Monday, March 19, 2018

A Better Anniversary...

Of all the bitter days of March, little sweetheart, now remembered for the tragic events of 2011, it's so much more lovely to remember an earlier, happier one.

Today, March 19, is the day that you & I recognized as our anniversary as a couple, remember? And today is actually the tenth anniversary.

So, happy anniversary, my gorgeous girl, my beautiful angel. I love you with all my heart and soul. Forever yours.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Forever... (and Dream 3 video)

On this day in 2011, little sweetheart, you crossed over to The Forever, where I so long to join you. Tonight I assembled this video in honor and memory and faith - we'll be together again, soon and forever. Love you with all my heart and soul.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

The Soul Mate

Little sweetheart, I saw a wonderful painting this morning by a Czech artist, Max Svabinsky - one of the country's most prominent. It's called "The Soul Mate" and was painted in 1896. He lived until 1963! It reminds me so of how I long for and need you - my own soulmate - and hope to fly to you soon. With all my love forever.

My Light

Little sweetheart, last night I headed up to that little church I've told you about where on most Wednesday nights they hold a candlelight meditation with music and reflection.

I've gotten to know some of the people there and one or two were aware that these are the ten days that marked the time between your accident and tragic passing.

One of those dear ladies lost her own husband three years ago, that anniversary being just last month. She gave me a beautiful little book last night written by a man who lost his child and set down his thoughts about grief and mourning. It's written almost like a book of thoughtful poems and I'm very much looking forward to reading it.

Afterwards, one of the ministers, the first one I got to know a little, the associate pastor, a young gay woman with lots of tattoos (I think you'd like her, little sweetheart), came over to talk and pray with me. It's still very cold here, little sweetheart. It's mid-March but winter is hanging on, the wind blowing icily from the west off the river. And the old church is rather drafty, especially where I always seem to insist on sitting - in the back, near the side door leading out to West End Avenue.

Anyway, even inside, I was wrapped up in the beautiful blue and grey scarf you knitted and gave to me our very Christmas together. I don't wear it often enough. I'm always afraid it might get lost and you know how I can be so fussy about "saving" things. Instead of putting something lovely that holds such meaning to me to actual use, I tend to place it somewhere in the apartment where my eye will fall upon it in holy remembrance, setting it in a place of honor.

But sometimes I remember and hear your voice on a cold day, gently encouraging me: "you know, Michael, it's quite chilly out, today would be a good day to wear your scarf". So, I made a point of doing that. It's warm and lovely and long and I can wrap it several times around my neck and still have lots to also blanket my chest so that it blouses out almost like a robin's. It's really perfect - it's like I'm in your arms, as if you are embracing me. And I'm so proud to tell anyone who will listen that you made it for me! I told Barbara (the lady who gave me the book) and I told Jes (that young pastor) before she took my hand in prayer for you, that you are safely in God's care and that you may be near to help and guide me until I may be with you again and forever. 

Part of the service includes a handful of readings, both secular and sacred, and one of them last night was a poem, a poem I know and that we recorded with ambient guitar underscoring for Electric Hymnal. It's a poem by Charlotte Mew called "May 1915". Like so many things, it makes my thoughts fly toward and of you. It's in full, below.

Please be with me today, little sweetheart. Help me do the right thing. And please take me to you the moment heaven will allow. With all my love forever.

Your Michael.

May 1915 by Charlotte Mew

Let us remember
Spring will come again
To the scorched, blackened woods
Where the wounded trees
With their old wise patience
For the heavenly rain
Sure of the sky:
Sure of the sea to send its healing breeze
Sure of the sun.
And even to these
Surely the Spring,
When God shall please,
Will come again
Like a divine surprise
To those who sit today
With their great Dead,
Hands in their hands,
Eyes in their eyes,
At one with love,
At one with Grief:
Blind to the scattered things
And changing skies. 

Monday, March 12, 2018


Little sweetheart, I've been listening to a new show on WFMU. It's on late at night, the overnight 3-6 Wednesday into Thursday, so I'm usually not awake when it's on and only listen back later on the station's archive. It's Olivia's show and very interesting not only for tracks she selects - a mixture of drone and experimental and pop and spoken word - but for the live sound collages she's mixes live on air. I started listening a few weeks ago.

Anyway, today I was really tired and sad and lay down for a nap. I had an earlier show of hers on and a song woke me. It was Fairport Convention's version of "Who Knows Where the Time Goes".

Little sweetheart, I remember you singing a bit of it when you & I were together in your room in Boston and it always makes me think of you. But honestly I'd never really heard it in its entirety - like heard the words. It made me cry and long for you. And also made me feel that you were near.

Please help and guide me, little sweetheart. And take me to you as soon as heaven will allow. There are so many things only you know and can help me with. I know you try as best you can to reach me. And I feel that hearing this today was another one of them.

Quietly napping, you woke me so that with no else to distract me I might know what you wanted to say and keep it safely in my heart.

I love you, my gorgeous angel. Forever.

Across the morning sky,
All the birds are leaving,
Ah, how can they know it's time for them to go?
Before the winter fire,
We'll still be dreaming.
I do not count the time
Who knows where the time goes?
Who knows where the time goes?
Sad deserted shore,
Your fickle friends are leaving,
Ah, but then you know it's time for them to go,
But I will still be here,
I have no thought of leaving.
I do not count the time
Who knows where the time goes?
Who knows where the time goes?
And I'm not alone,
While my love is near me,
And I know, it will be so, till it's time to go,
So come the storms of winter,
And then the birds in spring again.
I do not fear the time
Who knows how my love grows?
Who knows where the time goes?

