Whenever I’m feeling regretful, which is often, little sweetheart, and my heart is breaking for how much I miss you and how much I hate myself for wasting even a moment of the precious few I was blessed to have at your side, I hear your voice and it helps and comforts me. Whenever I think of something you used to say to me, maybe the thing that you said most often. And that is :
“You’re so good to me.”
You have no idea (or perhaps you do, you know everything, don’t you my darling girl?) how much remembering you say those words lightens my heart.
Perhaps, somehow, you knew exactly how very much I would need them.
Thank god (literally) for you, little sweetheart. When I despair so thoroughly, it is you who always picks me up, reminding me. That you felt that and told me so so very many times helps me forgive myself for all my many failings.
Thank god you found me. Thank god I found a way to show you my love and gratitude.
How I long for you! Thank you for sending these words back to me again today when the clouds were all around me. You clear my clear. You are the sky itself.
With all my love forever. Forever.
Showing posts with label life without hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life without hope. Show all posts
Sunday, May 26, 2019
Wednesday, March 6, 2019
That Morning After
Little sweetheart, today is Ash Wednesday - rather unforgettable for it having been on March 9 in 2011, that morning after your accident.
From rushing to your side and tearing my shirt off to lay under and cradle your head, to rushing in a police car to the hospital where they had taken you and sitting on the floor outside the ICU waiting to able to finally see you, when the tears, overcoming the shock, broke through in a torrent that continues to this day and the sobs wracked my breathing, only ever one hard breath removed from me even now, I sat there. And as the night shift at SF General turned to the Wednesday morning one, I saw people arrive, both staff and visitors, with the sign of the cross in black ash marking foreheads.
It was an eerie almost surrealistic sight. And somehow quite appropriate. It signaled something urgent and other-worldly. In those days and hours that stay with me always I remember how my hand would involuntarily cover my mouth, a gesture of shock and grief, almost a cliche, but made now so true to my understanding. I think in those moments our souls very nearly leave our bodies, longing to join and merge with the most beloved - you.
It’s Ash Wednesday, little sweetheart, and my every thought, my every prayer, my entire being is with you. With all my love forever.
From rushing to your side and tearing my shirt off to lay under and cradle your head, to rushing in a police car to the hospital where they had taken you and sitting on the floor outside the ICU waiting to able to finally see you, when the tears, overcoming the shock, broke through in a torrent that continues to this day and the sobs wracked my breathing, only ever one hard breath removed from me even now, I sat there. And as the night shift at SF General turned to the Wednesday morning one, I saw people arrive, both staff and visitors, with the sign of the cross in black ash marking foreheads.
It was an eerie almost surrealistic sight. And somehow quite appropriate. It signaled something urgent and other-worldly. In those days and hours that stay with me always I remember how my hand would involuntarily cover my mouth, a gesture of shock and grief, almost a cliche, but made now so true to my understanding. I think in those moments our souls very nearly leave our bodies, longing to join and merge with the most beloved - you.
It’s Ash Wednesday, little sweetheart, and my every thought, my every prayer, my entire being is with you. With all my love forever.
Saturday, December 16, 2017
Needing You
I feel so sad today, little sweetheart, and I'm not altogether sure why.
It's cold out and gets darker early -it's not even 3pm and it appears like dusk. The new album is in production and I've nothing more to work on it, just await its arrival from manufacturing. Christmas is coming and I'll be headed to see your parents next week.
I think maybe somehow all of these things together bring a kind of sadness and longing for you. However much I hope the new album is a wonderful tribute and brings you vividly to presence, it doesn't bring you here to my side or I to yours. It can't. Perhaps that's part of of my dark mood - that no matter what I do what want the most - just to be with you - I can't have or conjure.
In these moments I need to quiet myself, even crying, and try to do my best to honor you, to work at being the man you want me to be. That's all I can do really isn't it, little sweetheart? Just do the best I can and have faith.
