Monday, December 9, 2019

Voices... and Your Own

I was listening Carol’s show this morning on WFMU, little sweetheart, and I heard something that kind of stopped me in my tracks. It was a song by a group I didn’t know, The Clogs. but the guest vocalist on it was Matt Berringer from The National. His voice is so embedded in my memories of you that it takes me to you instantly.

I remember discovering The National together, little sweetheart, getting that “Dark Was The Night” compilation at Easy Street Records when we were up in Seattle together for the reading of 7 Pages, then you sending me an mp3 of that song from Boxer with the line about “I waited for 29 years to find you”. You were 29 at the time and it seemed so very much about you and I finding one another, you saving my life, filling it with light and love.

I remember tears pouring down my cheeks when you spoke of your certainty that you would pass away before I and that you wanted me to speak at your funeral and to listen to our songs and remember you. It’s so very hard to hear those voices and songs that meant so much to us, little sweetheart, that music that came to be our own. It still cuts me to the core. But I do love you forever and with all my heart.

Please be with me today, little sweetheart. Let me know that you are near and strengthen my faith to know that I will be with you again, soon and forever. With all my love.

Sunday, December 8, 2019

December 8

Today is the 39th anniversary of John Lennon’s death, little sweetheart.

Although you were only one year old at the time, I think of you, of course, because you loved The Beatles and one of our first connections was you very sweetly, very thoughtfully bringing your DVD set of The Beatles Anthology to rehearsal to let me borrow. We hadn’t even spoken of it, you just knew that we both liked them so you grabbed them and brought them to work with you.

Tonight I walked up to The Dakota. There weren’t too many people around but crossing Central Park West into the park you could hear that folks were gathered there at Strawberry Fields singing along to Beatles songs. There’s often a guitar player or two there and people talking pictures but there was what sounded to be an entire band with full drums playing and a crowd circling them 10 deep singing along.

I climbed up on a park bench to get a better look. Everybody had their phones out and were taking photos or filming. And I did too. I took a little clip when everyone was singing the bridge of “A Day in The Life” - the sort of wordless bit leading into the last verse - and then the song that followed, “The Ballad of John and Yoko”.

It was a very New York kind of moment and you were, as ever, so very much in my thoughts. With all my love forever.

Saturday, December 7, 2019

Theatre Dream

I had kind of a funny dream last night, little sweetheart, but was the more blessed for it because you were with me!

There were several of us all together in a group at some kind of theatre performance. It had a very fringe-y feel to it material-wise but also seemed to be in a Broadway house - like an old theatre with lots of seats, kind of cramped but grand. The show was some kind of one-woman show and a little weird, not exactly realism. The performer was even a bit confrontational and I can't remember if she directed her ire at us exactly but we were a bit unsettled and tried to slip away.

We had to go down some crazy side door stairwell, like an old emergency exit or something and we got separated at first. I was looking around for you as I headed down the stairs trying to make an escape into the street when you came out from around a corner. You'd been to "merch" table or something because you had on a tee shirt and had a bag of a bunch of other things. Crazy, right?

I'm not sure what all this means aside from let's-get-the-hell-out of-here-as-fast-as-we-can-but-first-you're-going-to-get-your-money's-worth. Most important, I think, of course, is that you and I are together. May it be forever so!

With all my love.

Friday, December 6, 2019

Material Memory

I’m being extra careful now, little sweetheart, with the beautiful leather jacket you gave me on our last Christmas together.

I had been pretty much wearing it everyday regardless of the weather for the last eight years. Like I told you, we were very worried that the wear and tear to it was too much, too far gone for a restoration but the great folks at Superior Leather did manage to repair it beautifully. I’ve only had it out for a month or two as the weather has grown cooler and am very careful with it, hanging it up after in a place of honor.

