Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Open Water Ahead

I had a dream this morning, little sweetheart, just before I woke, that your dad and I were on a boat - not the boat he has but another, something more like a motorized raft that was flat and open at the ends so that water could come over and on board. He was driving and we were in open water. I'm not sure who all was on board, maybe everyone, but he was at the wheel and all was so well, even with the water coming on, that I was asleep.

When I woke (on the boat, still in the dream) some of our things - sunglasses, water bottles, my hat, were sliding off the edge. I tried to grab them before they fell out and I caught most of it except my hat which went rushing away behind us.

But your dad told me not to worry, he knew exactly where it was and we would pick it up on our way back. That he knew it would still be there. And we continued on in open water toward the horizon. He knew where we were going and how to return. The sun was setting, so he wanted to reach this spot before we turned around.

I texted your dad this morning and told him all this and he said he wished he could take us back to that spot, thinking, I think, that where the hat was was where you were. But I told him he knew the way. And that I thought he was so determined to carry on because he was going to pick up passengers - you and your brother Jesse on the way.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Chritmas Memories

Little sweetheart, I’m thinking today, remembering our last Christmas. I wanted, as I always did, to get you something nice from our London friend’s jewelry store in Oxford Circus. I had a thought to get you a silver charm bracelet with a couple of inaugural charms but it was taking forever for it to arrive and I wasn’t at all sure it would make to California in time for the holiday.

So, I also, as ever, was keeping lookout to see what might be catching your eye in the days leading up or any kind of clue. You mentioned something about wishing you had a nice angora sweater. It was only something in passing. Maybe you had a bit of a chill or perhaps we saw a girl in one that you fancied. Anyway, I immediately got in touch with your best friend Danya to see if she knew where I could find you one. She pointed me to some retailer, I can’t remember now who, and I got you a pink one in small. I gave it to you on Christmas day and you loved it. Far more than the charm bracelet, actually, when it finally did turn up.

We were also working very intently on the band’s new EP at the time and you had begun to write songs yourself. You had begun asking me what instrument you should get, you wanted to learn to play something but you weren’t interested in guitar or bass. I really liked the idea of you playing a small drum kit, standing up like Mimi from Low. And I also told you about vibes - an idea you liked a lot until we saw how expensive they are and not exactly super portable.

You wound up getting a keyboard. A neat one, a Privia. It had a gig bag case with wheels - you could zip the keyboard up in it, turn it on one end and drag it away. You had that well before Christmas. I think your mom got it for you, and you’d already written two songs on it. You set it up on the kitchen table at your parents house over the holidays it retained place of pride there throughout. You’d sit behind it and play and sing. Sometimes when we were there on our own, I’d plug my practice electric into a little 9 volt amp and we’d play together.

One thing I thought about and really wish I’d done was to get you a microphone for Christmas, too. Maybe you could plug it into an amp or use it with an interface on your MacBook Air or have it when we were in a practice space or here in the studio through the band’s PA. Mostly, it was just for you to have and it to be yours. I think the practicality of it was why I didn’t get it for you - I wasn’t sure how you’d immediately use it. But I regret now not just getting it for you as a gesture. One of the things on your list to your dad was a loop station and he got it for you. Your thought about that - because I’d told you about it - was to use it purely for vocals so you could sing harmonies with yourself. I think we’d have needed a USB mic for that but regardless I wish I’d gotten you the Shure 58.

You sure did look good - and happy! - in that little pink angora sweater, though. With all my love forever….

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Theatre Dreams

I had a dream last night little sweetheart. I was doing a play somewhere. Somewhere familiar from my past, as if I’d been there before. A little bit like DC, I think. The important thing is tho, that it was a play of Tom Stoppard’s and he was there. I think we might’ve been rehearsing and there was a break. I was alone with him in a room, kind of more like a hall. It was quiet and dark as if we’d left the theatre itself and were keeping our voices down and wandering alone with our thoughts when we found ourselves there together. And… I reminded him about you. I spoke your name. I told him how much you loved doing “Rock n Roll”. We hugged and I cried. “She loved you”, I said. And I told him how much I loved and missed you. It was kind of wonderful. It reminded me of your story of him backstage in Boston. Like he was on the other side of a fence or something, came back to talk to you. I love it when you’re in my dreams in any way at all. I brings me near you.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Inside The Sadness

Little sweetheart, I’m trying to push through something and I think I’m hitting upon an idea - one I’ve known in my heart but I need to fully integrate.

