Tuesday, October 31, 2017


Today is Halloween, little sweetheart. I think this might be your favorite holiday, no? Although, now that I think of it, I don’t think we ever spent Halloween together. Can that be right?

I remember one we were together around Halloween. We stopped by Danya’s house, her parents house, on the way to Davis. I remember it was at least around Halloween if not the day itself because they had Halloween candy. We were in the kitchen with her. She asked if we wanted some and before we could even reply said “of course you do.” It was night. I can’t even remember why we dropped in. It must’ve been early on because it was the first time I actually, finally met Danya after you had talked about her to me and me to her for some time.

I think it was the second Halloween after we met.

Because the first Halloween I think you would’ve been in Boston getting ready to do Rock n Roll at The Huntington. I was headed there next, right after Election Night, to be with you over the week of your birthday on November 13.

On Halloween, I was on my way back to New York after a week in LA where a little theater company had been doing two of my plays. We talked everyday as you were a bit bemused that I was in California but not with you (although I had just been - I’d come to see R&R at The Geary, several times, and we’d been together) and you were trying to figure out what to send ahead to Boston and what to bring on the plane with you.

I remember flying out of Burbank and that it was Halloween because all of the Jet Blue crew and staff were in costume. Everyone was in great spirits not only for the holiday but I think because we could feel already that Obama was going to win and that things would get better.

They already had - you had found me.

It’s Halloween and I’m think of you, little sweetheart. I’ve been mixing the new album all day. Tomorrow is All Saints Day and the next day All Soul’s. I’ve much to say about that, too. Many prayers and thoughts and all my love. So, more on that tomorrow.

And tonight? May you find me in dreams and take me to you the moment heaven will allow. With all my love forever.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

The Rains

Little sweetheart, we had incredibly hard rain today all day and into the night. For much of the spring there was a leak in the ceiling in the bedroom…right over your spot in bed! I moved the entire bed and all of your stuff, of course, into an entirely new position for months. The roofer couldn’t get it right, so I didn’t want to take any chances. They finally changed roofers and it got sorted but I waited through several rains until I was sure before I moved everything back.

Today though, it started leaking in an entirely different place in the front room - where all the guitars and amps and computer and everything is. And lots of your pictures. I got so upset and worried. I moved things and I even went up on the roof in the rain to try to see if there was anything I could do.

On top of all that, I was very disappointed about something today. Something I was looking forward to and had been promised but didn’t happen. I got very upset - anxious and worried and angry and resentful. And then I started to cry.

But that was a good thing. I started to cry as I looked at a pretty picture of you, little sweetheart. And I started to talk to myself, say things that I know you would tell me. I told myself just to be grateful for you - for my sweetheart. And for your mom and dad. And for faith that reassures me that I will be with you again and forever. And to just concentrate on the important things - being a good person, doing my work, our work, and finding ways to be kind.

I said all this out loud as my tears began to subside and I got up to move another picture of yours to safety. And after I sat it down on a music stand safe and sound, I went over to where my phone was charging and there was an email from the person who had disappointed me. A lovely message apologizing for forgetting to do the thing they promised and vowing to make it up. I heard you tell me “see?”

Yes, I do, little sweetheart. Whenever I get upset I need to quiet myself and just listen for you. You always make everything better. Thank you, my true love.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Five Years Ago Today

Five years ago today, little sweetheart, we released the double-album Of Love and Loss. It was the first of these records that I will go on making, of, for and about you.

On this day that it came out, the band assembled downtown at a little club (that sadly, is no more) called Zirzamin and played the entire album in its sequence and entirety twice. Once at 7pm and again at 9pm. I felt your presence throughout, little sweetheart.

And afterwards, we drove back here to the studio, through the heart of the city, with the top down on an unseasonably warm night, the Friday before Halloween, lots of people in costume already. We loaded the gear back up the stairs here to the studio, then got sandwiches and drinks and watched A Hard Day’s Night together.

After it finished, we were still buzzing from the amazing night and we went up on the roof in the pre-dawn hours, looked skyward and I spoke to you.

