Friday, February 2, 2018

A New Month and things to say but first...

It's a new month, little sweetheart and I've lots to tell you - I've written some down already - but first I just want to say that the single is ready to go and it will feature both your vocals and this pretty picture of you that you took and sent me yourself to model the little onyx pendant I got you for your birthday. See below! So, more soon and I love you forever.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

New Single

Little sweetheart, we released the new album just a few weeks ago but I've already recorded a single to follow it up for release on Valentines Day.

It's a cover of Best Coast's "Better Girl" in our signature dreampop style and of course it features both your vocals and a lovely picture of you as its cover image.

You may remember my having told you about Best Coast. They're an LA-based duo, mostly, featuring Bethany Consentino as their songwriter, vocalist and guitarist.

When I was working on the art for Of Love and Loss, we came to a bit of snag and I called Sean to ask for his help. He was up in Cape Cod with his family but he said to come on up for a couple days to visit and work. I rented a car and drove straight up that night. We spent days on the beach and nights on the deck. I floated in the ocean and talked to people about you. And Sean finished the artwork for the album.

Before I left, he gave me a mix tape and it ended with a song by Best Coast, so beautiful and filled with longing, that it made me cry. That song is called "Up All Night" and it ends the album "The Only Place". I got myself a copy of that and was rather obsessed with it for months.

The songs have a mixture of hopefulness and longing and the melodies are pretty and bright and very Californian somehow. They make me think of and long for you. "Better Girl" has always been one of my favorites.

One day last week, I began thinking about working it out. I figured out the changes on guitar, wrote out the words and started practicing. I recorded the basic track that same night and worked a bit more over the coming days. We licensed the song, I finished the mix and sent it Boston for mastering. Once we get the master back and I upload it, it will be in the queue for release with our distributor and available everywhere digitally (iTunes, et al) on Valentines Day.

And, as ever, it's entirely for you, my little sweetheart.

You, who taught me so much and are responsible for every good thing there is. I love you with all my heart and soul. Forever. Forever. 

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

The Red Curlers

I’m remembering today, little sweetheart, lots of things from your very first visit here to New York, shortly after we became a pair. Indeed, I’m endeavoring to write down all that I can remember. And one of the things that I hadn’t thought about in a while was that once here, you had decided you needed to have a set of curlers on hand.

You didn’t often curl your long red hair but sometimes you liked to and you’d just finished doing a play in which you had, so I think it was still on your mind. We went over to the little store across 9th Avenue that’s sort of mostly hardware but also has homeware and stationary supplies and really just a little of everything. We got you a set of curlers - they’re red. I seem to remember there was something wrong with the first set or maybe you just changed your mind but we brought them back and exchanged them for a second set.

They’re still here, of course. The red table and an entire corner of that room was and is your province. I would always set all your things out for you just before your arrival and make sure to stock up on treats you like - mint tea, vanilla cameo sandwich cookies, your favorite vintage diet sodas - and arrange a dozen roses in a vase at your place there.

I keep all of these things for you to this day, my little sweetheart, along with an always burning tea light candle in a little glass holder before one of your many pictures.

This will always be your home. As you, yourself, are mine. With all my love forever.  

Monday, January 29, 2018

L'udovit Kochol

Little sweetheart, I saw the most amazing painting today.

It's a work by L'udovit Kochol called "Jacob Wrestling with the Angel". I think the artist is possibly Czech. I'm going to write the National Gallery to see if I can find out more.

But it's just breathtaking and such a resonant image for me - how I long to hold you in my arms and have you take me to you, take me to your side again and forever.

I'll let you know what more I find out, little sweetheart. I love you with all my heart and soul.

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Please Guide Me

Little sweetheart, I’ve been back in New York for a couple of weeks. Usually on Wednesdays I go to that little meditation service I’ve told you about. I missed a week (or was it two?) but have been twice also since returning, last night among them.