It’s that it’s okay, more than okay, to be sad. How could I not be? But that further still, if I can go deeper, sitting in that sadness and taking it all onboard, drilling down and living it in without fear, that I will find something there, find you. Find my way to you and where you are.

The words that came to me and that I spoke aloud just now were this: “inside the sadness is a secret”.

Help me have strength and faith, little sweetheart, to hold my sadness without distraction and get to the place you’ve prepared for me. With faith and love I know you will find me, we will find each other. Help me be as courageous as you, my love. Help me find you. With all my love forever.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

And When I Wake

Little sweetheart, often I fall asleep listening to an online radio station - SOMA-fm - based in our one-time home of San Francisco. They have several stations each dedicated to a genre. I like the Ambient one. It’s called Drone Zone. I’ll put it on in the background on my iPad next to the bed and it will play through the night.

Sometimes something will awaken me and I’ll be so taken with it that I’ll make a note of who it is and then look them up in the morning. That’s how I found Bass Communion’s Ghosts on Magnetic Tape and Chris Russell’s Adoration.

This morning when I awoke something lovely was playing. I looked over and it said This Summer Night. 

May you always be near me, little sweetheart. Please guide me through the day and soon back to your side forever. All my love…

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Great Soul

Little sweetheart, I’m having difficulties. But you are the blessing of my life, even in my distraction and despair.

On Sunday, as I told you, I went up to that little church at West End and W77th St. The sermon was very interesting because one of the things he talked about was the scholarly origin of the Seven Deadly Sins. That it wasn’t set out as a fire and brimstone tract to excoriate us, even though it became appropriated and synonymous with that. It was really an attempt to identify what gets in our way habitually and how to free ourselves of what’s preventing us from being whole. He cited the word “pusillanimous”.  A rather rare word to most people although as a couple of old theatre types like yourself and I, I think we’d recall its centrality to a speech in John Osborne’s “Look Back in Anger”.

What I didn’t know and what Osborne fails to share is that the Latin origin of the word is really something quite different from the modern, albeit rare, usage. It literally means “smallness of spirit”. The diminishing of our soul. And when we let things habitually sap this spirit that is not only inside but is the very essence of who and what we are - our very soul - we shrink and become lesser, less than what and who we truly are.

Little sweetheart, that happens to me. I get wrapped up in bad things, soul diminishing habits that keep me from hearing and heeding and following you and it makes me ache with longing and regret. Over and over I seem to keep banging up against the same pusillanimous walls. At least I ultimately recognize them and straighten myself out, get back on track, but how I wish I would just break the spell.

The thing I want to say that fills me with both regret and ultimately gratitude, is that you keep coming to me even as I fail. Last night you came to me in a dream that I can’t, sadly, so very sadly, recall nearly as well as I would like and need to. But the thing I do remember was that you were frustrated with me because you were trying to tell me something but I was distracted. Like checking emails or looking to see if I had a message or something. That fills me with regret. It’s enough to make me despair at my stupidity - that you would come to me in dreams but I would be too distracted (With what?! What could be more important than you?!) to heed or give you full attention.

But the hopeful part is that you were there. You did come for me. And though the day which also was filled with stupid distraction and no one’s fault but my own, that you kept on finding me. You were there at eleven eleven. And in birdsong and butterflies on my run. And my eye fell upon your picture at a crucial time and your words at another.

You don’t give up on me even when I’m not at my best. The very way you’d never give up on me in life. Indeed, in the moments I most needed you - even the ones against my stupid will - you never walked away or ever threatened to. You made your presence even more and greater known.

