Wednesday, September 6, 2017

God Bless

Little sweetheart, I got the sad news tonight from your mom that Bogie, one of their sweet little kitties, passed away last night after getting run over by a car in front of the house. Bogie and his buddy Ilsa are two kittens your mom got a few years ago after Lucky passed away and Luke disappeared. They were very different - Bogie quite friendly, Ilsa a bit more skittish - but loved playing together.

I think Bogie was maybe my favorite cat ever. The first time I met him, when I had come out to California super-secret awaiting your Dad's surprise birthday party, as I drove up in the rental car, Bogie came walking right up to meet me. He'd often follow me around. Your mom usually has me stay in your room when I visit (which I love and honor) and Bogie would jump right up on the bed when I was in there. Often, if the door was closed, I'd find him right outside waiting for me. Or if I wasn't sure where he was, I'd look under the bed, because he liked to sneak in and hide there, so he could surprise me. After my morning run, I'd take Gidget for a walk in the orchard and Bogie would follow along too. And at night when your mom and dad and I would watch a story from the couch, Bogie would jump right up into my lap. Sometimes he'd jump up right behind my head and crawl down over my shoulder. After I came home to New York in January, your dad texted me to say that Bogie had been sitting all night in my spot on the couch waiting for me to pet him. He was an awfully good little fella, sweetheart.

I always miss you but I often feel it even more keenly when I'm in California and with your folks. It seemed like Bogie was very attune to that and keeping me company. Remember how I told you a few days ago that I found a sweet little bird that'd passed away on the sidewalk and that I carried him to a flowerbed and found myself saying "God bless your soul?" I'm thinking that about that again, that we are all God's creatures and that in the same way I think you sometimes help me by getting my attention with birdsong or maybe even little Bogie.

I suspect you and he may already have gotten to know each other.  Can't wait to be with you both. With all my love forever.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

The Return

It's September, little sweetheart. Yesterday was Labor Day. It's already cooling off and feeling like autumn. And I have this feeling - don't we often? - that this time of year brings into focus all we need to accomplish, all our goals, and a resolution to work diligently toward achieving them. A kind of "back-to-school" vibe, right?

Let me take up that banner, little sweetheart, as I strive to honor and listen for you. Let me keep working and writing and recording and doing all the things I know to keep the flame alive and to be a better person, the kind of person you were helping and still are helping me to become. And may I dig deep in faith to know that I will be with you again and forever in just the blink of an eye.

You are my reason, my conscience, my soul's mate, my everything. God bless you and keep you, my love. Please come for me soon. With all my love. 

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Everything Hurts

Little sweetheart, I sometimes wonder if mornings will ever ache less than they do and have every single morning since your tragic passing. I open my eyes and simply despair each day. I try to quiet myself and say our prayer and then turn to your side of the bed and quietly talk to you, softly touching your things there. Telling you how much I love you and asking you to be with me and take me to you as soon as heaven will allow.

Every morning I say these words to you, that I don't like it here without you and only want to be with you. This morning, even before those words, I found myself saying this: "nothing works and everything hurts".

So very often, little sweetheart, I simply don't know what to do. But I say our prayer and kiss your pictures good morning and make coffee and try to go about the day - writing for you, writing about you, writing to you. Working on the new album. This morning I also wrote a letter to your mom. I bought her a book I know she wants. I got it yesterday at The Strand and I'm sending it all off to her this afternoon.

I'll do my work and little errands and go for a run and make myself dinner and fall away to sleep again tonight. I just wish you would come for me in my sleep and take me to you. I don't like it here without you. I don't like it here at all. I miss and need and long for you. Please, please come soon.

With all my love forever.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Just an Hiatus

Little sweetheart, walking home yesterday I saw this sign about a class being on break over the season. "On Summer Hiatus" it said. And that's how I should think of this, too, isn't it, my love? You're just a little ways away. We're just a heartbeat apart. It's just a Summer Hiatus. And I'll be with you soon, again and forever in just the blink of an eye. Isn't that right? I just need to quiet myself and do good things while I'm waiting, things that will make you proud of me and keep your spirit close. And soon, so very soon, I'll be back at your side. Isn't that so, my darling? With all my love forever.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

God Bless Your Soul

Little sweetheart, this morning on the way to that little church I’ve told you about, I found a pretty little bird passed away on the middle of the sidewalk. It was up around W.71st Street on West End Avenue. A lot of people were out with their kids and strollers and dogs and I walked past at first because I was late. But I turned back about a block later.