It drained me, darling. It’s become so emotional, maybe it always was, sitting alone, aside, to myself, singing my harmonies and repeating the prayers and coming forward and lighting a candle and whispering my own, whispering our prayer, that you be in the safe care of The Forever and that I might join you there as soon as possible, as soon as allowed, tonight if it is so willed. The silent meditation is after that part, the candle lighting. I return to my seat, the lights are lowered yet further, and we sit in silence for 10 or 15 minutes.

After the benediction, the musicians play once more and although others begin to rise and speak to each other breezily, tonight and often, I sit and pray and talk to you. And I wept so hard tonight, my little sweetheart.

I feel so lost and so alone and miss you so terribly. I don’t mind the pain, the longing. It feels a part of us, it feels like something to honor - this hole in my heart that only you can fill.

But I wonder if going there on Wednesday nights is really helping or if my time would be better spent here at my desk working feverishly on telling our story, telling you my thoughts, speaking to you from the depths of our shared soul.

It’s an hour walk there, an hour long service and an hour walk back. Those three hours have value, especially if they are a quiet block of time that focuses my attention in communion with your spirit. That, I treasure. I think, aside from the waves of emotion that hit me (and I do value), the exhaustion makes me wonder if maybe I should just try to keep those three hours here at home instead of in public, such as it is.

Will you please help me to decide, little sweetheart? Will you please guide me and let me know? I need you more than ever. And I love you with all my heart and soul.

As I used to say just if you were only going to the kitchen for a moment or shifting your weight a bit as we lay together in bed - please don’t go too far away. With all my love forever… xM

Monday, January 22, 2018


Little sweetheart, I forgot about a picture I took last month that made me think of you...

I was at D’Agostino’s. They have a few things in common with Safeway (and we don't have Safeway's on the east coast...). I didn’t discover it until after I’d been in SF with you. The Safeway at The Marina had a delightful little SFX in the produce aisle that would make the sound of thunder when the sprinklers went on to wet the vegetables there. D’Ags has the same thing here. They also sometimes have something on the other side of the aisle opposite the produce that you and I used to love - frosted sugar cookies.

Remember? They’re really soft and cake-like and they usually put them out with a holiday theme - at St Patrick’s Day, they’ll be in shamrock shapes with green icing; on July 4th, they’ll be red, white and blue… They had some last month with a Christmas theme.

I took a picture because it reminded me of how you and I used to get a package of them, usually right there at the Marina Safeway, but sometimes at the one a bit closer to your house, and then drive down to the beach and watch the waves together. We’d eat the cookies and watch the tide come in. Once, I remember, we saw several dolphins. One and then another and another. We cried out excitedly. Remember? And we’d try not to eat all the cookies. but we’d have most of them.

Little sweetheart, I miss a thousand million things about my life with you. The life I was meant to have but was torn from me. I suppose there are many things I don’t and can’t yet know. Maybe there is a much better life with you just ahead once I get through this mortal one, one that I will find when I pass through the veil and see you finally take my hand and bring me along again to your side but this time forever.

I pray for that every morning and every night and often throughout the day. Take me to you the moment heaven will allow, won’t you, my love? I’ll bring those cookies we like…

Friday, January 19, 2018

Blessed With Signs

Little sweetheart, I’m trying my best to try my best. And when I do, I feel your presence ever so keenly.

I love when you find me in dreams. I’m not often good at remembering them - the details or even the larger picture, but I know when you’ve been with me. It fortifies me through the day.

Sometimes, the morning light will hit a picture of yours illuminating it celestially or the light will manifest itself in a floating, shimmering shape than seems to dance before me and I know that you are near.

Birds sometimes alight at the window only an arm’s length from me here at my desk or will greet me on my morning run along the frozen river, cheering and encouraging me, as I know you do.

And sometimes in a store or on the street or even, incredibly, in the hall of our building just today, I will recognize your signature scent, as sweet as cotton candy or the loveliest of birthday cakes.

I am blessed beyond comprehension when these signs of your eternal presence make themselves known to me, my angel.

May I do as you wish and urge me. May I quiet myself and listen. May I serve and honor you. Now and right to the very moment when you are finally allowed to come collect and take me to your side again and forever. May I be steadfast. May I be true.

In all things, I love you my darling girl. Forever. With the Truest Love. Forever. Always.