Thursday, March 8, 2018

The True Way

Seven years ago, little sweetheart, I woke with you for the last time. You were curled up in my arms with your little feet around my ankles, your hot water bottle pushed off the side of the bed to the floor, warm enough now in an embrace. You kissed me and we lingered together for an hour.

A beautiful day, warm and glistening and filled with love and promise and adventures together, that ended in tragedy and left me forever broken.

I look for you everywhere and seize upon anything that might be a sign, a trace of you trying your best to comfort and guide me.

This morning, after saying our prayer and stroking the things that lay upon your pillow, talking to you softly, after texting your parents and just sitting inconsolable on the bed in tears, I rose and walked to the kitchen to make coffee and begin the day, however sadly, however lost. There upon the counter was an inexplicable ring of condensation. A circle of tiny water dots like a speech bubble in an illustration waiting to be filled in with some message. At its outer edge the sun glanced off the surface in a kind of arrow, as if to indicate directions.

I can't know the day. I can't know the hour. I can't even know why I remain. But I must listen quietly and simply have faith that someday, some hour, sometime (and may it be soon), I will be returned to you.

I've a picture of us, a selfie before people called them that, of you and I, our faces pressed together, your lips upon my cheek, standing within a stone circle at the edge of the world - the end of the Sheep's Head peninsula out beyond the lighthouse on our trip to Ireland.

Moments after it was snapped and we began trekking back to the village, we got lost, taking a wrong turn and losing the path. It was becoming dusk and I got worried. I ran ahead looking for a fork that would return us before it got dark and we were truly lost. You cried out, because I was walking too fast for you, and I turned. When I did I saw a sign - only visible from this direction, only able to be perceived because I was turned away from the rogue path, only visible because I was turned to face you - an arrow that showed me, showed us the way. The True Way.

And that way is you, my little sweetheart.

In all things, how you have saved and changed and guided me, from the day I met you to this very moment when I can't touch or see you, when I ache to do so, still you find a way to help me find the way. Ever grateful, I love you forever. And trust my soul, which is best equipped to hear you, which is itself half of your own, to perceive your guiding presence and lead me home. For home is you.

With all my love forever. Forever, Summer. Forever, my little sweetheart. Forever. 

Saturday, March 3, 2018

From Portugal

Little sweetheart, those same nice folks from France who are helping us over there came across a review of Dream Together that we hadn't seen before. It's from Portugal and was published in WAV Magazine just over a year ago! I don't know how we missed it but it's very nice. I'm trying to contact them.

The link to it is here: DREAM TOGETHER review - WAV Magazine (Portugal). 

I'm leaving the translation here below and my favorite parts, of course, are all the parts about you, especially this:

"...The will of a life of two lovers to be forever remembered, Summer Serafin continues to be the inspiration and motive for each newly addictive Bipolar Explorer album..."

Here it is in full, translated:

WAV magazine (Portugal)
Diogo Rocha
March 1, 2017

The year 2016 did not leave good memories to very many people! There are those who say that the best thing that happened in 2016 was that 2017 started. And I'm glad it did. On the first day of the new year, New York's Bipolar Explorer band presented their new album as a late Christmas present. Dream Together is the sixth long-length work of this post-rock group (dreampop, shoegaze, slowcore, minimalist indie or whatever one might want to call it) consisting of Summer Serafin and Michael Serafin-Wells.

After the much acclaimed Of Love and Loss (2013) and Angels (2015), Dream Together is a record that is great to behold in that cold winter, wrapped in blankets, surrounded by heaters and a freshly ground cup of Arabica coffee. For an hour, Bipolar Explorer bring back those characteristic sonics to which their fans are accustomed- loops swirling, guitars stirring feelings, infinitely nostalgic melodies and a voice looking for something that does not belong to this world. The result of this equation is a return to a time to which there is no certainty that one has belonged, but that is quite familiar to us.

The door of this return is opened by "Thirteen", a melody that prepares us to receive the melancholy and to understand that love does not always have a happy ending. This perception is heard painfully in "Not Alone", “With no arms to hold me / Let your spirit enfold me / I'm not alone”. But soon in "Dream 3", is clear the will of a life of two lovers to be forever remembered, "The precious spell and time will tell / The world the tale / How I'm in love".

Although passed from this life after a tragic accident, Summer Serafin continues to be the inspiration and motive for each newly addictive Bipolar Explorer album. In "Listen", Michael Serafin-Wells declares all his intentions, "Rest now / In the garden of ours /And I’ll be along / To reverse every wrong / In just a little while / I'll meet you there”. 

And do not forget that Summer's longing will only grow, always supported by the love that still nourishes her - “So deep inside my heart / Where you’ll remain and always burn / The most beautiful spirit /Ascension! / The miracle made true / Blessed, precious treasure / I need you more than ever ", is cried in “To The Other Half Of The Sky ".

With instrumental pauses that make us hold our breath and delve deeper into nostalgia, "Fireflies" and "Along These Lines" enrich this volume and testament of love.

Instrumentally, Dream Together does not present itself in a significantly different way than those works preceded by the band. In fact, everything we hear on this new album is already within the sonic signature of these New Yorkers. The highlight here is the emotional punch we are offered. Punching and kicking we are tackled throughout the album. Whenever a new track starts, it is as if we rise from the ground simply to fall again and only at the end do we realize the hematomas and hemorrhages all over the body. It's only when it's over that, with puffy eyes and a tight heart, we lower the lid of the computer, put down the cup of coffee and let out a breath of relief: oh my god!

