Little sweetheart, it's been a funny month. I've felt so fragile - ill for parts of it and anxious about things during other days.
These weeks and those few ahead are always so loaded for me because of the bitter anniversaries they bring around the terrible tragedy of your passing. Our last days, which I couldn't possibly have known for being such at the time but feel somehow in retrospect full of ominous signs. I remember even resisting saying "the last day" the very first time I began to utter it, still in the hospital praying for your recovery. And as March approaches I feel all this so keenly yet again.
Help me to keep focused on the things you have planned for me, little sweetheart. Please help me honor and listen for you. Please help me hold your memory and sense your guiding presence because I know you will lead me, as you always have from the moment you found me, the way I'm meant to be going - our way. Together.
Reach for me, my darling girl. I will follow.
With all my love... xM
Monday, February 26, 2018
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
74f
Little sweetheart, it's incredibly, unseasonably warm today. It's late February and it's in the 70's! 78 here in the city was the high today. Right now it's still 74f. A few days ago we had snow. A few from now it's going to be in the 30's.
But today, it's like June. And I did something that made me think of you and make me wish we had done it together. I went out to Coney Island.
Everything's closed out there because, well, because it's the middle of the winter. The amusement park and all the stalls and little shops on the boardwalk are closed. And so are the beaches or at least the waters - you're not supposed to go swimming and there are no lifeguards present. But it was sunny and warm and more than a few people were out. I strolled along the boardwalk and then remembered how you would tell me to make sure I had sunscreen on, so I sat on a bench and applied a bit and then put my hat back on and just watched people walking by for quite a while.
Later, I went down to the water and walked along the shore on the sand and eventually up and out the end of one of the piers. I tried to think of the last time I was out there and I think it must've been 20 years ago. You were probably still in high school!
I really wish we could have a day like this together, little sweetheart. Maybe take a little lunch with us and have a picnic. I remember you telling me that you had a hamper for just such an outing.
I don't know what time is, my darling, my gorgeous girl, but I suspect that you know much more about it and how it works. I hope and pray that it is so much more elastic and accessible once we're on the other side. Once I'm returned to you. Maybe then we can do all kinds of things. All the things we talked about and planned and even more.
I pray for that every day - to be returned to you, my little sweetheart, And to have all the time in the world so we never have to worry again. We'll always be together. Always. How I long for that day. With all my love forever... xM
But today, it's like June. And I did something that made me think of you and make me wish we had done it together. I went out to Coney Island.
Everything's closed out there because, well, because it's the middle of the winter. The amusement park and all the stalls and little shops on the boardwalk are closed. And so are the beaches or at least the waters - you're not supposed to go swimming and there are no lifeguards present. But it was sunny and warm and more than a few people were out. I strolled along the boardwalk and then remembered how you would tell me to make sure I had sunscreen on, so I sat on a bench and applied a bit and then put my hat back on and just watched people walking by for quite a while.
Later, I went down to the water and walked along the shore on the sand and eventually up and out the end of one of the piers. I tried to think of the last time I was out there and I think it must've been 20 years ago. You were probably still in high school!
I really wish we could have a day like this together, little sweetheart. Maybe take a little lunch with us and have a picnic. I remember you telling me that you had a hamper for just such an outing.
I don't know what time is, my darling, my gorgeous girl, but I suspect that you know much more about it and how it works. I hope and pray that it is so much more elastic and accessible once we're on the other side. Once I'm returned to you. Maybe then we can do all kinds of things. All the things we talked about and planned and even more.
I pray for that every day - to be returned to you, my little sweetheart, And to have all the time in the world so we never have to worry again. We'll always be together. Always. How I long for that day. With all my love forever... xM
Friday, February 16, 2018
Fever Dreams
Little sweetheart, I'm sick again! Gah! Not as bad as a week or so ago when I could barely stand to lay down because my stomach hurt so bad, but just a really severe cold. The kind where I actually lose my voice. That almost never happens.
But the reason I'm telling you isn't to complain or commiserate. It's because I've been able to do almost nothing but sleep (which is good) and I've had the most deep kind of sleeping and dreams. The kind of sleep I used to have with you by my side.
I think that's something we both enjoyed, kind of cured in each other. I was always so proud to hear you tell me that you never slept better than when we were side by side wrapped around each other. That often you had great difficulty sleeping but not when we were together.