Today, all day, I’ve been working on the new album, Sometimes in Dreams, that revisits and adds new music, narrative and context to the songs from that first album. You’re in my heart, as always, and your enchanting vocals fill the air here in the studio. I feel close to you and I am grateful. Grateful to and for you - the love and reason of my life. I will always always be yours. With all my love forever.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

A Vision

Little sweetheart, quite a while ago, really just shortly after your tragic passing, a friend of ours told me a story. She’d been out to Montauk with some friends and was driving back along the ocean after a long weekend. It was early in the morning and she hadn’t really been to bed, hadn’t been to sleep. So, she qualified all of what I’m about to tell you with that. Not that it’s so unbelievable but that perhaps, like a shaman, one needs to be in something of a slightly altered state to see things that are really there but we miss somehow in our mortal, mundane, unopened eyes.

She told me all this, as I say, quite a while ago. And I wasn’t quite sure if I’d remembered it all correctly, so I wrote to her and asked. Even my asking was a while ago. Almost a year ago. But something made me think of it again today because even though I’m still at work on the new album, I already have an idea for the next one (!) and it relates to this story, this vision. I dug through my emails and couldn’t find it, so I looked through my texts and then found it there. I wrote her last year on your birthday (which is coming up again, of course, next month) - that’s how long ago it was! Anyway, here’s what she said:

“Yes that's right. Thanks for the email too. Yes it was the clouds at dawn, I saw faces of bearded wise men in back, then marching soldiers in front of them, and in front of them young women running towards the rising sun in the east as though they were going to splay themselves on the ocean just as the sun would hit it. I spotted summer first then the whole scene unfolded backwards as we kept driving. They were slightly pink from the dawn and summer was in the front, happy, beaming, beautiful. I thought, of course that's what spirits would do! Take the form of clouds and greet the rising sun at the ocean. And something summer would jump at. Literally. And it was summertime. She looked so happy and free. Happy Birthday Summer.”

Yes, little sweetheart, Happy Almost Birthday. And this story, this vision, is coming strongly to mind. I will write more. And I pray and hope most fervently that it will help bring me to and find you. With all my love forever.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

In Our Hearts

Little sweetheart, tonight I went up to that little church I’ve told you about. On Wednesday nights they have that candlelight meditation service. There’s music and spoken word and a long silence at its center and the sanctuary is lit almost solely by candles. It was lovely tonight to sit quietly and to sing the little chants and say our prayer, my prayer for you and for guidance and to be delivered back to your side forever.

Near the end tonight was a little responsive prayer - one voice takes part of it and then everyone joins in in unison at others. One of unison phrases was so resonant to me, I circled it in the bulletin and brought it home, so I could write to you about it now. This is it, first the call and then the response:

Call: God of our mixed-up, tragic, aspiring, doubting and insurgent lives…
Response: Help us to be as good as in our hearts we have always wanted to be.

This is so perfect for me, my darling.

I’m almost always glad I take the long walk up there and back on Wednesday nights and have that quiet hour to calm me and think and pray for you and guidance and to return to your side. I still make so many mistakes, have so many false starts, fall prey to far too many distractions. But it is you who always redeem me. May I be worthy of you, my darling.

Please please help me to be as good as in my heart you have seen and can make me, because it’s what more than anything - to honor and be the person you believed and were (and still are!) making me grow and become. With a grateful spirit and all my love forever. 

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

5:24 am

Little sweetheart, I love it when things happen unexpectedly and bring me such a strong sense and memory and awareness of you. Often, it’s a sensory thing - I’ll inexplicably find your scent in the air as I turn a corner even though no one is walking by. Or, feeling sad or angry or confused, a little bird will began to sing or a butterfly flutter before me and I know you’re doing your best to reach and calm me.

This morning, very early this morning, while it was still dark and well before I was ready to get up, I stirred. I kinda had to pee, to be honest! But it reminded me, delightfully, of how you would often get up in the middle of the night to do so. You’d stir and crawl over me on your way out of bed and sometimes, often, I’d capture you in my arms and kiss you before letting you go and whispering “don’t go too far away” or “come right back”.

