I was watching a movie the other night, little sweetheart. I’d seen it before but it was funny because I had just been thinking of it and here it was on TCM. I mentioned to your dad after and he said he too he just watched it the day before that. It’s the Steve McQueen film Bullitt.
It’s famously set in San Francisco and it’s really kind of astonishing how many shows and movies are. Even films like this very much a product of their time (still good, just clearly a wonderful snapshot of their period), in this case the late 60’s, the city is somehow timeless. Seeing it in 1967/68 takes more there just as vividly as seeing footage from 2010 - which I did last night, watching a film about the Giants World Series run of that season.
So often, little sweetheart, and I know I’ve said this before, I feel like I can almost touch our life. Can feel it on my skin, in my heart, a part of the blood flowing through my veins and I have that sense that it is just ever so slightly out of my reach. Not so lost that it can’t be regained, found.
However frustrating the feeling, there’s also an enormous comfort in it. Like it can’t possibly really be gone if I can have this vivid of a sensation. And that, maybe my gorgeous girl, is a good sign, a bolster of faith.
You’re there. You are always. And so are we and our time, I just can’t get my fingers on it yet. But we are and are always. You’ll take me there, I know.
With all my love forever.
Monday, March 30, 2020
Monday, March 23, 2020
Live from home!
During this sort of quarantine, little sweetheart, everyone’s kind of at home. Things like plays and concerts and art exhibits all had to close or not open up in the first place. I’m glad we were in the middle of recording and not just about to release and tour.
Anyway, people are finding ways to work around it by filming things at home and sharing them online on YouTube and social media. One of the best ones is Ben Gibbard’s.
DCfC were such an important band to you and I weren’t they, little sweetheart? And for these first two weeks of Shelter in Place, he’s been doing about 50 minute show each day from his home studio, playing guitar and piano and singing songs from the whole catalogue, usually stopping about midway through to answer questions people send in via the comments online.
I’ve been watching since the second night and it made me so emotional to hear these songs that meant so much to us, little sweetheart. I cried and cried. But it’s good, too, I know because you told me to do just that - to listen to our music and remember.
I always will, my love. Always. Love you forever.
Anyway, people are finding ways to work around it by filming things at home and sharing them online on YouTube and social media. One of the best ones is Ben Gibbard’s.
DCfC were such an important band to you and I weren’t they, little sweetheart? And for these first two weeks of Shelter in Place, he’s been doing about 50 minute show each day from his home studio, playing guitar and piano and singing songs from the whole catalogue, usually stopping about midway through to answer questions people send in via the comments online.
I’ve been watching since the second night and it made me so emotional to hear these songs that meant so much to us, little sweetheart. I cried and cried. But it’s good, too, I know because you told me to do just that - to listen to our music and remember.
I always will, my love. Always. Love you forever.
Wednesday, March 18, 2020
March 18, 2020
Little sweetheart, tonight is awful anniversary of your passing. It’s always so hard but I try my best to do the things you would tell me to. I texted your parents this morning and sent an new little flowering green plant to your mom for all three of you.
Tonight I would have usually gone to Taize to light a candle and pray for you but the sanctuary is closed because of the coronavirus, I was telling you about. What they did instead was have a “virtual” service. They’re using a video conferencing app now at the church like office workers do for meetings, so I was able to watch and listen and say a prayer for you after all.
As I said, just the other night I was looking out the window and I noticed the moonrise. It was enormous and full and when I looked it up I discovered it was the night of a supermoon, not unlike the one that rose above your folks and I when we went out in the hospital parking lot after you ascended on this very night nine years ago to the very heavens.
I went up on the roof and gazed at the moon, luminous just like you, and talked with you for quiet a while.
These are difficult days, little sweetheart but my heart is filled with love for you. And I promise to do my best, waiting patiently, working diligently until you can take me home with you again and forever.
With all my love.