I'm remembering right now something you used to say when we both would get upset. You'd tell me that we both couldn't fall apart at the same time! One of us would need to rally and be strong so the other could get on their feet. You didn't mean it always had to me, either. You were just saying, in your inimitable way, that we both needed to buck up and that we would if we helped each other. No one ever did that for me except you, little sweetheart. No one ever before or since.
Every day when I wake up after saying our prayer, I talk to you and ask that you be with me today, help me do the right thing and to take me to you the moment heaven will allow, because I don't like it here, I don't like it here at all without you and that I feel happy and that belong only when I am with you.
I need to listen for you and do the best that I can, don't I little sweetheart? Please help and guide me. I feel so lost today and I desperately miss and need your help and presence. Don't let me lose sight of this or lose faith that I will find you soon and forever.
I'm sad and lonely for you. Only you will do, as you said to me in one of your beautiful, generous, unafraid texts. I printed it and it hangs above my desk right here.
"Lovely you madly. There is no substitute. You are my treasure. Forever. ", it says.
Yes, my darling. Same. There is no substitute. Only you will do. Forever. Please take me there. With all my love.
It's cold out and gets darker early -it's not even 3pm and it appears like dusk. The new album is in production and I've nothing more to work on it, just await its arrival from manufacturing. Christmas is coming and I'll be headed to see your parents next week.
I think maybe somehow all of these things together bring a kind of sadness and longing for you. However much I hope the new album is a wonderful tribute and brings you vividly to presence, it doesn't bring you here to my side or I to yours. It can't. Perhaps that's part of of my dark mood - that no matter what I do what want the most - just to be with you - I can't have or conjure.
In these moments I need to quiet myself, even crying, and try to do my best to honor you, to work at being the man you want me to be. That's all I can do really isn't it, little sweetheart? Just do the best I can and have faith.
I'm remembering right now something you used to say when we both would get upset. You'd tell me that we both couldn't fall apart at the same time! One of us would need to rally and be strong so the other could get on their feet. You didn't mean it always had to me, either. You were just saying, in your inimitable way, that we both needed to buck up and that we would if we helped each other. No one ever did that for me except you, little sweetheart. No one ever before or since.
Every day when I wake up after saying our prayer, I talk to you and ask that you be with me today, help me do the right thing and to take me to you the moment heaven will allow, because I don't like it here, I don't like it here at all without you and that I feel happy and that belong only when I am with you.
I need to listen for you and do the best that I can, don't I little sweetheart? Please help and guide me. I feel so lost today and I desperately miss and need your help and presence. Don't let me lose sight of this or lose faith that I will find you soon and forever.
I'm sad and lonely for you. Only you will do, as you said to me in one of your beautiful, generous, unafraid texts. I printed it and it hangs above my desk right here.
"Lovely you madly. There is no substitute. You are my treasure. Forever. ", it says.
Yes, my darling. Same. There is no substitute. Only you will do. Forever. Please take me there. With all my love.
Thursday, August 31, 2017
Everything Hurts
Little sweetheart, I sometimes wonder if mornings will ever ache less than they do and have every single morning since your tragic passing. I open my eyes and simply despair each day. I try to quiet myself and say our prayer and then turn to your side of the bed and quietly talk to you, softly touching your things there. Telling you how much I love you and asking you to be with me and take me to you as soon as heaven will allow.
Every morning I say these words to you, that I don't like it here without you and only want to be with you. This morning, even before those words, I found myself saying this: "nothing works and everything hurts".
So very often, little sweetheart, I simply don't know what to do. But I say our prayer and kiss your pictures good morning and make coffee and try to go about the day - writing for you, writing about you, writing to you. Working on the new album. This morning I also wrote a letter to your mom. I bought her a book I know she wants. I got it yesterday at The Strand and I'm sending it all off to her this afternoon.
I'll do my work and little errands and go for a run and make myself dinner and fall away to sleep again tonight. I just wish you would come for me in my sleep and take me to you. I don't like it here without you. I don't like it here at all. I miss and need and long for you. Please, please come soon.
