Down

Little sweetheart, I'm back now after our session. It's the first day I've felt better since finishing up jury duty. I don't know what happened but I got really ill the day after - last Thursday night. It's odd to be so sick - like winter flu/severe cold sick - in late-July, in the middle of a heatwave. Thank goodness the a/c is working! I've got that cranked up and have been all bundled up in your special blue blanket. Do you remember the one? I got it especially for you from Bed, Bath & Beyond so you could wrap yourself in it and then wrap yourself around me as we would cuddle up together on the plaid couch watching one of our stories. I always think of you whenever I hold it close - how you told me, how you introduced me to the tradition, how you liked and believed it so important to end each day with me, with your partner, watching a story together before bedtime. Oh, little sweetheart, how my heart swelled with pride and love to be called your own. It still does. I still am. I always will be. I am yours, all yours, my little sweetheart. And forever.

For days, I just haven't felt well, my little sweetheart. And not just because I've been so sick. I've been sleeping a lot through the last few days, rarely going out. I did manage finally to venture outside yesterday to gather a few groceries. Even though it's sweltering, I decided to make homemade chicken soup. It usually does the trick and it seemed just what I needed. I think it worked! I must've had nearly half the pot but I felt quite a bit better this morning. I even went for a run before our session. But it's like the last several days were lost. And that's what I want to tell you about...

The dreams you've sent and found me in have been helping me so much, my darling. And I know, I feel that when you come to me as I lay sleeping that that means I'm doing what you want me to do in my waking hours. That you're leading me. When I can free myself of all the distractions, I can hear you so much more clearly, intuit and find you. Conversely, my sweetheart, I'm grief-stricken and heartbroken when you do not appear. I have a terrible feeling that I'm doing things wrong, that I've disappointed you, that you won't let me call to you. In my very darkest, hopeless fears, I worry that you have forgotten, won't recognize or remember or even love me.

Can you imagine?! When those fears overtake me, my love, I am lost. I live to find you. I live to be found by you in dreams and in those uncanny moments in which I sense you in waking hours. I measure the good in my life, the truth of it, by your presence. When I can't find you, when you don't appear to me, don't find me, I fear I've done something horribly wrong. When you do grace me, I know I'm on the right path. I know I'm plugged into the grid.

So many of the songs for Dream Together have come that way - straight from dreams, straight from you, and I know you are with me. As I sing all I can remember in the darkness, still half asleep into my iPhone. Later, upon waking as I work them out on guitar. As I bring them into practice and teach them to Jason, As we record them. As I build the tracks. In all and every step I feel you with me and am so grateful and moved and weep with joy and longing and faith and love. True love for my truelove - you, my little sweetheart. It's as it should be.

I became so anxious during this lost last week. I felt unplugged, remote, apart from the cosmic goodness, the treasure of you. It's such a relief today, my darling, to feel that vibrancy returning. That focus. To hear you, to set down everything that I possibly can, telling our story, writing with and for you. Let that be my day and night. My path and way. And what I pray for, my little sweetheart, is that you will help me. That you will keep guiding me. Keep me on the right and true course to honor and keep connected to you, to keep me close. You are my treasure and the reason for my life.

Please, my little sweetheart, always be with me. Always be with me. Find me in thought, in dreams, in waking. Find me tonight and the next day, if I wake to one. Take me to you the moment The Eternal will allow. With all my heart I pray for you and for this. With all my heart and soul I love love love you. Now and forever. My darling gorgeous girl. Find me, always. Always.