweet little church I've told you about. Wednesday nights are when they have their candlelight meditation service. It's often led by the young woman I've told you about who first welcomed me when I happened upon it a few years ago. She seemed a bit unsettled tonight, little sweetheart. She excused herself shortly after it began and when she returned around the midpoint of the service, she didn't resume sitting in her usual place near the front but stayed at the back, just a row or two in front of me, sitting by the cantor and kind of falling into her arms.

Afterward, I moved into the row directly behind her and spoke quietly to her asking if she was okay. It was something personal that was upsetting her, so I won't go into it but I did my best to listen and comfort her. "Everybody loves you", I told her. And it's true - she's very kind and sweet and I think you two would be friends, little sweetheart. She often tells me that she prays for you. I think she heard that - me telling her that she is loved - and felt a little better. And it had just been her birthday the day before, so I gave her a copy of Dream Together. She'd told me she'd listened to it online and gotten very emotional just hearing the guitars on "She Hears You Calling" - one of the songs you gave me in a dream, my darling.

All these things seem connected, my love. And they are because the connection, indeed the nexus, is you. May I do as you teach and guide me, my love. And may I be returned to you soon and forever. With all my love.

My Sweetheart Sent A Butterfly For Me Today

Little sweetheart, I woke up this morning and have been going all day. About 45 minutes ago, I found that I needed to lie down and close my eyes for a few minutes. You love your naps, too, I know and that's another reason why I like to take one - you taught me! I was curled up next to your pillow holding on to the sleeve of your purple blouse with two fingers and listening to Radio 3 softly in the background, when I remembered something. I quickly grabbed my phone from the bedside and wrote it down: My sweetheart sent a butterfly for me today...

I was near the end of my run along The Hudson in the early afternoon, little sweetheart, when a pretty monarch butterfly suddenly swooped down and right across my path near my face. Then she kept right on flying just in front of me, leading and encouraging me on. I never see butterflies so close to the river as where I was just then. I think I may have been thinking some dark thoughts - this is near the spot where I had that terrible fall last year and cut up my face so bad, my plastic running glasses breaking at the bridge and tearing open flesh as they scrapped down my nose. I'm extra careful near there now.

But whatever was occupying my thoughts vanished when that pretty butterfly came and visited me. That's never happened before. And I know you were with me. I know you try to let me know in every way that you can that you are. I know I must often miss these important signs. But you certainly got my attention today!

Thank you, my darling. I love you with all my heart and soul and pray to be with you soon and forever. Thank you for sending the butterfly to guide and cheer me today. You are my miracle. You are my sweet angel. My soulmate and True Love and best friend. Like I always used to say even if you were just going into the next room to fetch something or shifting merely inches to the other side of the bed - don't go too far away.

With all my love forever...