Friday, March 2, 2018

The Reason, My Conscience, You

Little sweetheart, colleagues in France are helping the band up our profile a little bit. A pair of them are also Wikipedia editors/contributors and last night they published a page for the band.

It's here: Bipolar Explorer Wikipedia page

I sent it to your dad right away because he loves Wikipedia. Remember how you told me in your first Christmas letter to me that he would be "reading aloud shocking statistics about religion or politics"?

Anyway, it was very nice of our new French friends to get everything together and approved and published on the site and my favorite part is that it includes what I said to Indiemusic about you being the heart and conscience of the band, my work and life. It's this:  

"All of this is entirely for her. I often say that our music, each album, is of, for and about her. It’s my way of telling people about her and talking to her myself. That’s the “for’ and “about” parts of the equation. And Summer remains an integral part of the band - not only as its inspiration but, because I have lots of her isolated vocals from other recording sessions - as her voice, both spoken and singing, graces each record. I’ll write songs and fly in her voice. Summer isn’t the main reason BPX goes on, she’s the only reason. She is the reason. And I think I can trust that I’m doing things for the right reason if I always know the reason for it is her. Not out of any ambition other than to honor and conjure her. She’s my conscience. "


Little sweetheart, sometimes I don't tell you about things that upset and worry me. At least not here. Sometimes when I lay in bed talking to you, I will. I actually feel much better when I do or after I do, so maybe it's not altogether a terrible idea to say something here and now.

There was such a mix of good and bad things yesterday, little sweetheart, that I'm confused and, as always, need your help. A wonderful thing happened in the afternoon and a rather disturbing thing last night.

The weather keeps fluctuating wildly from the arctic and miserable to the warm and lovely. Yesterday was the latter. I had a lot of work to do in the morning and early afternoon but I already knew the forecast and that the nice weather was going to turn overnight, so I was determined to get in a run before it got too late. I've been laid up a couple of times for extended periods last month with the flu and then a severe cold, so I haven't been running as much as I'd like. It was a bit overcast but unseasonably warm, so I set out along the river. I like coming across birds during my run. I always think of you when I hear their sweet little songs and usually say "hey, guys" to them as I pass. On my way back along the bit of boardwalk that runs very close to the water's edge and ultimately connects to points of the shared pedestrian and bike path, I came to a clearing. No one was around. No trace of a single person passing by. But in that moment I got the strongest sense of your presence because your scent - that sweet smell of you that is like cotton candy or birthday cake - came flooding forward. I'll sometimes get a whiff of it like this, turning onto an empty aisle in the grocery store or passing a stretch of sidewalk. Sometimes someone may be passing, so it's possible they share a soap or shampoo or fragrance similar, but other times like this, there isn't anyone remotely nearby and all I can think is that somehow you are. You're making your presence known to comfort and encourage and guide me. It fills me with love and gratitude and joy. It made my whole day so much lighter. So much so that I hate to even mention the darker thing that happened later that night.

I love when you come to me in dreams, little sweetheart. I pray for your visits and am so heartened by them. But sometimes disturbing things happen. Often you comfort me or things are simply as they were and I am grateful and relieved and returned to your side where I belong. But other times, you don't seem to know me or remember and it fills me with anxiety and fear.

This was one of those kind of dreams but even worse. You were simply indifferent. I felt crushed and so alone. And I wondered if I was doing something in my waking hours that had upset you, that was wrong, that you were angry with me.

Please help and guide me, my darling girl. Please forgive me when I do wrong and point me back in the right direction. Please don't give up on me. I need you so. Help me and please remember and love me. I need you. I hope you can hear me. I know you can. Just help me to know the right way forward so that I honor and do as you will. I love you with all my heart and soul.

Please come again and let me know your mind and wishes. And take me to you the moment heaven will allow. With all my love forever... xM

Monday, February 26, 2018

Mighty Forces

Little sweetheart, it's been a funny month. I've felt so fragile - ill for parts of it and anxious about things during other days.

These weeks and those few ahead are always so loaded for me because of the bitter anniversaries they bring around the terrible tragedy of your passing. Our last days, which I couldn't possibly have known for being such at the time but feel somehow in retrospect full of ominous signs. I remember even resisting saying "the last day" the very first time I began to utter it, still in the hospital praying for your recovery. And as March approaches I feel all this so keenly yet again.

Help me to keep focused on the things you have planned for me, little sweetheart. Please help me honor and listen for you. Please help me hold your memory and sense your guiding presence because I know you will lead me, as you always have from the moment you found me, the way I'm meant to be going - our way. Together.

Reach for me, my darling girl. I will follow.

With all my love... xM

Wednesday, February 21, 2018


Little sweetheart, it's incredibly, unseasonably warm today. It's late February and it's in the 70's! 78 here in the city was the high today. Right now it's still 74f. A few days ago we had snow. A few from now it's going to be in the 30's.

But today, it's like June. And I did something that made me think of you and make me wish we had done it together. I went out to Coney Island.

Everything's closed out there because, well, because it's the middle of the winter. The amusement park and all the stalls and little shops on the boardwalk are closed. And so are the beaches or at least the waters - you're not supposed to go swimming and there are no lifeguards present. But it was sunny and warm and more than a few people were out. I strolled along the boardwalk and then remembered how you would tell me to make sure I had sunscreen on, so I sat on a bench and applied a bit and then put my hat back on and just watched people walking by for quite a while.

