CAMP Radio Show #4

Little sweetheart, the 4th episode of our show for France's CAMP Radio - Bipolar Explorer's "The Other Room" - aired yesterday and is now up on the station's MixCloud here. 

We've been describing the show as a monthly one but it's actually every four weeks, so this is the second one in the month of March. As ever, it's an hour of experimental and ambient music, field recordings, spoken word, soundscapes and otherness but I also found myself compiling it very much with these days of March and all it brings to memory, in mind. As ever, it's so very much all for you. 

With all my love forever... 

The Day After The Day After St Patrick's Day

Little sweetheart, for all the bitter anniversaries that March brings of loss, another far more joyous one remains and I hope to hold it close to my heart today and all in all the days of my life yet to come. 

March 19th - the day after the day after St Patrick's Day - was one that you and I used to cite as our anniversary as a couple. We'd met, of course, months earlier and had been getting to know and deeply care for one another from almost that very first moment. But this night proved a special one for us and later we'd think of it in that way - as our Anniversary, writ large.. 

So, Happy March 19th, my darling girl, my True Love, my soulmate, my gingersnap, my little sweetheart. With all my love forever.

In Your Arms

Little sweetheart, on this sad day, my thoughts are, as ever, of you. How terribly I miss you. How grateful I am that you found me and brought such light and love into my life. How I long to be with you again when God finally calls me home to your side. 

Last night, something very unusual happened. The westside was cloaked in fog, as if we were back in the Inner Sunset of San Francisco as we were in those best days and nights and years of my life - simply with you. 

Fog in NYC is quite rare and I couldn't help but think, indeed, know, that you were putting your arms around me, letting me know you’re so much closer than I can even imagine. 

My every thought is of you. On this day and every day. And I love you. Forever. Forever.

 

About Today...

11 years ago, little sweetheart, I woke with you for the last time. You were curled up in my arms with your little feet around my ankles, your hot water bottle pushed off the side of the bed to the floor, warm enough now in an embrace. You kissed me and we lingered together for an hour.
A beautiful day, warm and glistening and filled with love and promise and adventures together, that ended in tragedy and left me forever broken.

I look for you everywhere and seize upon anything that might be a sign, a trace of you trying your best to comfort and guide me. I can't know the day. I can't know the hour. I can't even know why I remain. But I must listen quietly and simply have faith that someday, some hour, sometime (and may it be soon), I will be returned to you.

I've a picture of us, a selfie before people called them that, of you and I, our faces pressed together, your lips upon my cheek, standing within a stone circle at the edge of the world - the end of the Sheep's Head peninsula out beyond the lighthouse on our trip to Ireland. Moments after it was snapped and we began trekking back to the village, we got lost, taking a wrong turn and losing the path. It was becoming dusk and I got worried. I ran ahead looking for a fork that would return us before it got dark and we were truly lost. You cried out, because I was walking too fast for you, and I turned. When I did I saw a sign - only visible from this direction, only able to be perceived because I was turned away from the rogue path, only visible because I was turned to FACE YOU - an arrow that showed me, showed us the way. The True Way.

And that way is you, my little sweetheart.

In all things, how you have saved and changed and guided me, from the day I met you to this very moment when I can't touch or see you, when I ache to do so, still you find a way to help me find the way. Ever grateful, I love you forever. And trust my soul, which is best equipped to hear you, which is itself half of your own, to perceive your guiding presence and lead me home. For home is you.

With all my love forever. Forever, Summer. Forever, my little sweetheart. Forever.

Quick Note

Little sweetheart, a quick note to say... I've so much more to say! I write often in a Pages document to you and then post those little messages here. I've two months of them to catch up on and will post them all next week. Meantime, know - I know you do - that my every thought is of you. With all my love forever.

Spring Awakening

Little sweetheart, it’s been such a bitter cold winter. The wind! I think because we’re on the west side it’s even more pronounced. 

I’ve been endeavoring to run every day even through all of this, trying to regain my conditioning. Everything seems a bit harder these days. I bought some new cold weather gear last winter but have really been using it this season. It’s especially bone-chilling closest to the river - the winds really seems to kick up along the shore there. But today we had our first hint of spring’s arrival. 

It’s still a few weeks off yet, but we had a bit of a warmer day, the wind taking a respite, the birds singing a little more cheerfully and a few of the heartier flowers - snowdrops, in particular - beginning to bud, undeterred by a return of frost. 

I think spring is maybe my favorite season, little sweetheart. Probably because it reminds me so much of the light and warmth you brought to my life. In some way, the cycles of the seasons are a comfort like that because their inevitability, if I embrace it, deepens my faith that you abide and I will one day, when Heaven allows, be with you again and forever. I need only to look to the seasons and my heart to know that it is so. 

With all my love forever.

CAMP Radio Show #3

Little sweetheart, the third episode of our show for France’s CAMP Radio - Bipolar Explorer’s “The Other Room” - has aired and is now up on the station’s MixCloud. 

It’s a monthly show, technically, but actually is every 4 weeks, so there will be two shows in March, the second on the 29th. Again, it’s actually charted in the Top 100 in the global experimental charts. 

As ever, it’s an hour of experimental and ambient music, field recordings and otherness - including a special track just for you. Link here. 

Love you forever!!!