The other day I saw a tiny gap in the stitching, less than one inch in length, and took it back. Then said they couldn’t just patch up that tiny bit because it was at the join of the old leather and the new and there wasn’t quite enough mass to the latter for it to take hold quite right. They said we could eventually replace that half of the right sleeve but that if it didn’t get any bigger, it would probably be alright for now.

So, I’m keeping an eye on it and also wearing other jackets sometimes, saving this very special treasured one so it lasts as long as possible. And the nice lady, Samantha, at Superior said to go ahead and wear it! Not to be afraid. Just like she told me when I brought it to her last spring, so heartbroken, how kindly she told me that I “hadn’t done anything wrong”.

Anyway, I broke out my old 3/4 length black overcoat. Remember it, little sweetheart? The Calvin Klein one? It’s rather lightweight with a zip-in lining you can use when it gets colder and I used to wear it all the time before you got me the beautiful leather jacket. There’s tons of pictures of you and I together where I’m wearing it, including most all of the ones on our trip to Ireland.

Tonight, I was walking to D’Agostino’s with it on and when I reached into the left pocket I felt something - it was one of the pens, a black one, that I got when we stopped into a store outside Bantry during our Irish adventure. It had been in there since then!

It was raining out, tonight, so I also was wearing my black boots. I had such a sense memory of being in our neighborhood in San Francisco, of being in the Inner Sunset, because this coat, with a hoodie, and those boots were what I wore almost every day there striding up and down the hills just south of Golden Gate Park with you or dashing out to pick up something for us at the deli or Roxie’s or Crepevine of an evening before coming home to your warm, waiting, loving arms. What a lovely feeling it was! As if I could almost touch our life!
How I miss and love you, my little sweetheart. Please be near me today, won’t you? And take me to you the moment heaven will allow. With all my love forever. 

Wednesday, December 4, 2019

The Music Matters

Something reminded me today, little sweetheart, of the Pogues's song "Dirty Old Town". And it took me instantly to you.

I remember it being one of my favorite moments in Tir n nOg, at the end of the act, when we all came forward and sang it together. And I remembered you texting me a few months later when you were out and saying that it just come up on the jukebox in the bar you were in, that it made you think of me, think of us.

And it made me think in the way that I have so very often and increasingly since the accident that nearly took my life, that it is music writ large that is the primary moving force in our lives. In mine.  The instantly resonant power of music - hearing something that strikes you to the core and composing our own, too - that is such a gift in this life.

Just as you are. You - the greatest gift of all. With all my love...

Sunday, December 1, 2019

First Snowfall

It's the first day of December, little sweetheart. Also the first day of Advent. And... the first snowfall of the season.

It's coming down very prettily right now. A little too warm to stick - 34f - but looking nice through the window.

It gets dark so early these short days of the year, little sweetheart, and being overcast all morning, the sun has never really come out yet.

I remember so well your coming here in mid-December right after the play closed in Boston and going up on the roof when we saw that it had begun to snow. You'd brought your trusty Nikon along with you and we took several pictures. One of them, with you all bundled up, the snow falling and the skyline behind you, became the back cover of one of the albums.

I'm feeling so sad today, my little sweetheart, but will try to busy myself with all the things I need to do. I know and have faith that you are closer than I can imagine. And my prayers and every thought flies to you!

Please be with me today. The beautiful snow, falling quietly in the darkness of this day, brings such memories - of you. With all my love...

Thursday, November 28, 2019

Thankful... For You!

Little sweetheart, today is Thanksgiving.

I'm all my own but I learned a couple of years ago that even if I am alone - be it on my birthday or some holiday meant for gathering like this one - I need to observe and not shrink from it. That only makes things the more lonely.

So, even though I miss you terribly (and my mom, too), I am so very grateful that you found me, that you come to me still in dreams and in the most unusual circumstances to fortify my faith. I know we'll be together again and forever. And even though I can't quite see where you are just now, we are together even in your seeming absence.

I'm so thankful and blessed, my little sweetheart. And I love you. Love you forever.