Later, I went down to the water and walked along the shore on the sand and eventually up and out the end of one of the piers. I tried to think of the last time I was out there and I think it must've been 20 years ago. You were probably still in high school!

I really wish we could have a day like this together, little sweetheart. Maybe take a little lunch with us and have a picnic. I remember you telling me that you had a hamper for just such an outing.

I don't know what time is, my darling, my gorgeous girl, but I suspect that you know much more about it and how it works. I hope and pray that it is so much more elastic and accessible once we're on the other side. Once I'm returned to you. Maybe then we can do all kinds of things. All the things we talked about and planned and even more.

I pray for that every day - to be returned to you, my little sweetheart, And to have all the time in the world so we never have to worry again. We'll always be together. Always. How I long for that day. With all my love forever... xM

Friday, February 16, 2018

Fever Dreams

Little sweetheart, I'm sick again! Gah! Not as bad as a week or so ago when I could barely stand to lay down because my stomach hurt so bad, but just a really severe cold. The kind where I actually lose my voice. That almost never happens.

But the reason I'm telling you isn't to complain or commiserate. It's because I've been able to do almost nothing but sleep (which is good) and I've had the most deep kind of sleeping and dreams. The kind of sleep I used to have with you by my side.

I think that's something we both enjoyed, kind of cured in each other. I was always so proud to hear you tell me that you never slept better than when we were side by side wrapped around each other. That often you had great difficulty sleeping but not when we were together.

What I'm thinking of in these last days is how exhausted and soundly I have been out. Like for the entire day and again all night. It reminds me of how you and I would fall asleep in your bed with the windows open and the curtains billowing in the light warm breeze, wrapped around each other and just passed out! Gone. Only to wake finally, groggily, deliciously together. Looking at each other through blurry eyes to say "wow... we were really out!" I love that.

And I can't think of that feeling without thinking of you and the joy, the light and love you brought into my life.

Even sick like this, it's a gift because this kind f sleep - I'm not sure I've had since I was with you last - reminds me of the gift that you. How much I love and long for you.

And sleep is also where I always so often hope to find you. Find me, won''t you my darling? And take me to you again this time forever.

With all my love... xM

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

 Little sweetheart, today we release our cover of Best Coast's "Better Girl". As ever, it is entirely for you - on this, Valentines Day. Here's what I wrote to announce the release on iTunes, Bandcamp, et al...

February 14, 2018
(Valentines Day)

Just six weeks ago, we released our seventh album, a 28-track double-album - SOMETIMES IN DREAMS. But, unable to restrain ourselves, today we release a new single on its very heels.

Released on Valentines Day, it’s a cover of Best Coast’s “Better Girl” and available via all the usual suspects/platforms - Apple Music/iTunes, Amazon, Bandcamp, CD Baby, Spotify, Deezer, et al.

Immeasurably indebted and unbelievable flattered to (occasionally) being likened to bands like Low, Slowdive, and The Velvet Underground, who we revere, we’d like to say something about Bethany Consentino and her group - we love them.

Long story short as possible - when we were wrapping up work on OF LOVE AND LOSS, still very much shattered by grief, our art director gave us a mix tape, something put together by the great Since ’78. Entitled “Adios Los Angeles”, it was all around the theme of leaving, of all that’s lost and all we might hope to one day once again find. 

The final track was Best Coast’s “Up All Night”, the kind of pop song so filled with the ache of longing and distance that I nearly fell apart listening the first time. And again. And again. I’d never heard the band before, so I got myself the album “Up All Night” came from (and, indeed, closes) - “The Only Place”.

As our band has moved deeper and deeper into post-rock terrain, it may seem a bit of an anomaly to hear how felled I was by Ms. Consentino and her sunny, bittersweet anthems - long-suffering friends are far more likely to hear me enthusing or indeed insisting on one more spin of “Metal Machine Music” at full volume - but felled I was.

“The Only Place” was in heavy rotation here at The Shrine for the better part of the winter I first acquired it and this mid-album track with its refrain - “you gotta keep me away from what they say about me” and its soaring repeated ending chorus “I wanna be a better girl, a better girl, a better girl” stuck in my throat and heart and chest.

This album, this song, came to me at the darkest of times, opening the wound of loss and longing even yet a bit deeper all in the service of helping me remember and keep moving, however hurting.

Our shoegazey version of this song, released today, on Valentines Day, is meant as a tribute both in thanks to its author and to our fallen bandmate herself, my love and partner. my soulmate, true love and best friend, Summer.

If Ms. Consentino herself comes across this, I hope she doesn’t roll her eyes too much. Because, in the immortal words of John Lydon, “we mean it, man.”

With love and faith…

Michael Serafin-Wells
Bipolar Explorer
New York City 

Ash Wednesday

In addition to it being Valentines Day today, little sweetheart, it’s also Ash Wednesday.

One of the holiest days of the year, it also is filled with the most intense kind of sadness and grief for me personally because in 2011 Ash Wednesday came the morning after your tragic accident.

In the hospital all night waiting to see you in the ICU, as dawn broke and people began to arrive for work, to visit, or otherwise, the very signature and surreal sight of many with the mark of the cross in black ash upon their foreheads began to multiply. It was eerie and heartbreaking.

