At Day's End

We had an enormous snowfall yesterday, little sweetheart. A very dramatic winter storm moved across the east coast and blanketed us in heavy winds and over two feet of snow. It made me think of your last visit here when we were hit by just such a blizzard.

It was almost exactly this time five years ago, my sweetheart. I remember you had decided - quite on a whim -  to come, having met up with your friend Danya on New Year's Eve, your trusty AirBook in tow. "I have to go to New York and I want to book something tonight", she told me later you had said. And a day or two after, when you surprised your dad with the news and he wondered why you were so suddenly off, you had simply said "I have to get out of this weather" - leaving slightly wet but mid-50 degree NorCal temperatures for a foot and half of freshly fallen snow here upon arrival.

I couldn't know it would be our last time together here in this apartment. Of course, I was with you again less than a month later, back in California. But then came the tragic events that have still left me utterly shattered and, as your mother often says, "here we are".

You've been in my thoughts so much today, my darling. The day began much as the night before ended - with my working on the Taize songs for the band's new record, Electric Hymnal. You are present in every note and measure - its inspiration and very reason. But the day has grown more and more sad. The work was good but I'm feeling so very alone and missing you achingly.

Sometimes, my little sweetheart, it's perhaps just best to take to bed early, maybe with the radio on low in the background, and try to get a good night's sleep. Or the best I can manage without you wrapped reassuringly around me, your hand in mine, your head on my shoulder, you little feet curled around my ankles, keeping me close. How I long for you!

Maybe the best I can do in times like these is just to lay me down and dream of you. Lay me down here on our bed, your side, as ever, not turned down, your nightclothes upon your pillow, my fingers holding a corner worshipfully and hopeful. And with faith that you will come to me in sleep and take me to and with you forever, the very second that that is allowed.

Until that day, my love. Until that day! I bring this sad one to an end. With hope, with love, with faith. Tomorrow, may I be better. And soon, may I be with you again in The Forever.

With all my love... xM