Saturday, January 30, 2016

Always Be With Me...

You are the great gift of my life, little sweetheart. Thank god for you. Nothing in the whole world is better than being with you. How I long to be! And sometimes I can feel you near somehow. Today has been like that, my darling girl. I was having a strange dream this morning. It was making me terribly sad. In it, i was afraid you didn't want me anymore. I woke up and talked to you, as I often do, before I fell asleep again and dreamt I was at dinner somewhere, your parents were there, too. There was an extra half of a sandwich left and I was going to eat it but I remembered that you like to save half of anything and take it home for later, so I saved it for you. Since then, all day I've had the feeling that you are with me and near. It's hard to explain but it's a sensory thing. Coming in and out the house today, walking around the neighborhood running errands, going into the kitchen, pausing at the apartment door as I turn the key, a faint scent in the air or some familiar sensation along my skin, a sudden unformed but somehow recurrent thought like memory will sweep over me and I can almost touch our life. I know you're with me today. The Only Thing That Matters. And I love you. Always be with me, my little sweetheart. Don't go too far away. PS: also, sweetheart, somebody's been baking a cake this morning. I could smell what seemed like chocolate cake baking earlier and now I swear I can smell the frosting. And that's just like you! You always smell so good, my little Gingersnap. I often tell people that's what you smell like - the best birthday cake anyone ever made! I love you!!

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

More about that...

I'm thinking more today, my little sweetheart, of your last trip here - what I wrote about yesterday a little. Thank god you came. Thank god for you always. It was the only time you came with Danya in tow. The two of you rented a little apartment in the East Village for the week. It seems those were pre Air B n B days but it was something like that. I was a bit sad that you didn't come straight here. And I usually met you at JFK but I was doing a play and couldn't get out there to be there when your plane landed. But you had it all planned, didn't you? I went bed after the show rather sad that you were in NYC but I hadn't even seen you yet. I was asleep at about three in the morning when I heard a key turn in the door. I got up and went out into the kitchen and there you were, my angel, covered in snow all bundled up. "May I join you," you asked with a smile that could knock a man down. Yes, my sweetheart. Always. Forever...

Sunday, January 24, 2016

At Day's End

We had an enormous snowfall yesterday, little sweetheart. A very dramatic winter storm moved across the east coast and blanketed us in heavy winds and over two feet of snow. It made me think of your last visit here when we were hit by just such a blizzard.

It was almost exactly this time five years ago, my sweetheart. I remember you had decided - quite on a whim -  to come, having met up with your friend Danya on New Year's Eve, your trusty AirBook in tow. "I have to go to New York and I want to book something tonight", she told me later you had said. And a day or two after, when you surprised your dad with the news and he wondered why you were so suddenly off, you had simply said "I have to get out of this weather" - leaving slightly wet but mid-50 degree NorCal temperatures for a foot and half of freshly fallen snow here upon arrival.

I couldn't know it would be our last time together here in this apartment. Of course, I was with you again less than a month later, back in California. But then came the tragic events that have still left me utterly shattered and, as your mother often says, "here we are".

You've been in my thoughts so much today, my darling. The day began much as the night before ended - with my working on the Taize songs for the band's new record, Electric Hymnal. You are present in every note and measure - its inspiration and very reason. But the day has grown more and more sad. The work was good but I'm feeling so very alone and missing you achingly.

Sometimes, my little sweetheart, it's perhaps just best to take to bed early, maybe with the radio on low in the background, and try to get a good night's sleep. Or the best I can manage without you wrapped reassuringly around me, your hand in mine, your head on my shoulder, you little feet curled around my ankles, keeping me close. How I long for you!

Maybe the best I can do in times like these is just to lay me down and dream of you. Lay me down here on our bed, your side, as ever, not turned down, your nightclothes upon your pillow, my fingers holding a corner worshipfully and hopeful. And with faith that you will come to me in sleep and take me to and with you forever, the very second that that is allowed.

Until that day, my love. Until that day! I bring this sad one to an end. With hope, with love, with faith. Tomorrow, may I be better. And soon, may I be with you again in The Forever.

With all my love... xM

Tuesday, January 19, 2016


Today is January 19th, my little sweetheart. Over the course of six days in January are two rather bitter anniversaries for me.

On January 13th, 1991 (when I was just kid, I now know), my father passed away suddenly of a heart attack. His wife found him on the sofa. He'd come downstairs early that morning, made coffee and died watching the news without her being there to wake and help him.

And on January 19th, 2007, my friend and theatre mentor, Curt Dempster, passed away. He, too, was found - by the superintendent of his apartment building. It was a secret (not a very well-kept one) for sometime, but I think it's allowable now to say that, sadly, he took his own life.

The loss of these two men - one, something of a father figure and the other, my actual father (who I feel I never really got to know as a man) - are something that I carried with me and that you deeply understood when I first met you.

You did your best to heal me, my little sweetheart. Your extraordinary kindness and hyper-vigilant love wrapped me in a blanket of protection. You, my darling girl, are the very reason for which I was born. I know that. I think I knew that very early in our acquaintance, even before I had fallen so deeply in love with you. Something in you resonated deep inside my being, bypassing my brain and shaking me to my core. My soul recognized you. I think that's why I wept every time we parted, even if only for a fortnight, even if knowing I would soon be with you, even if we'd already booked the next flight, made plans for the next adventure.

There is simply no one like you, my little sweetheart. How could there be?! That is as it should be. You, my gorgeous girl, my True One, my beautiful spirit, are the other half of my soul. How I long to fly to you! And I remember, on these cold and bitter January days, just how close our paths were beginning to draw near one and another. How God was bringing them to cross and converge. You understood loss and love more than anyone I have ever known. And what's more, you had more natural empathy, too.

Your love saved me, my little sweetheart. I knew it from the first. And I, like my father and my friend, will cross into The Forever, too. Soon, I hope, my love. And I will again know your kindness. I will know your touch. I will know our love, which can never perish. And I - we - will be one again.

As you told me, as you comforted me in my dreams with the message that I now wear so proudly tattooed upon my inside forearm to remind me always - Our Oneness Can Never Be Erased.

I love you, Summer. With all my heart and soul I do. Until that Day! Until that day!

With love & faith,


Sunday, January 10, 2016

Companion Piece

Little sweetheart, this morning I went back to that nice girl at Saved in Brooklyn and got a second tattoo. This one is on my right arm, again, in your handwriting. It's taken from your beautiful Christmas message to me. It's the benediction, which reads: I love you. Your Gingersnap, Summer . Here's a picture, just an hour or so old. Love you forever.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Angels - Best of...

Little sweetheart, our record, Angels, has been named to Ground Control Magazine's Critics Poll of Best Albums of Year, topping Publisher and Contributing Editor Daryl Darko Barnett's Top Ten in the number one slot. There is a wonderful mention of you in the excerpt below and the entire feature can read at the link following that. All for you, gorgeous girl. My angel. My love.

"01.) Bipolar Explorer – Angels – (Slugg Records): The New York City minimalist indie rock band continues to capture my attention with their ongoing stream of super-consciousness musical tributes to their fallen band member, Summer Serafin. Angels feels and sounds like a visitation of angels has descended upon, and electrified these men as they express their emotions of memory and loss. This is what music fueled by raw love and emotions sounds like. The single, “Angels,” is definitely my very favorite song of the entire year! Bipolar Explorer remain my number one small label indie band to keep an eye on for future greatness..."