What I'm thinking of in these last days is how exhausted and soundly I have been out. Like for the entire day and again all night. It reminds me of how you and I would fall asleep in your bed with the windows open and the curtains billowing in the light warm breeze, wrapped around each other and just passed out! Gone. Only to wake finally, groggily, deliciously together. Looking at each other through blurry eyes to say "wow... we were really out!" I love that.
And I can't think of that feeling without thinking of you and the joy, the light and love you brought into my life.
Even sick like this, it's a gift because this kind f sleep - I'm not sure I've had since I was with you last - reminds me of the gift that you. How much I love and long for you.
And sleep is also where I always so often hope to find you. Find me, won''t you my darling? And take me to you again this time forever.
With all my love... xM
But the reason I'm telling you isn't to complain or commiserate. It's because I've been able to do almost nothing but sleep (which is good) and I've had the most deep kind of sleeping and dreams. The kind of sleep I used to have with you by my side.
I think that's something we both enjoyed, kind of cured in each other. I was always so proud to hear you tell me that you never slept better than when we were side by side wrapped around each other. That often you had great difficulty sleeping but not when we were together.
What I'm thinking of in these last days is how exhausted and soundly I have been out. Like for the entire day and again all night. It reminds me of how you and I would fall asleep in your bed with the windows open and the curtains billowing in the light warm breeze, wrapped around each other and just passed out! Gone. Only to wake finally, groggily, deliciously together. Looking at each other through blurry eyes to say "wow... we were really out!" I love that.
And I can't think of that feeling without thinking of you and the joy, the light and love you brought into my life.
Even sick like this, it's a gift because this kind f sleep - I'm not sure I've had since I was with you last - reminds me of the gift that you. How much I love and long for you.
And sleep is also where I always so often hope to find you. Find me, won''t you my darling? And take me to you again this time forever.
With all my love... xM
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
Little sweetheart, today we release our cover of Best Coast's "Better Girl". As ever, it is entirely for you - on this, Valentines Day. Here's what I wrote to announce the release on iTunes, Bandcamp, et al...
February 14, 2018
(Valentines Day)
Just six weeks ago, we released our seventh album, a 28-track double-album - SOMETIMES IN DREAMS. But, unable to restrain ourselves, today we release a new single on its very heels.
Released on Valentines Day, it’s a cover of Best Coast’s “Better Girl” and available via all the usual suspects/platforms - Apple Music/iTunes, Amazon, Bandcamp, CD Baby, Spotify, Deezer, et al.
Immeasurably indebted and unbelievable flattered to (occasionally) being likened to bands like Low, Slowdive, and The Velvet Underground, who we revere, we’d like to say something about Bethany Consentino and her group - we love them.
Long story short as possible - when we were wrapping up work on OF LOVE AND LOSS, still very much shattered by grief, our art director gave us a mix tape, something put together by the great Since ’78. Entitled “Adios Los Angeles”, it was all around the theme of leaving, of all that’s lost and all we might hope to one day once again find.
The final track was Best Coast’s “Up All Night”, the kind of pop song so filled with the ache of longing and distance that I nearly fell apart listening the first time. And again. And again. I’d never heard the band before, so I got myself the album “Up All Night” came from (and, indeed, closes) - “The Only Place”.
As our band has moved deeper and deeper into post-rock terrain, it may seem a bit of an anomaly to hear how felled I was by Ms. Consentino and her sunny, bittersweet anthems - long-suffering friends are far more likely to hear me enthusing or indeed insisting on one more spin of “Metal Machine Music” at full volume - but felled I was.
“The Only Place” was in heavy rotation here at The Shrine for the better part of the winter I first acquired it and this mid-album track with its refrain - “you gotta keep me away from what they say about me” and its soaring repeated ending chorus “I wanna be a better girl, a better girl, a better girl” stuck in my throat and heart and chest.
This album, this song, came to me at the darkest of times, opening the wound of loss and longing even yet a bit deeper all in the service of helping me remember and keep moving, however hurting.
Our shoegazey version of this song, released today, on Valentines Day, is meant as a tribute both in thanks to its author and to our fallen bandmate herself, my love and partner. my soulmate, true love and best friend, Summer.
If Ms. Consentino herself comes across this, I hope she doesn’t roll her eyes too much. Because, in the immortal words of John Lydon, “we mean it, man.”