Tonight I would have usually gone to Taize to light a candle and pray for you but the sanctuary is closed because of the coronavirus, I was telling you about. What they did instead was have a “virtual” service. They’re using a video conferencing app now at the church like office workers do for meetings, so I was able to watch and listen and say a prayer for you after all.
As I said, just the other night I was looking out the window and I noticed the moonrise. It was enormous and full and when I looked it up I discovered it was the night of a supermoon, not unlike the one that rose above your folks and I when we went out in the hospital parking lot after you ascended on this very night nine years ago to the very heavens.
I went up on the roof and gazed at the moon, luminous just like you, and talked with you for quiet a while.
These are difficult days, little sweetheart but my heart is filled with love for you. And I promise to do my best, waiting patiently, working diligently until you can take me home with you again and forever.
With all my love.
Sunday, March 15, 2020
Shelter
Little sweetheart, the strangest thing has happened. A very virulent strain of virus began spreading around the world, first in a tiny province of China and then pretty much everywhere. The US government still hasn’t exactly figured out what to do but some of the more forward thinking governors have taken the initiative to basically shut things down within their own states, cities and towns.
Both our home states of California and New York have done just that. It’s something called Sheltering in Place and we’re not meant to travel or really even venture out much from our homes at all except for groceries or medicine.
I’m talking to your folks everyday and your dad is very much on the frontlines being a doctor and so very essential. Your mom and I are very worried about him but he’s being careful and, as ever, looking after people and saving lives.
I’m doing my best to do what’s recommended and staying inside working on the book and the new album, listening to music and saying quiet prayers for you, as always. I know you’re watching over us and I’ll be listening even more keenly than usual for your celestial counsel. With all my love forever.
Both our home states of California and New York have done just that. It’s something called Sheltering in Place and we’re not meant to travel or really even venture out much from our homes at all except for groceries or medicine.
I’m talking to your folks everyday and your dad is very much on the frontlines being a doctor and so very essential. Your mom and I are very worried about him but he’s being careful and, as ever, looking after people and saving lives.
I’m doing my best to do what’s recommended and staying inside working on the book and the new album, listening to music and saying quiet prayers for you, as always. I know you’re watching over us and I’ll be listening even more keenly than usual for your celestial counsel. With all my love forever.
Saturday, March 14, 2020
Mom's B'day
Little sweetheart, today is my mom’s birthday. She’d be… well, maybe she’d actually prefer if I didn’t say how old but I sure do miss her. I’m so very glad you two got to meet and spend a little time getting know one another. Like everything, I wish there had been more time but I’m glad there was some.
Last night after working and having dinner I looked for something to watch - just like you thought me to do with you, watching a story at the end of the day together with your partner; was so happy and proud to be called your own! - and I saw that one of my mom’s favorite movies was coming on. It seemed very cosmic, in a way. So, I sat down and watched it all the way through.
It was Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid. I think maybe I remember the movie most because, even though I often say this was one of mom’s favorite movies and it was along with Casablanca and a few others, what she liked most about it, I think, was the song “Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head”, the BJ Thomas version of the Bacharach/David composition. She had the 45 and I remember how she liked singing it.
I’m so glad you two met, little sweetheart. It’s actually a little uncanny how as young girls - like very young, like 4 or 5 - you resemble one another in photographs, even decades and decades apart. I suspect you two have gotten to know one another even better now, in the forever. And I very much like thinking about that and the day when I may finally join you.
With all my love forever.
Last night after working and having dinner I looked for something to watch - just like you thought me to do with you, watching a story at the end of the day together with your partner; was so happy and proud to be called your own! - and I saw that one of my mom’s favorite movies was coming on. It seemed very cosmic, in a way. So, I sat down and watched it all the way through.
It was Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid. I think maybe I remember the movie most because, even though I often say this was one of mom’s favorite movies and it was along with Casablanca and a few others, what she liked most about it, I think, was the song “Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head”, the BJ Thomas version of the Bacharach/David composition. She had the 45 and I remember how she liked singing it.