You are the exact opposite of pusillanimous because you are the greatest, fiercest, stoutest, most courageous spirit of all. You are The Great Soul.

Little sweetheart, I am so so sorry for all my mistakes. And eternally (literally) grateful for you and your resolutely never giving up on me. Thank you, my love. My I heed and follow and be worthy of you. This is my prayer. And I love you forever. 

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Find Ways

Little sweetheart, I found myself hearing something that I think you meant for me. It was this: “find ways to be kind”.

You are the example and embodiment of kindness, my little sweetheart. So filled with empathy and love and acting always to bring others to a place of safety and assurance. You found and saved me, after all. And even if I’m very nearly completely broken again in your absence, it is in these moments when I remember your great goodness or quiet myself enough to hear you that I can feel again your healing power. And when I act accordingly, when I do find ways to be kind to others, I sense your presence. May I always do so, my love, until we are reunited in The Forever.

Today, as I walked up to that little church I told you about, I resolved to write that very thing down as my offered prayer request. I always write and pray for you and for your guidance and my delivery home to you in The Beautiful New Place.

Today I added this:  “let me know that when I hear whispered words like these: “find ways to be kind” - that it is her (your) voice encouraging and guiding me. And that we will be together again and forever in just the blink of an eye.”

I needed to have that said aloud, little sweetheart, because I needed to testify. I needed to testify to your great goodness and commit myself to honoring and following you. You are my North Star. You are my conscience. You are my True One. Love you forever.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

God Bless

Little sweetheart, I got the sad news tonight from your mom that Bogie, one of their sweet little kitties, passed away last night after getting run over by a car in front of the house. Bogie and his buddy Ilsa are two kittens your mom got a few years ago after Lucky passed away and Luke disappeared. They were very different - Bogie quite friendly, Ilsa a bit more skittish - but loved playing together.

I think Bogie was maybe my favorite cat ever. The first time I met him, when I had come out to California super-secret awaiting your Dad's surprise birthday party, as I drove up in the rental car, Bogie came walking right up to meet me. He'd often follow me around. Your mom usually has me stay in your room when I visit (which I love and honor) and Bogie would jump right up on the bed when I was in there. Often, if the door was closed, I'd find him right outside waiting for me. Or if I wasn't sure where he was, I'd look under the bed, because he liked to sneak in and hide there, so he could surprise me. After my morning run, I'd take Gidget for a walk in the orchard and Bogie would follow along too. And at night when your mom and dad and I would watch a story from the couch, Bogie would jump right up into my lap. Sometimes he'd jump up right behind my head and crawl down over my shoulder. After I came home to New York in January, your dad texted me to say that Bogie had been sitting all night in my spot on the couch waiting for me to pet him. He was an awfully good little fella, sweetheart.

I always miss you but I often feel it even more keenly when I'm in California and with your folks. It seemed like Bogie was very attune to that and keeping me company. Remember how I told you a few days ago that I found a sweet little bird that'd passed away on the sidewalk and that I carried him to a flowerbed and found myself saying "God bless your soul?" I'm thinking that about that again, that we are all God's creatures and that in the same way I think you sometimes help me by getting my attention with birdsong or maybe even little Bogie.

I suspect you and he may already have gotten to know each other.  Can't wait to be with you both. With all my love forever.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

The Return

It's September, little sweetheart. Yesterday was Labor Day. It's already cooling off and feeling like autumn. And I have this feeling - don't we often? - that this time of year brings into focus all we need to accomplish, all our goals, and a resolution to work diligently toward achieving them. A kind of "back-to-school" vibe, right?

Let me take up that banner, little sweetheart, as I strive to honor and listen for you. Let me keep working and writing and recording and doing all the things I know to keep the flame alive and to be a better person, the kind of person you were helping and still are helping me to become. And may I dig deep in faith to know that I will be with you again and forever in just the blink of an eye.

You are my reason, my conscience, my soul's mate, my everything. God bless you and keep you, my love. Please come for me soon. With all my love.