With love and faith…
Michael Serafin-Wells
Bipolar Explorer
New York City
February 14, 2018
(Valentines Day)
Just six weeks ago, we released our seventh album, a 28-track double-album - SOMETIMES IN DREAMS. But, unable to restrain ourselves, today we release a new single on its very heels.
Released on Valentines Day, it’s a cover of Best Coast’s “Better Girl” and available via all the usual suspects/platforms - Apple Music/iTunes, Amazon, Bandcamp, CD Baby, Spotify, Deezer, et al.
Immeasurably indebted and unbelievable flattered to (occasionally) being likened to bands like Low, Slowdive, and The Velvet Underground, who we revere, we’d like to say something about Bethany Consentino and her group - we love them.
Long story short as possible - when we were wrapping up work on OF LOVE AND LOSS, still very much shattered by grief, our art director gave us a mix tape, something put together by the great Since ’78. Entitled “Adios Los Angeles”, it was all around the theme of leaving, of all that’s lost and all we might hope to one day once again find.
The final track was Best Coast’s “Up All Night”, the kind of pop song so filled with the ache of longing and distance that I nearly fell apart listening the first time. And again. And again. I’d never heard the band before, so I got myself the album “Up All Night” came from (and, indeed, closes) - “The Only Place”.
As our band has moved deeper and deeper into post-rock terrain, it may seem a bit of an anomaly to hear how felled I was by Ms. Consentino and her sunny, bittersweet anthems - long-suffering friends are far more likely to hear me enthusing or indeed insisting on one more spin of “Metal Machine Music” at full volume - but felled I was.
“The Only Place” was in heavy rotation here at The Shrine for the better part of the winter I first acquired it and this mid-album track with its refrain - “you gotta keep me away from what they say about me” and its soaring repeated ending chorus “I wanna be a better girl, a better girl, a better girl” stuck in my throat and heart and chest.
This album, this song, came to me at the darkest of times, opening the wound of loss and longing even yet a bit deeper all in the service of helping me remember and keep moving, however hurting.
Our shoegazey version of this song, released today, on Valentines Day, is meant as a tribute both in thanks to its author and to our fallen bandmate herself, my love and partner. my soulmate, true love and best friend, Summer.
If Ms. Consentino herself comes across this, I hope she doesn’t roll her eyes too much. Because, in the immortal words of John Lydon, “we mean it, man.”
With love and faith…
Michael Serafin-Wells
Bipolar Explorer
New York City
Ash Wednesday
In addition to it being Valentines Day today, little sweetheart, it’s also Ash Wednesday.
One of the holiest days of the year, it also is filled with the most intense kind of sadness and grief for me personally because in 2011 Ash Wednesday came the morning after your tragic accident.
In the hospital all night waiting to see you in the ICU, as dawn broke and people began to arrive for work, to visit, or otherwise, the very signature and surreal sight of many with the mark of the cross in black ash upon their foreheads began to multiply. It was eerie and heartbreaking.
It wasn’t until a few years ago when I first began going to that little lurch on the Upper West Side that I’ve told you about, that first participated in the ritual myself. You come forward for what is called “The Imposition of Ashes” and the minister or priest says something and makes the mark upon you.
Today, instead of going up to West End, I stopped at Sacred Heart, the little Spanish church right across from that rectory I’ve told you of, where the nuns live and where the tiny garden with the statue of the Bless Virgin Mary stands - the spot I pass a few times each day and always stop to say our prayer, asking God to keep you safely in His care and to take me to you as soon as Heaven will allow.
For all these reasons, I’m thinking and longing for you today, my darling girl. Please help and guide me and take me to you, fold me again alongside where I may be with you always, forever. With all my love.
One of the holiest days of the year, it also is filled with the most intense kind of sadness and grief for me personally because in 2011 Ash Wednesday came the morning after your tragic accident.
In the hospital all night waiting to see you in the ICU, as dawn broke and people began to arrive for work, to visit, or otherwise, the very signature and surreal sight of many with the mark of the cross in black ash upon their foreheads began to multiply. It was eerie and heartbreaking.
It wasn’t until a few years ago when I first began going to that little lurch on the Upper West Side that I’ve told you about, that first participated in the ritual myself. You come forward for what is called “The Imposition of Ashes” and the minister or priest says something and makes the mark upon you.
Today, instead of going up to West End, I stopped at Sacred Heart, the little Spanish church right across from that rectory I’ve told you of, where the nuns live and where the tiny garden with the statue of the Bless Virgin Mary stands - the spot I pass a few times each day and always stop to say our prayer, asking God to keep you safely in His care and to take me to you as soon as Heaven will allow.