This morning before dawn, I got up like that, but first, as I often do, went to the red table shrine and made sure your candle was lit. After lighting a fresh tea light there and placing it back before your picture (one of the hundreds), I stopped in the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water.

I almost never do that in the middle of the night but it’s something that you would do and I could feel you telling me to. As I stood there, just as I’ve watched you do so many times, I slowly drank the water and felt so very close to you. In that quiet hour, doing as you do, as you would have me do. I could feel myself calm and grounded and near you. And when I returned to bed and curled up next to your place there, I spoke quietly to you and slept well, feeling you near.

Thank you, my angel. Please come collect me as soon as heaven will allow. I hope it’s soon. With all my love forever.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

You & Me (new dream song)

Little sweetheart, last night into this morning I had a dream. And although I can’t fully or well remember it, there was a song and I as my eye fluttered awake, I quickly grabbed my phone from the side of the bed and sang all I could into it. The melody and some of the words stayed with me long enough to get them down, its refrain the words “you and me”.

My darling darling sweetheart, I know that it is you visiting in dreams that brings me this music. I’ve lost a few in the last month or so, not waking quickly enough to recognize the phenomenon. Usually it’s a song on there radio in a dream or one that we hear other’s singing and I don’t always wake fast enough to realize that it’s not a known song but something that you and I are writing in the dream right that moment!

I’m so very grateful that this one came through and I got some of it into a recording. I’m in the middle of mixing the new album right now, so I’m not exactly in composing mode but I already have an idea for the album after this and I think that’s why you sent this to me.

Help me to listen diligently, my angel. Help me to hear and heed you. And most of all, oh my love, how very grateful I am that you keep me near you. Thank you, little sweetheart.

And I so often said, even if you were only going into the next room for a glass of water or just shifting your weight slightly next to me on the bed - don’t go too far away. Please, my darling, don’t go too far away. With all my love forever.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Calistoga and the fires

Little sweetheart, there are terrible wildfires spreading all through California and today I got an alert on my phone that the beautiful little village, Calistoga, where I took you for your 31st birthday was evacuated.

Known for its hot springs, we drove there from SF the morning of the 13th and checked-in to a nice little hotel before trying out a few of the pools, like Goldilocks - this one too hot, this one just right. You had your enormous black sunhat perched on your head as we took a dip in outdoor one there and you wrapped yourself around me as I carried you across its length, the water coming up to my chin. Later, we went out to dinner at the lovely Calistoga Inn which had a restaurant and brewery (the latter, admitted, I sampled because you'd told me it was alright as long as I was with you, I should only drink when I was happy and how true - I could only ever be happy at your side). Passing through the lobby and peaking upstairs at the cozy furnishings and quaint decor we made a note to stay there the next time. And we took a walk through the sweet little main street. The next morning we'd booked you a massage - a whole hour and a half! - and I waited at a charming little coffee place writing in my notebook.

I so hope everyone in Calistoga is okay, my darling. And I pray that the sweet little village itself that holds such lovely memories of my time with you, our times together, is spared and remains as it was.

Saturday, October 7, 2017


Little sweetheart, one of the most comforting things in my sadness is to have all the many wonderful pictures of you here all around me, covering nearly every space of wall and desk and mantel. It’s such a comfort to have my eye fall upon you wherever I might turn my gaze. And sometimes, often magically, a light will fall upon one of them, upon you, when the sun finds its way through the blinds or through some sliver in the clouds.

The other day came just such a moment.

High up almost directly at eye level to the right when I sit here at my desk are several photos of you perched atop the tower of sound equipment. Among those are the mini-poster collage of photos of you from the Of Love and Loss album, the back cover photo from BPXmas of you in your winter coat and hat on the roof, a photo of you leaning against the fridge in the kitchen and a note to myself (something you said to guide me) taped it the bottom of its frame, a lovely full face picture of you with your pretty red hair down and framing your face again with a note taped to the bottom (“It is she Love has destined for you!”) that I saw once walking home past Lincoln Center when the opera was being broadcast outside with subtitles and in the middle a lovely picture of you I took while we rode a London bus together.