I’m so glad you two met, little sweetheart. It’s actually a little uncanny how as young girls - like very young, like 4 or 5 - you resemble one another in photographs, even decades and decades apart. I suspect you two have gotten to know one another even better now, in the forever. And I very much like thinking about that and the day when I may finally join you.
With all my love forever.
Sunday, March 8, 2020
New Moon, Supermoon
It’s the awful anniversary of your accident, tonight, little sweetheart. I’ve been praying and going quietly with extra care and kindness about the day.
Tonight as I sat here on (new) sofa, I saw the moon - huge and rising - between two buildings. Still in my pajamas, I put on a coat and hat and headed to the roof in wonder to talk to you.
A supermoon, not unlike the one that passed above us simultaneous with the ascension of your beautiful spirit the night you left us, was overhead. I read more about it once I came back to the desk here where I sit now writing this to you.
I feel you close, blessing me, encouraging me, keeping me safe, strengthening any faith that we will be together - indeed, always are - soon and forever. Our Oneness Can Never Be Erased.
With all my love, forever. Forever.
Tonight as I sat here on (new) sofa, I saw the moon - huge and rising - between two buildings. Still in my pajamas, I put on a coat and hat and headed to the roof in wonder to talk to you.
A supermoon, not unlike the one that passed above us simultaneous with the ascension of your beautiful spirit the night you left us, was overhead. I read more about it once I came back to the desk here where I sit now writing this to you.
I feel you close, blessing me, encouraging me, keeping me safe, strengthening any faith that we will be together - indeed, always are - soon and forever. Our Oneness Can Never Be Erased.
With all my love, forever. Forever.
Saturday, March 7, 2020
The Greatest Gift - You!
It’s unseasonably warm today, little sweetheart, and although I got a late start on the day and then had things to do at home, I wanted to get out before the sun went down and enjoy the fresh air. I took my headphones with me, so I could call Sylvia before it got to be too late in France but they weren’t working. I could barely hear anything. I disconnected them and put the phone to my ear and could instantly hear much better. Something is wrong with the headphones, I thought, and when I got home I checked and confirmed that was the case.
Many Christmases ago, I remember, you gave me a very nice air of earbuds. I had a bottom of the line cellphone - the free one they used to give you just for signing up for service with AT&T - and you thought if we were going to be on the phone so much that I should have them. I thanked you and kissed you and we were sitting at the red table here in the apartment and I tried to connect them but the phone was so crappy they wouldn’t work. You were pretty annoyed by that and I apologized all over the place.
Just a week or so later we were back in California and one day we drove up to see your folks. You told your dad you thought it would be a great Christmas present if he wanted to add me to the Serafin family plan on AT&T and avail ourselves of a new iPhone for our trouble and give it to… me. A testament to the ineffable generosity of both you and your beautiful parents, he didn’t even flinch, just took me in the car with him, drove over to the AT&T store and got me a new phone, an iPhone, my first one. When we got back to the house, you immediately took it out of my hands and typed all your info into my Contacts. The first one. You. Entering yourself not as Summer but as “Cheeky”. Quite right.
Finally, I had a phone to fit the lovely earbuds you’d gotten me. They went with me everywhere, of course, and for years, even the lost, inconsolable ones after your tragic passing. One day I was walking through the park listening to an SF Giants baseball game and I noticed one of the earbuds, the left one, had gone silent. I looked all over the place for someone who could repair them even though everyone said it would be cheaper just to buy a new pair., Finally, I found some guys down in the garment district. Later they also fixed that crappy old bottom of the line phone I’d had so that I could save all the texts you’d sent me before I’d gotten the iPhone. I painstaking took a picture of each text with my iPhone, aiming it at the screen of the old phone until I had all 200 or so of them.