For all these reasons, I’m thinking and longing for you today, my darling girl. Please help and guide me and take me to you, fold me again alongside where I may be with you always, forever. With all my love.
Valentines Day 2018
Little sweetheart, today is Valentines Day and as ever I am missing, longing, aching for you. Each year I send you a dozen roses c/o your parents house (and a little arrangement for your Mom too). Here’s what I wrote on the card. Please take me to you the moment that heaven will allow.
My dearest darling Summer, Happy Valentine's Day, little sweetheart. I'm so grateful for you. You have filled my heart and my life with light and love. You are my treasure forever
With all my love,
Your Michael
My dearest darling Summer, Happy Valentine's Day, little sweetheart. I'm so grateful for you. You have filled my heart and my life with light and love. You are my treasure forever
With all my love,
Your Michael
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
The Passage
Little sweetheart, I've had an incredible amount of stomach pain for the last two days. I guess I have a particularly virulent strain of the flu or something. I texted your dad because it was really quite severe. I'm doing a bit better today but Monday night was almost unbearable and kind of scary. I couldn't really sleep. It felt like I imagine appendicitis to feel like. It was that bad. And the reason I'm telling you, little sweetheart, is that I really did kind of hope that it meant I might die.
I've thought this way sometimes when I have chest pains - that if it gets worse, I'll just welcome it, not call for help or medical attention but just ride it out and hopefully right into your arms and the Forever. It's an odd thing to say, I suppose, and I've learned that I have to be careful, when and where and how and who I say things like this to, because well-meaning people can send the authorities for you and lock you right up without any recourse, taking away your autonomy and all rights, if they want to. It actually happened to me a few months after your tragic passing, so I know. I have to be careful. Can't trust people with this.
But I wanted to tell you. I welcome the passage. I want to be returned to you. I think of it every day. Some days more intently than others, but every day. May it come soon. May I be returned to you. I feel a kind of dizziness and a sensation in the air as if our life was nearly within reach.
Take me to you. I love you with all my heart and soul. Forever, Forever.
I've thought this way sometimes when I have chest pains - that if it gets worse, I'll just welcome it, not call for help or medical attention but just ride it out and hopefully right into your arms and the Forever. It's an odd thing to say, I suppose, and I've learned that I have to be careful, when and where and how and who I say things like this to, because well-meaning people can send the authorities for you and lock you right up without any recourse, taking away your autonomy and all rights, if they want to. It actually happened to me a few months after your tragic passing, so I know. I have to be careful. Can't trust people with this.
But I wanted to tell you. I welcome the passage. I want to be returned to you. I think of it every day. Some days more intently than others, but every day. May it come soon. May I be returned to you. I feel a kind of dizziness and a sensation in the air as if our life was nearly within reach.
Take me to you. I love you with all my heart and soul. Forever, Forever.
Monday, February 5, 2018
To Do
Little sweetheart, it’s a difficult time. Many terribly sad anniversaries lay just weeks ahead from now and I’m already feeling the weight of them. I want so very much to please and honor and find you. I’m determined to write as much as I possibly can in the months ahead straight through the spring. Please be near me and guide me and help me remember and do my very best - for you!
I have a music side project to attend to that’s going to take up two weeks this month. I’m happy for it. I think it will be good for me, good for us.
But I long to be entirely immersed in you and our story. I long to get down everything I can. I want to be free of all distractions and somehow be the most efficient channeling device for your spirit.
Please help me to receive every transmission and relay with truth and virtue and power. Please guide and take me. I love you with all my heart and soul. Forever. Forever.
I have a music side project to attend to that’s going to take up two weeks this month. I’m happy for it. I think it will be good for me, good for us.
But I long to be entirely immersed in you and our story. I long to get down everything I can. I want to be free of all distractions and somehow be the most efficient channeling device for your spirit.
Please help me to receive every transmission and relay with truth and virtue and power. Please guide and take me. I love you with all my heart and soul. Forever. Forever.
Friday, February 2, 2018
A New Month and things to say but first...
It's a new month, little sweetheart and I've lots to tell you - I've written some down already - but first I just want to say that the single is ready to go and it will feature both your vocals and this pretty picture of you that you took and sent me yourself to model the little onyx pendant I got you for your birthday. See below! So, more soon and I love you forever.
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