More Cardinals!

Little sweetheart, speaking of snow, we’ve had a ton here! Two big snowstorms and the drifts linger, although the sidewalks and pathways have mostly been cleared. 

I love to go for a long walk every day in the afternoon while we still have light in these short days of the year. I often go down close to the river and then climb higher into the park. 

I’ve been blessed here the last few months, as I’ve told you, little sweetheart, to spot a cardinal every now and again. But over the last few days I’ve seen one almost every day. 

There’s a little spot, just after the tunnel where the hill begins, and a couple of still winter leafless trees stand. A lot a little sparrows like that spot and sing sweetly in their branches but I’ve noticed a pretty cardinal there among them almost every day. I always stop and watch and talk to him quietly. 

I know the legend of cardinals and that when they alight before you it’s to share the presence of our beloveds - of you! I’m so glad to be near you, always, little sweetheart. 

Please keep finding me. Help and guide me.

With all my love.

Valentines Day '21

Happy Valentines Day, little sweetheart! 

I’ve been thinking so much about the ones we got to share, especially the one when we went to The Snow, as I’ve mentioned here just before. But another of them comes to mind. 

One when we were so dreadfully kept apart - you in SF doing “Beebo” with Raelle at The Brava and me with a gig here in NYC - and couldn’t get away. 

I remember I ordered you flowers and they messed it up somehow. The day came and they hadn’t arrived and I was on the phone with them totally livid. But you calmed me and put everything in perspective. You loved getting flowers, you said, but what you really wanted was just… me. 

And that thought - that even when parted, you were only a flight away, that I could however impulsively just get on a plane and arrive unannounced to surprise and delight you kept me going so many times, little sweetheart. 

We will again, I know. I have faith that you will find me and bring me home to you, this time forever. 

With all my love… On Valentines Day!
 

Feb 11

Little sweetheart, it’s kind of an odd day, today. 

My mom always used to give me a desk calendar, the kind with all 365 days, each one having its own page, where you tear off the previous day’s page to land on the current one. The very last one she gave me was in use here on the day I flew out to see you for what I couldn’t know would be our last month together. 

I got up early that morning on February 11 to fly to SFO for our film screening, Valentines Day, and to see you in your play at San Jose Stage. When I returned a month later, ruined, broken, that calendar was still here on the bookshelf, that date still affixed. 

I never turned another page of it. But I kept it, only moving it, just last month, into the red table room. 

I’m not even sure what more to say except that I miss and long for you terribly. Please be near me in these days to come, won’t you little sweetheart? And take me to you the moment heaven will allow.

With love & faith…

The Snow, part 3

There’s so much more to the story of our trip to The Snow, little sweetheart - the amazing holiday house, the epic dinners we made for everyone, riding snowmobiles, watching the snowfall overnight until we’d gotten 60 inches in 36 hours, the incredibly moving and thoughtful speech your father made at dinner that first night to welcome me - and I’ve detailed it as I continue work on our story. But briefly here I’d just like to remember a bit of our last day. 

Everyone but you and I and your parents had already begun the snowy trek home. The huge snowfall had triggered a requirement that all cars drive with tire chains. I’d lived in the snowbelt of the upper midwest and I’d never had to drive with tire chains, so that was indicative of how severe - and beautiful - the weather had been. 

The four of us sort lingered there at the house, tidying up but mostly not quite wanting to leave behind the wonderful time we’d had together. 

It was very much the first occasion I’d had to spend extended time with your folks - funny to think of now when they are the dearest people in the world to me. We talked all morning before finally packing up and headed off very slowly, snow chains and all, through the mountains back home. 

It was absolutely gorgeous, a wintry wonderland. At one point, quite high up, your dad waved at us to follow him and pull over to the shoulder ahead. I was driving your famous blue Prius, you in the passenger seat. Your mom and dad in the car ahead. We pulled over because we’d reached a point where it was okay to remove the snow chains and they actually had a crew out there who would do it for you without your having to leave the car. 

The next time we stopped, it was for gas. We’d left the mountains and it was shocking how much warmer it was, the ice and snow of Tahoe a memory - a great one! 

An hour or two later we pulled into the driveway in Davis. As your mom and you gathered a few things, your dad and I walked out into the garden and he went over and pulled two tangerines off the tree, handing me one. Ah, California! 

Later we went for dinner together before hugging and kissing them, they en route to Yuba City and we on to your apartment in the Inner Sunset. Like always, like every moment with you, little sweetheart, it had been magic. 

With all my love….

The Snow, part 2

The drive took about three hours, I think, little sweetheart, partly because of the weather. It was a sunny, warm late afternoon when we left San Francisco but dark soon and then quite snowy in the mountains. 

We kind of had all the twists and turns of the mountain passes to ourselves, little sweetheart - almost no traffic at all - and after a while needed to find a filling station. We pulled off where we saw a big lighted sign in the distance, choosing it because we figured we were less likely to get lost trying to find our way back. We were hopeless with directions - ha! 

You hustled into the little shop there to keep warm while I gassed up the Prius, then I joined you inside, where you were gathering a few snacks and a hot chocolate for the road. We took everything to the cashier to pay our bill and it was then we both noticed a little display of inexpensive sunglasses, a couple of them Valentines Day themed. You tried on a nice pink and white pair that had little hearts on the frames and I immediately wanted to buy them for you. 

As the lady was taking my AmEx, so madly in love with you in your little Valentines Day shades and everything, I blurted out, “have you ever seen such a beautiful girl!”. 

You were a little embarrassed but she was entirely charmed. You kind of shrugged at her as if to say “Sorry, I really can’t take him anywhere”. But you weren’t mad at me, thank goodness. You knew I couldn’t help it.

The Snow, part 1

Little sweetheart, I’ve been thinking, probably because I’ve been writing, about the wonderful weekend we spent together with your family this time of year several years ago. What we called our “Trip to the Snow”. 

There’s so much to it and I’ve just detailed it of late writing our book but a few memories of it come to mind I’d like to leave here. 

Your dad had rented a house in Lake Tahoe and with characteristic and breathtaking generosity invited the entire extended family, including me, to come away for Valentines Weekend. Every one had already driven up and arrived by the time we just began getting on the road ourselves because you were teaching a class at the YC that afternoon, little sweetheart. 

I often came downtown with you on those days and waited for you after. A few days before I’d noticed that something caught your eye in the window at Macy’s, so on this day, while you were in class, I sneaked back, bought and had it gift wrapped for you. When you emerged from the YC, I was waiting with car, ready to drive to the mountains. 

Once you got in, I pulled the box out of the backseat and gave it to you. It was a pretty little pink and red polka dot on black lingerie ensemble - top and bottoms. You were so surprised and delighted.

Kind of Perfect

Little sweetheart, Valentines Day is this coming Sunday. 

I always like to order flowers for both you and your mom. But she moves around so I always need to find out where she’s going to be on the day. This year, she’s in Davis. 

I hadn’t ordered flowers in Davis before but I found a nice place online and then called them. I knew what I wanted for each of you and had already written out your cards. I just had to tell the girl over the phone, At the end I thanked her for her help and asked her what her name was and she said “actually, my name is Summer, too!”. 

I thought that was just wonderful, don’t you, little sweetheart? Kind of perfect. 

Anyway, Happy Almost Valentines Day! 

With all my love forever.