Anyway… the headphones. The were able to fix them but they had to replace the little speakers inside the earbuds themselves and although it worked both left and right again, the sound wasn’t quite the same. It was kind of toppy, more treble than bass. And anyway I didn’t want to wear them out again, so I slipped them back into the lovely little black pouch they’d come in and I had saved all this time and put them on the red table with all your things there, kind of part of the shrine.
Tonight, I took them out for the first time since then and still a bit toppy, I didn’t mind so much. I’m ordering another regular old pair of Apple earbuds but it’s lovely to have these so very special ones in my ears tonight, little sweetheart. It brings you close to me.
May it always be so. With all my love and gratitude forever. Your Michael…
Many Christmases ago, I remember, you gave me a very nice air of earbuds. I had a bottom of the line cellphone - the free one they used to give you just for signing up for service with AT&T - and you thought if we were going to be on the phone so much that I should have them. I thanked you and kissed you and we were sitting at the red table here in the apartment and I tried to connect them but the phone was so crappy they wouldn’t work. You were pretty annoyed by that and I apologized all over the place.
Just a week or so later we were back in California and one day we drove up to see your folks. You told your dad you thought it would be a great Christmas present if he wanted to add me to the Serafin family plan on AT&T and avail ourselves of a new iPhone for our trouble and give it to… me. A testament to the ineffable generosity of both you and your beautiful parents, he didn’t even flinch, just took me in the car with him, drove over to the AT&T store and got me a new phone, an iPhone, my first one. When we got back to the house, you immediately took it out of my hands and typed all your info into my Contacts. The first one. You. Entering yourself not as Summer but as “Cheeky”. Quite right.
Finally, I had a phone to fit the lovely earbuds you’d gotten me. They went with me everywhere, of course, and for years, even the lost, inconsolable ones after your tragic passing. One day I was walking through the park listening to an SF Giants baseball game and I noticed one of the earbuds, the left one, had gone silent. I looked all over the place for someone who could repair them even though everyone said it would be cheaper just to buy a new pair., Finally, I found some guys down in the garment district. Later they also fixed that crappy old bottom of the line phone I’d had so that I could save all the texts you’d sent me before I’d gotten the iPhone. I painstaking took a picture of each text with my iPhone, aiming it at the screen of the old phone until I had all 200 or so of them.
Anyway… the headphones. The were able to fix them but they had to replace the little speakers inside the earbuds themselves and although it worked both left and right again, the sound wasn’t quite the same. It was kind of toppy, more treble than bass. And anyway I didn’t want to wear them out again, so I slipped them back into the lovely little black pouch they’d come in and I had saved all this time and put them on the red table with all your things there, kind of part of the shrine.
Tonight, I took them out for the first time since then and still a bit toppy, I didn’t mind so much. I’m ordering another regular old pair of Apple earbuds but it’s lovely to have these so very special ones in my ears tonight, little sweetheart. It brings you close to me.
May it always be so. With all my love and gratitude forever. Your Michael…
Sunday, March 1, 2020
The Cruelest Month
It’s March, little sweetheart. TS Eliot once called April “the cruelest month” but however mournful, even he did not know my sorrow. March is mine. March is the month you were taken from me. March is the month of the bitter anniversaries if your accident, our ten day vigil praying for your recovery, your tragic passing and soul-ripping grief that has followed me to this day.
Each day this month, little sweetheart, perhaps more than usual, perhaps more than any other, I must pray and be mindful, find ways to be kind and endeavor to busy myself with the work that remembers, honors and conjure you - The Most Beautiful Spirit, the blessing and very reason of my life.
Please be near me, won’t you, little sweetheart? Please help and guide me. And take me to you the moment heaven will allow. With all my love forever.
Each day this month, little sweetheart, perhaps more than usual, perhaps more than any other, I must pray and be mindful, find ways to be kind and endeavor to busy myself with the work that remembers, honors and conjure you - The Most Beautiful Spirit, the blessing and very reason of my life.
Please be near me, won’t you, little sweetheart? Please help and guide me. And take me to you the moment heaven will allow. With all my love forever.
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