With all my love forever.
Every morning I say these words to you, that I don't like it here without you and only want to be with you. This morning, even before those words, I found myself saying this: "nothing works and everything hurts".
So very often, little sweetheart, I simply don't know what to do. But I say our prayer and kiss your pictures good morning and make coffee and try to go about the day - writing for you, writing about you, writing to you. Working on the new album. This morning I also wrote a letter to your mom. I bought her a book I know she wants. I got it yesterday at The Strand and I'm sending it all off to her this afternoon.
I'll do my work and little errands and go for a run and make myself dinner and fall away to sleep again tonight. I just wish you would come for me in my sleep and take me to you. I don't like it here without you. I don't like it here at all. I miss and need and long for you. Please, please come soon.
With all my love forever.
Tuesday, August 15, 2017
Lost
Little sweetheart, I’m running aground again. So badly. So badly, I couldn’t even speak of it until now when I think, I hope, I’m finally turning a corner.
Sometimes, my darling, I’m just plunged into despair. Even, maybe especially, in moments when just before I seemed to have gotten myself together. I’m not drinking or about to hurt myself but I just lapse into other, slightly less mortal but altogether unhappy habits, simply out of loneliness and emptiness and a feeling there’s no where it turn.
And I know that’s not true! In my better moments, I do know exactly where to turn - to you. To simply quiet myself and listen. You’ll find me there, won’t you?
Please help me to remember that, little sweetheart. Please help me to go on past the darkest moments when I’m so overwhelmed by my grief and solitude and hopelessness and to know it’s okay to feel this awful because it is awful. But it’s not the end. You stand at the other side of this divide and will catch me when I fall. I just need to push through, have faith.
It’s hard. It’s supposed to be hard. How could it not be?! But your shining soul, your infinite goodness remains. Please help me remember that, little sweetheart. Even if I need to crumple in a heap to the floor and lay there weeping, help me to pass through, feeling all of it, to the other side and find you. You are my light. I love you with all my heart and soul.
Please help me to do better. For you. For us both. With all my love forever. Unto The Forever…
Sometimes, my darling, I’m just plunged into despair. Even, maybe especially, in moments when just before I seemed to have gotten myself together. I’m not drinking or about to hurt myself but I just lapse into other, slightly less mortal but altogether unhappy habits, simply out of loneliness and emptiness and a feeling there’s no where it turn.
And I know that’s not true! In my better moments, I do know exactly where to turn - to you. To simply quiet myself and listen. You’ll find me there, won’t you?
Please help me to remember that, little sweetheart. Please help me to go on past the darkest moments when I’m so overwhelmed by my grief and solitude and hopelessness and to know it’s okay to feel this awful because it is awful. But it’s not the end. You stand at the other side of this divide and will catch me when I fall. I just need to push through, have faith.
It’s hard. It’s supposed to be hard. How could it not be?! But your shining soul, your infinite goodness remains. Please help me remember that, little sweetheart. Even if I need to crumple in a heap to the floor and lay there weeping, help me to pass through, feeling all of it, to the other side and find you. You are my light. I love you with all my heart and soul.
Please help me to do better. For you. For us both. With all my love forever. Unto The Forever…
Saturday, March 29, 2014
No Deed Will Go Unpunished...
So, I have this old Nokia cellphone. It was the phone I had before and until Summer asked Mike to get me an iPhone for Xmas. For years I've had it plugged in saving my earliest text messages from her. Today I was cleaning and I noticed it wouldn't power up, so I plugged it in in the kitchen and let it charge. I could see the texts, but an alert kept coming up telling me to set the time and date. Finally I did. After that I couldn't get to the text menu. A different alert just kept flashing, "insert smart chip". I could see other options, especially call history, which had Summer's number, date and time of calls. Finally I thought maybe that old trick of turning it off and back on again. Now, it only shows the "insert smart chip alert". Guess I ruined it.
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