It wasn’t until a few years ago when I first began going to that little lurch on the Upper West Side that I’ve told you about, that first participated in the ritual myself. You come forward for what is called “The Imposition of Ashes” and the minister or priest says something and makes the mark upon you.

Today, instead of going up to West End, I stopped at Sacred Heart, the little Spanish church right across from that rectory I’ve told you of, where the nuns live and where the tiny garden with the statue of the Bless Virgin Mary stands - the spot I pass a few times each day and always stop to say our prayer, asking God to keep you safely in His care and to take me to you as soon as Heaven will allow.

For all these reasons, I’m thinking and longing for you today, my darling girl. Please help and guide me and take me to you, fold me again alongside where I may be with you always, forever. With all my love.

Valentines Day 2018

Little sweetheart, today is Valentines Day and as ever I am missing, longing, aching for you. Each year I send you a dozen roses c/o your parents house (and a little arrangement for your Mom too). Here’s what I wrote on the card. Please take me to you the moment that heaven will allow.

My dearest darling Summer, Happy Valentine's Day, little sweetheart. I'm so grateful for you. You have filled my heart and my life with light and love. You are my treasure forever 

With all my love, 

Your Michael

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

The Passage

Little sweetheart, I've had an incredible amount of stomach pain for the last two days. I guess I have a particularly virulent strain of the flu or something. I texted your dad because it was really quite severe. I'm doing a bit better today but Monday night was almost unbearable and kind of scary. I couldn't really sleep. It felt like I imagine appendicitis to feel like. It was that bad. And the reason I'm telling you, little sweetheart, is that I really did kind of hope that it meant I might die.

I've thought this way sometimes when I have chest pains - that if it gets worse, I'll just welcome it, not call for help or medical attention but just ride it out and hopefully right into your arms and the Forever. It's an odd thing to say, I suppose, and I've learned that I have to be careful, when and where and how and who I say things like this to, because well-meaning people can send the authorities for you and lock you right up without any recourse, taking away your autonomy and all rights, if they want to. It actually happened to me a few months after your tragic passing, so I know. I have to be careful. Can't trust people with this.

But I wanted to tell you. I welcome the passage. I want to be returned to you. I think of it every day. Some days more intently than others, but every day. May it come soon. May I be returned to you. I feel a kind of dizziness and a sensation in the air as if our life was nearly within reach.

Take me to you. I love you with all my heart and soul. Forever, Forever.

Monday, February 5, 2018

To Do

Little sweetheart, it’s a difficult time. Many terribly sad anniversaries lay just weeks ahead from now and I’m already feeling the weight of them. I want so very much to please and honor and find you. I’m determined to write as much as I possibly can in the months ahead straight through the spring. Please be near me and guide me and help me remember and do my very best - for you!

I have a music side project to attend to that’s going to take up two weeks this month. I’m happy for it. I think it will be good for me, good for us.

But I long to be entirely immersed in you and our story. I long to get down everything I can. I want to be free of all distractions and somehow be the most efficient channeling device for your spirit.

Please help me to receive every transmission and relay with truth and virtue and power. Please guide and take me. I love you with all my heart and soul. Forever. Forever.

Friday, February 2, 2018

A New Month and things to say but first...

It's a new month, little sweetheart and I've lots to tell you - I've written some down already - but first I just want to say that the single is ready to go and it will feature both your vocals and this pretty picture of you that you took and sent me yourself to model the little onyx pendant I got you for your birthday. See below! So, more soon and I love you forever.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

New Single

Little sweetheart, we released the new album just a few weeks ago but I've already recorded a single to follow it up for release on Valentines Day.

It's a cover of Best Coast's "Better Girl" in our signature dreampop style and of course it features both your vocals and a lovely picture of you as its cover image.

You may remember my having told you about Best Coast. They're an LA-based duo, mostly, featuring Bethany Consentino as their songwriter, vocalist and guitarist.

When I was working on the art for Of Love and Loss, we came to a bit of snag and I called Sean to ask for his help. He was up in Cape Cod with his family but he said to come on up for a couple days to visit and work. I rented a car and drove straight up that night. We spent days on the beach and nights on the deck. I floated in the ocean and talked to people about you. And Sean finished the artwork for the album.

Before I left, he gave me a mix tape and it ended with a song by Best Coast, so beautiful and filled with longing, that it made me cry. That song is called "Up All Night" and it ends the album "The Only Place". I got myself a copy of that and was rather obsessed with it for months.

The songs have a mixture of hopefulness and longing and the melodies are pretty and bright and very Californian somehow. They make me think of and long for you. "Better Girl" has always been one of my favorites.

One day last week, I began thinking about working it out. I figured out the changes on guitar, wrote out the words and started practicing. I recorded the basic track that same night and worked a bit more over the coming days. We licensed the song, I finished the mix and sent it Boston for mastering. Once we get the master back and I upload it, it will be in the queue for release with our distributor and available everywhere digitally (iTunes, et al) on Valentines Day.

And, as ever, it's entirely for you, my little sweetheart.

You, who taught me so much and are responsible for every good thing there is. I love you with all my heart and soul. Forever. Forever. 

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

The Red Curlers

I’m remembering today, little sweetheart, lots of things from your very first visit here to New York, shortly after we became a pair. Indeed, I’m endeavoring to write down all that I can remember. And one of the things that I hadn’t thought about in a while was that once here, you had decided you needed to have a set of curlers on hand.