I found a soft little piece of wax paper and carefully picked him up. He didn’t look injured or hurt at all. His feathers were still very beautiful. It was almost as if he were sleeping. Anyway, I gently picked him up and carried him over to an nearby flower bed. And I found myself saving quietly “God bless your soul.”

And that’s right, isn’t it, little sweetheart? We’re all God’s creatures, aren't we? The lovely birds that sing so sweetly and remind me you are nearer than I can imagine, they are among us and souled as as we.

God bless your soul, my darling. And God bless the soul of our little friend, I hope he sings to you today in The Forever. And I hope you might take me to you just as soon as heaven will allow.

With all my love forever.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Driving Dream

Another dream last night, little sweetheart, that I begin both to recognize as recurrent and understand what it meant to tell me.

You and I are together in a big car, like an SUV, like the Rendezvous, perhaps. I’m driving but we’re both in the back. Like all the way in the back in the third seat. As far away from the steering wheel and brakes and accelerator as one can get and still be inside the car. We’re driving or I’m driving and you’re riding next to me and we’re hurtling along. And not like on some easy, abandoned stretch of road. We’re on a highway or the freeway with lots of traffic and we’re going fast.

I realize that this is a recurring dream not only because I just told you about another one similar to it when I dreamt I was with your brother Jesse, but because it’s an anxiety that is familiar from other dreams. I realize I have it a lot  - driving at high speed impaired either because I can’t see where I’m going or because, like this, I’m far away from the wheel. It’s really a familiar anxiety. One of those that comes from dreams and still has you wound up after you wake but forgotten and unnamed.

Anyway, we’re speeding down the freeway and I’m feeling out of control and wondering how I got here, reaching over the seats to steer but afraid I’ll have to let go to actually move up and sit in front. And you’re at my side in the back but not at all worried. You’re quite calm. And that’s helping me.

Which is something I remember and recognize about being with you in life. Not that you never got upset or we never argued or something but just in the important times you were always there helping me. And in another thousand circumstances where I’d immediately start tensing up because anybody else I’d ever known would start yelling at me or blaming or something, you wouldn’t. You’d help and not get upset. You were kind and supportive and just with me when things mattered most. Unlike the others - everyone of them with one foot out the door at all times and ever keen to remind me - yours was not a fickle love.

And in the dream, your calm demeanor is what helped me, helped us. Presently, we were approaching a fork in the highway where we had to either continue on or veer off on an exit ramp. You thought we should make the turn, so that’s what we did, we took the exit ramp. And somehow we wound up inside the subway. Like drove down the stairs and onto the platform. Drove where cars aren’t supposed to be.

There was a a policeman on the platform but he wasn’t angry with us. He just directed us to turn left and we wound up in a much bigger expanse - like a concourse. Kind of like Grand Central but I think we were actually in Boston. Maybe it was the concourse at South Station.

We’d slowed down by then, just crawling along as if we were looking for a place to park. Not out of control or anything. And nobody seemed too bothered. Then you very calmly asked if we could stop so you could get us something to eat. I think maybe you’d seen a place that had frozen yogurt. Ha! So very like you, my little sweetheart. I pulled over and you said you’d bring me back something.

So, I waited for you. And now I see that’s the other part. What I’m supposed to understand.

It’s all about faith. Even when I’m hurtling through life feeling lost and out of control because I don’t have you here to help and guide and direct me, I just need to listen. Because you are here. Closer than I can imagine. Even if I can’t see or control things, you are near, you are at my side if I just quiet myself, I’ll hear you. And you are calm and with me and guiding me safely where I , where we, need to go. And if I just wait patiently like you told me to, you’ll be back in just a minute with something good for us both that we can share. I don’t have to worry. I just need to have faith. I just need like always to believe in you. And I do.  

Thursday, August 17, 2017


Little sweetheart, I just saw this picture of us in London, last night of our first visit there together.

I had to meet up with some RADA folks and you were meeting me back in Kentish Town at The Boston Arms. I called you on my English cellphone just before I got on the Tube. Although you weren't much a drinker, usually, that night you were already a couple of cocktails in and finding yourself very popular, you told me, with the regulars, mostly silver haired Irish pensioners. You commandeered a booth and this is how you greeted me. With our hosts, we made something of a night of it, winding up later at The Star, remember?

Help me find my way to where you are, won't you, little sweetheart? Save me a seat next to you. Love you forever.