(sweet) Surrender

I wonder, little sweetheart, if this is something I’ve already told you, but the day I was finally released from the hospital last May, when Sylvia and your Mom helped me into a cab and then settled themselves into the front and back seats, too, and we pulled away from the curb there, I rolled down the window, relived and grateful to be alive and finally going home.

As we turned right heading toward Columbus, we passed The Cathedral of Saint John the Divine and as I breathed in the warm, fresh spring air, the first I’d had in my lungs in nearly a month, I could hear the sweetest choir of birdsong serenading me and I began to cry.

Later, as we drove southbound for home and Columbus turned into Ninth Avenue past W59th Street, I heard a song come on the radio from the front seat. The driver had it tuned to a popular rock station. It was an old anthem by Cheap Trick, “Surrender”. The guitars and the ending chorus chanting “we’re all alright” had me singing along and Sylvia, who was sitting next to me, took my hand, smiling, and said “don’t get too excited”, still worried about my heart after it had stopped beating for ten minutes during my pulmonary embolism just five days before.

I never had a particular attachment to that song before but now whenever I hear it my mind returns to that moment, as it did today in physical therapy. I was finishing the last of my exercises, wrapping up a two hour session and interrupted it briefly to go into the office and tell the chief therapist, Todd Bryson (you would so like him, little sweetheart), the story. I mentioned all I’ve just said to you here, little sweetheart, and added that there I was, hobbled, in a sling, both legs attached to  hoses, wound vacs, a cane across my lap. And he said “and look at you now”, very kindly encouraging my progress.

It’s been quite an ordeal, little sweetheart. And I’m grateful to your parents and to dear dear Sylvia - my goodness, there’s no one quite like her, so lovely and generous and fierce and good. You two are of the same stripe, little sweetheart. I know you know that and, indeed, knew it well before me. I suspect you brought her and I toward each other.

As in all things. I’m so grateful for you. Surrender, indeed. We’re all alright. And we will truly be so again in The Forever. Isn’t that right? 

With all my love forever.

To Be True

On my desk, little sweetheart, is an index card folded down at the base and turned vertical, so that two words I wrote there always stand at attention to remind me. It reads: Be True.

Surrounded by your things and hundreds of pictures of you, I feel comforted and protected by your love. It helps remind me that you are near. Nearer than I can imagine. And this little mantra helps too. It helps to remind me that whatever may befall me, if I just quiet myself and listen for you - my True One - and keep to path you’ve laid out for me, to stay and be true, I will find my way, every time, back to you, where I belong and long to be.

In my every thought. My every prayer. May I do just that.

With all my love forever.

In Dreams (This Morning)

I don’t always remember my dreams, little sweetheart, and even when I do, I don’t always remember nearly enough details as I wish I would, but I always feel so very blessed just to know that you have come close in sleep and touched me with your presence, brushed me with your angel wings.

Even if only that is all I can recall - that you alighted however briefly in my dreams - I feel a surge of love and protection enveloping me.

Admittedly, I weep in frustration at not being able to reach into my consciousness and pull the details back fully into the light of day so I may write them down here in a flurry, celebrate and commit them to memory. But at least I know you have been with me, as you were last night.

And that alone is something to treasure, My Treasure, and to be grateful for.

With all my love forever.

Today

Little sweetheart it's Valentines Day. I make sure to send you roses each year and did again today, with this little card (below). Love you forever.

My dearest darling Summer, 

Happy Valentine's Day, little sweetheart. 
I'm so grateful for you. You have filled my heart and my life with light and love.
You are my treasure, forever 

With all my love, 

Your Michael

Snow Angel

It's been snowing all day, little sweetheart. It's in the air and on the ground and began early this morning. It's hard to see very far. It's like a white out.

Anyway, I was on the street en route gathering provisions with three stops in mind. So, donning boots and the beautiful scarf you made for me, I headed down taking the trash to the street, first, and then made my icy way to the produce market.

Was shopping there when I realized I’d lost one of my Summer handkerchiefs  - the ones your mom made for me with your initials on them that I take everywhere with me - when I’d brought the trash to the street. It had been in my hand with my gloves.

I was a bit panicked but tried to calmly finish there and then retrace my steps to go back and look. There was only one register open and quite a long wait. It was almost my turn but the woman in front of me in line dumped out 100 coins from her purse and made the cashier count them as we all waited. Sigh.

After I paid, I hurried back to the corner. When I got to the trash can, I looked all through it and around it and on the curb but couldn’t find it, the treasured Summer hanky. I thought to trace my steps from there all the way back to the stoop but nothing.

Finally, walking back about to give up, I found it unfolded, nearly aloft, white on white on the snowy sidewalk. I had already passed that way twice but not seen it. But here it was awaiting me. Gently scooped up, I secured it safely in one of the grocery bags - rescued, wet, but unharmed.

It is now hanging up with other things - including the beautiful jacket you gave me for Christmas 9 years ago - drying in the kitchen.

Snow angels keep watch! Thank you, my little sweetheart. Love you forever.

My Gorgeous Girl

A blessed, wonderful dream where you and I were together once more last night, little sweetheart. Writing all I can remember this morning.

And then come across an envelope with some spare head shots of yours. Even with pictures of you surrounding me always, it took my breath away.

I remember during our trip to Ireland, when we'd already been together for nearly 3 years, watching you get something out of the trunk of the rental car, while Kris and I sat at a table in the pub waiting for lunch to arrive. You'd just ducked back out, after ordering, to get a sweater or something. I gazed out the window at you, oblivious to whatever he was saying and just blurted out, "she's so beautiful!"

Feeling a bit like that just now. Love you forever.

A Reminder

I found a note-to-self, a reminder to write about the psychic reading I had six years ago today, little sweetheart. 

It was a cold rainy day when I took the train out there. Very contemplative weather. 

There's much to say about it and I will later. But just now because it's so very much in mind I want to remember and tell you the messages that they brought me as I sat there listening quietly. 

They told me that you wanted me to know you were okay and that it didn’t hurt and that you were only terribly worried about me and just wanted me to know it was okay and how important it was to do my work, our work. And that I should know it all was only just like being on a stage where people enter and exit and that you have to wait for your cue when it’s your own turn, my turn to leave the stage, and that just like always you would be there when I did, waiting for me, as if only in a dressing room backstage, where I would join you just like always, like we had been doing all along through so many lifetimes, to do it all again together. Forever.

Forever.

Our Lives Before Us

Little sweetheart, Facebook is a funny place and I only really check in there at all regularly to monitor messages to the band, but today an alert let me know that 10 years ago you and I spent the day in Carmel.

We'd driven down for your call back for "The Blue Room" and Ken had told you that although they weren't ready to announce it, you had the part.

We walked together after on the beach where we took this and a few other photos, wandered around the main street into a candy shop and Lush, where I bought you some bath bombs that we took up to Davis.

These images are never far from my mind. Indeed, prints of them are within arm's length at my desk as I type this. I only longingly wish you were within reach yourself.

But I know your spirit hovers close by, closer than I can imagine, and that one day soon I will join you again and forever. With all my love...