You didn’t often curl your long red hair but sometimes you liked to and you’d just finished doing a play in which you had, so I think it was still on your mind. We went over to the little store across 9th Avenue that’s sort of mostly hardware but also has homeware and stationary supplies and really just a little of everything. We got you a set of curlers - they’re red. I seem to remember there was something wrong with the first set or maybe you just changed your mind but we brought them back and exchanged them for a second set.

They’re still here, of course. The red table and an entire corner of that room was and is your province. I would always set all your things out for you just before your arrival and make sure to stock up on treats you like - mint tea, vanilla cameo sandwich cookies, your favorite vintage diet sodas - and arrange a dozen roses in a vase at your place there.

I keep all of these things for you to this day, my little sweetheart, along with an always burning tea light candle in a little glass holder before one of your many pictures.

This will always be your home. As you, yourself, are mine. With all my love forever.  

Monday, January 29, 2018

L'udovit Kochol

Little sweetheart, I saw the most amazing painting today.

It's a work by L'udovit Kochol called "Jacob Wrestling with the Angel". I think the artist is possibly Czech. I'm going to write the National Gallery to see if I can find out more.

But it's just breathtaking and such a resonant image for me - how I long to hold you in my arms and have you take me to you, take me to your side again and forever.

I'll let you know what more I find out, little sweetheart. I love you with all my heart and soul.

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Please Guide Me

Little sweetheart, I’ve been back in New York for a couple of weeks. Usually on Wednesdays I go to that little meditation service I’ve told you about. I missed a week (or was it two?) but have been twice also since returning, last night among them.

It drained me, darling. It’s become so emotional, maybe it always was, sitting alone, aside, to myself, singing my harmonies and repeating the prayers and coming forward and lighting a candle and whispering my own, whispering our prayer, that you be in the safe care of The Forever and that I might join you there as soon as possible, as soon as allowed, tonight if it is so willed. The silent meditation is after that part, the candle lighting. I return to my seat, the lights are lowered yet further, and we sit in silence for 10 or 15 minutes.

After the benediction, the musicians play once more and although others begin to rise and speak to each other breezily, tonight and often, I sit and pray and talk to you. And I wept so hard tonight, my little sweetheart.

I feel so lost and so alone and miss you so terribly. I don’t mind the pain, the longing. It feels a part of us, it feels like something to honor - this hole in my heart that only you can fill.

But I wonder if going there on Wednesday nights is really helping or if my time would be better spent here at my desk working feverishly on telling our story, telling you my thoughts, speaking to you from the depths of our shared soul.

It’s an hour walk there, an hour long service and an hour walk back. Those three hours have value, especially if they are a quiet block of time that focuses my attention in communion with your spirit. That, I treasure. I think, aside from the waves of emotion that hit me (and I do value), the exhaustion makes me wonder if maybe I should just try to keep those three hours here at home instead of in public, such as it is.

Will you please help me to decide, little sweetheart? Will you please guide me and let me know? I need you more than ever. And I love you with all my heart and soul.

As I used to say just if you were only going to the kitchen for a moment or shifting your weight a bit as we lay together in bed - please don’t go too far away. With all my love forever… xM

Monday, January 22, 2018


Little sweetheart, I forgot about a picture I took last month that made me think of you...

I was at D’Agostino’s. They have a few things in common with Safeway (and we don't have Safeway's on the east coast...). I didn’t discover it until after I’d been in SF with you. The Safeway at The Marina had a delightful little SFX in the produce aisle that would make the sound of thunder when the sprinklers went on to wet the vegetables there. D’Ags has the same thing here. They also sometimes have something on the other side of the aisle opposite the produce that you and I used to love - frosted sugar cookies.

Remember? They’re really soft and cake-like and they usually put them out with a holiday theme - at St Patrick’s Day, they’ll be in shamrock shapes with green icing; on July 4th, they’ll be red, white and blue… They had some last month with a Christmas theme.

I took a picture because it reminded me of how you and I used to get a package of them, usually right there at the Marina Safeway, but sometimes at the one a bit closer to your house, and then drive down to the beach and watch the waves together. We’d eat the cookies and watch the tide come in. Once, I remember, we saw several dolphins. One and then another and another. We cried out excitedly. Remember? And we’d try not to eat all the cookies. but we’d have most of them.

Little sweetheart, I miss a thousand million things about my life with you. The life I was meant to have but was torn from me. I suppose there are many things I don’t and can’t yet know. Maybe there is a much better life with you just ahead once I get through this mortal one, one that I will find when I pass through the veil and see you finally take my hand and bring me along again to your side but this time forever.

I pray for that every morning and every night and often throughout the day. Take me to you the moment heaven will allow, won’t you, my love? I’ll bring those cookies we like…

Friday, January 19, 2018

Blessed With Signs

Little sweetheart, I’m trying my best to try my best. And when I do, I feel your presence ever so keenly.

I love when you find me in dreams. I’m not often good at remembering them - the details or even the larger picture, but I know when you’ve been with me. It fortifies me through the day.

Sometimes, the morning light will hit a picture of yours illuminating it celestially or the light will manifest itself in a floating, shimmering shape than seems to dance before me and I know that you are near.

Birds sometimes alight at the window only an arm’s length from me here at my desk or will greet me on my morning run along the frozen river, cheering and encouraging me, as I know you do.

And sometimes in a store or on the street or even, incredibly, in the hall of our building just today, I will recognize your signature scent, as sweet as cotton candy or the loveliest of birthday cakes.

I am blessed beyond comprehension when these signs of your eternal presence make themselves known to me, my angel.