Late yesterday afternoon as the sun began to move from east to west over the building, the light pinpointed its way through the blinds illuminating this photo from behind and casting the most incredible light framing your face through the picture.

It was, as I say, a back light, but it raised your features and your eyes making you glow. This magic light hit nothing else - only you and from behind and perfectly making you the sole focus of the room.

In moments like these I know there are so many things beyond my mortal comprehension and I know you are doing your best to let me know you are near me, far nearer than I can imagine. Thank you, my angel. May I do in all things my best to honor and hear you. I love you with all my heart and soul and pray so very fervently to be what you want and desire of me. Please take me to you the moment that heaven will allow. Oh, my bright, wonderful angel!

Thursday, October 5, 2017

First Taize Back

Little sweetheart, last night was the first night of the new season of “Taize” - that candlelight meditation service that’s held on Wednesday nights at that little church on the Upper West Side I told you about. It’s what gave me the idea for our album, Electric Hymnal, remember? They take off from the end of June until the beginning of October, so last night was when it resumed.

I sat in the spot I like, a little corner aisle seat, and read through the bulletin which details the order of the service, which chants are sung, the prayers and poetry and readings and reflection. I was asked to read one myself - the responsive prayer near the end of the service. And it was good to hear and sing the familiar chants. I usually do harmonies, ones called to mind over time, some of which made their way onto the album itself when we did it.

At the center, of course, is the long silent mediation and the opportunity to come forward, little a candle and say a personal prayer. I always light a candle and say ours, little sweetheart, praying for your safe-keeping in The Forever and my fervent wish to join you as soon as heaven will allow. At that part of the service, the sanctuary, already only dimly lit, is illuminated only by candles - those on and around the alter and the little votives that we come forward to light for our prayers, for our beloveds, for you.

It’s an important part of my week - quietly praying and chanting and sending my thoughts to you. I’m so glad its resumed. I feel very close to you and that is always my desire. It’s what guides me.

Please be with me today, won’t you, my angel? And take me to you just as soon as that may be. With all my love forever.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017


It’s a new month, little sweetheart, and always a good time to look forward to making good.

I feel as if I’ve lost a bit of steam and focus in these last weeks. I think was feeling a little overwhelmed and it made me step away from my resolve. Please help me to hang in there and just take one day at a time, my angel. I know if I just keep building every day, even a little, I’ll be moving in the right direction and cumulatively. I know there’s something true sometimes in stepping away from a large endeavor - it has to come forward in its own time and we need to breathe and have patience. But tarrying too long we can become disconnected, lose the thread.

Please help me to know the difference, my darling. And to not be afraid. Help me to be as courageous as you always are, Great Soul. May I listen for and heed you in all things. With all my love forever. 

Monday, October 2, 2017


Little sweetheart, I saw this poem yesterday and it made me so grateful. It's a new month (more about that later) and a new week and I want to redouble my efforts to quiet myself and listen for you, to find you and be with you soon in the Forever and to spend the intervening time being kind and mindful and writing for you, of you, about you. I love you with all my heart and soul. Here's the poem that so moved me: 

Last night I slept, and when I woke her kiss
Still floated on my lips. For we had strayed
Together in my dream, through some dim glade,
Where the shy moonbeams scarce dared light our bliss.
The air was dank with dew, between the trees,
The hidden glow-worms kindled and were spent.
Cheek pressed to cheek, the cool, the hot night-breeze
Mingled our hair, our breath, and came and went,
As sporting with our passion. Low and deep
Spake in mine ear her voice: “And didst thou dream,
This could be buried? This could be sleep?
And love be thrall to death! Nay, whatso seem,
Have faith, dear heart; this is the thing that is!”
Thereon I woke, and on my lips her kiss.”
Emma Lazarus, Assurance