May I do as you wish and urge me. May I quiet myself and listen. May I serve and honor you. Now and right to the very moment when you are finally allowed to come collect and take me to your side again and forever. May I be steadfast. May I be true.

In all things, I love you my darling girl. Forever. With the Truest Love. Forever. Always.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

The Months Ahead

Little sweetheart, sometimes it doesn’t seem as if there are enough moments in the day and other times it seems that the days just go on and on without consequence. Most of the time it’s hard to leave bed and begin another day, I long for you so. Other days, when I do finally rise, I think of the things I want to do to honor and remember and keep you near.

Those are the better days and I have a little index card over my desk reminding me - do the work. I’ve got plans, as strange as it may seem, even to myself, to say so.

When I think of that word, I invariably think of you. Of our plans. Even, so very presciently, the DCfC tee shirt you gave to me with that very word on it.

In the months ahead, may I have more good days than bad. More good, productive days where I do the work left to me as I wait for the hour I may return to you. More days where I find ways to be kind to others and live according to the great example of your own true heart which lights my way.

Help guide me, my angel. And take me to you the moment heaven will allow. With all my love forever.

Friday, January 12, 2018

In the Air

Little sweetheart, it’s late Friday night. I’ve just walked all the way home from W104th Street. After sub zero temperatures and the crazy “Arctic Bomb” or whatever that canceled flights and dumped a foot of snow, just a week later it’s nearly 60f here. A light rain is falling. I’m wearing those boots you like to see me in. And the black leather jacket you gave me for Christmas. And the blue Skye tee shirt you gave me. Your handwriting is tattooed on each forearm. I carry you with me.

It’s an unseasonably warm January night, almost like spring. And as I walk I have the strongest feeling of time travel. Of being with you in San Francisco. Maybe it has to do with striding these hills in a mist wearing these very boots that reminds me of just popping round the corner while you stay warm at home in your jammies and I grab a treat for us or maybe even full take out from Crepevine.

In the early days, I used to write here that I could feel things like this, little details, kinesthetically, like a phantom limb. I have that sensation tonight, little sweetheart. Something in the feel of my boots on the pavement, the mist in the air, the night around me, your spirit with me and transporting.

Maybe it’s the San Franciscan-like weather. Maybe it’s that I spent the evening talking about you.

My friend from Taize, the older lady who lost her husband just a few years ago, invited me over to meet her son (both her late husband and her son are musicians, drummers) and see their amazing apartment, big as a small house, right in Manhattan. Very Upper West Side. The kind of place you could get back in the 70’s before the neighborhood became more affluent and fashionable. We had pizza and I saw their music room and Barbara and I talked about things, about you.

You are so very much on my mind tonight, little sweetheart, and near me in the long walk home. Your mom told me some stories about you that I need to write down and haven’t yet. There’s so much to do.

But most the important of them is just to listen quietly for your presence and guidance and know that you are with me. That we will be together soon and forever. As I know, somehow, we always have been.

It’s night. And unseasonably warm and magic one. And I feel you near. With all my love.

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Home and How It Comforts

Little sweetheart, after a delay and a long flight and a crowded subway ride, I’m finally back in our apartment in NYC. I gathered up all the held mail and returned the plants from the sink where our neighbor was periodically attending them to their place near the front windows. I pulled my laptop out of its traveling case and plugged it back in to all peripherals here at my desk. I brought the rest of my luggage into the front room, leaving a few things in the kitchen. I didn’t even unpack. I just undressed and changed into my pj’s, just like you taught me (you’d be in pj’s, hair up, the moment you got home, even if just for an hour) and I lay down exhausted after the overnight flight and fell fast asleep for much of the day here in our bed, your things and pictures around me.

It’s hard to explain or even remember sometimes after being away how enormously comforting it is to be here. Not because it’s home so much as it is OUR home. With you around me. Everywhere my eye falls I see you. Your things are here. You surround and protect me. And I feel your guiding, loving presence.

I need you always, my gorgeous girl. My angel. My soulmate. My True Love. It’s you I was born for. Through oceans and ages of time, I feel, I know, we have always been together. I know you are far nearer than I can imagine. And home, here, at last, I feel you even stronger than I did in your room in California.

Please always be with me. I need you more than ever. With all my love. xM

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Arctic Bomb

Little sweetheart, I was supposed to head back to NYC today but there’s a crazy storm spreading across the East Coast. Every year something like this happens and they come up with some melodramatic name for it. I think they’re calling this an “Arctic Bomb” or something. They started canceling flights already yesterday, so I called to see if mine was too. It wasn’t but they’re letting people re-schedule for no extra charge or change fees.

I was wondering what to do when I went downstairs (I’ve been in your room all morning) and you dad was there, home from the hospital. He said, why not just stay for a few more days. The weather looked terrible in New York and he had the whole weekend off, so we could go to the movies or do other things.

I immediately said yes. I can make more Christmas cookies for 12th Night! Ha! And do more cooking. I had a cake I wanted to make for your mom. I really love cooking for your parents because it reminds me how I would for you.

And I so love to do that - cook dinner and bake treats for you. I remember one time you were here and your friend Jane stopped by. The two of you were going to meet some people for drinks. And I was making you dinner and getting dessert in the oven, so it would ready for you to come home to. She was kind of astonished. She asked if you knew how lucky you were but I knew better - I’m the lucky one.

I’m so grateful for you. So grateful that you found and love me. Find me again, my angel. And take me to you the moment heaven will allow.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

From France...

Little sweetheart, the new album got the most lovely review in France. And so very much of it is about you. The article is in French below but also the English translation sent me by the author, Indiemusic Associate Editor Raphael Duprez.

Raphael Duprez, Associate Editor, Indiemusic (France) - 2 January 2018 (translated):

One year ago, Bipolar Explorer’s record “Dream Together” moved us to tears and sounded like a musical farewell, as well as a last goodbye, but also, an unstoppable wish not to let absence become the most oppressive feeling in (composer/band co-founder, Michael Serafin-Wells’) life. Remembrances matter, as they always do with Bipolar Explorer. And through “Sometimes in Dreams” the project reaches an upper level into emotion and confidence, transfiguring the everlasting link between two inseparable soulmates and creators. In this new work, Summer and Michael chart a course that follows an inspired and enlightening way of composing - illuminating nostalgia as a powerful, precious and human strength  - to offer us so many fascinating and sincere songs, all destined to be unforgettable and essential to our own lives. Have no doubt, this is a major record.
The dearest human beings are the ones we cherish the chance to meet and talk to when we most feel the urge to do so, spend hours writing one another and focusing on every word in reply. Michael suffered, but survived. Bipolar Explorer is a perfect reflection of this humanity; a honest, pure and helpful presence.

A guileless and urgent art of melodies, tunes and vocals thread their way and lead us lovingly through “Sometimes in Dreams”  and, in the depths of the record, Summer, his muse, his eternal love, talks to him and us as she never did before. But Summer never looks or sounds like a ghost: she stands right in front of us, holding her lover’s hand as they both look at us, smiling. She then lays her eyes on him, sings with him, creates and changes into a remarkable source of inspiration for their new double-LP; an eternal piece of work, divided into different chapters but as homogenous as welcoming us to explore BPX’s parallel universes and lands.

Summer is always here, close to Michael and us. Her voice resonates through the first tunes of the record, and will shine more and more as we travel into a wonderful and moving musical world. Never with even a thought to erase her presence, Michael creates an intense but devoted melodic canvas during two hours that are flowing nearly too fast for us, as we all feel comfortable and at peace with what we are listening and enjoying. A complete immersion explodes in our souls: distortion on “Letter to the Darkest Star” and astonishing natural movements on “Ocean” invite us to swim in clear and warm waters. ‘Sometimes in Dreams’ is an album about life, its difficulties but, most of all, all that makes us go forward, whatever may happen : “Phantom Limb” and “Out” stare at the vaporous veils of desire and the constant need to be with our beloved ones, as “Necessary Weight” changes pain into the origin of redemption and the acceptance of our mourning.

On the second part of the record, “Thousand Thousand Summer” is probably the most passionate track; a vocal obsession changing into a cathartic hypnosis, then leading to the overwhelming song “The Choral Text Passage (Summerlove)” which breaks our mental barriers as well as Michael’s when he went through his oppressive loss. “Sometimes in Dreams” is a staging of the union of souls, troubles and inspirations; a hidden book, lost in the multiple bookshelves of an imaginary bookstore, but the only one we can find in a glimpse of an eye, as it is shining and calling us.

The final words of “Lost Life” are the most perfect way to end up talking about “Sometimes in Dreams”; so, time to let Bipolar Explorer express an ultimate motivation to think, feel and live. Summer and Michael’s tenderness, confidence and friendship are spiritually and melodically intense, and we can’t thank them enough for what they give us, year after year.

Perfect ending: “In this moment she appeared to him. In this waking hour he saw and could see. Overcome with emotion he understood at last. She beckoned and he returned to her joyfully, as she said, simply... now!”

Bipolar Explorer’s “Sometimes in Dreams” is available from 1 January 2018 on Slugg Records.

Monday, January 1, 2018

Sometimes in Dreams

The new album, our seventh, a double-album, Sometimes in Dreams, is released today, little sweetheart. As ever, it is of, for and about you. I'm so proud of and grateful to and for you. I will always love you and be ever watchful for your guiding presence.

Below is a little something I wrote for inclusion in the CD's booklet. A liner note dedication. You, my darling, remain the reason for it all. My reason. My conscience. The other half of my soul.

With all my love forever.

This album, conceived as a live art installation work, began as an internal demo for the band and our collaborators. With me in New York, our narrator in California and our visual artists in far flung places, it began as a shared sonic document of how the piece might unfold once we were all in the same room. As circumstances changed, we began to think of it differently. The concept for performance remained the same but the idea of making an entirely new double-album, revisiting and reimagining the songs from "Of Love and Loss", seamlessly interweaving them with the spoken word narrative, began to emerge. We already had an eye toward doing a live album of "Of Love" as performed with the narration but this became something else - an original sonic experience in its own right. Each disc gapless, a continuous flow of music and words like a dreamy late night transmission from some far away radio station that only comes over the air in the wee hours as you lay half asleep in bed. (We must admit we are hugely romantic about radio. Listening in the dark to BBC 3 & 4 or the great WFMU is kind of our idea of bliss.) We still see this album as the blueprint for the live arts work we conceived it for in collaboration with a visual artist. This booklet is meant to allude to and suggest that very thing. But there's also something about slipping on some nice headphones, turning the lights down and the volume up and letting this take you somewhere. We hope you will. As ever this album is for Summer - my partner, my best friend, my soulmate, my true love. God knows, she took me somewhere. She led me here. And I believe with all my heart she will lead me back to her side in The Forever. With all my love...

Michael Serafin-Wells
New York City
January 2018