Home

It’s Easter Sunday, little sweetheart, and I woke up early to go to that nice little church I’ve been telling you about. I’m really beginning to feel a shift – not in the way I love or miss or long for you, that is eternal, unchanging – but in how I get through these inexplicable days now. It’s such a contrast, I want to tell you.

I went to the theatre last night and really understood why I hadn’t been in so long – I don’t belong there anymore. There are so many things that used to be a part of my life, even seemed important, that just hold nothing for me anymore. Not without you here, my darling. I find myself doing my best, feeling the most right, when I’m at something mindful. And that’s not so easy to find always. It means letting go of things that once were routine and familiar. The letting go of those things, surprisingly, is not the hardest part. Sometimes, like last night, it just becomes so very clear. Sitting there – and also milling about with all the noisy, fussy, pretty people before and after – I could just feel and see with such clarity that I did not belong, that this wasn’t anything to do with the world I exist in now. It seemed foreign, strangely. Unrecognizable. Was it so different? Was it me? Was it both? It didn’t make me sad at all. I just had no reason to be there. It no longer spoke to me.

By contrast, this morning, even tho’ I didn’t feel good – I think I’m coming down with something, little sweetheart, this winter has gone on one day too long! – I got myself up and out of the house and I was glad to get to the lovely Sunday service. I felt better being there. And people were welcoming and friendly and knew my name and knew of you – I love talking to people about you, my love, I showed a young couple there who’ve been so nice to me a picture of you & I together in Carmel and your name was in the bulletin because I made a donation for the flower fund that decorated the altar today. I felt I was in the right place. And I felt you with me. Even tho’ you weren’t too big on church, your shining light of love would be so perfect here at my side, and I know you’re with me.

Afterward, on the walk home, I felt very tired - I fell right into bed and napped most of the afternoon – and a bit sad and so very lonely, my sweetheart. So very lonely without you. I don’t know why I’m still alive, to be honest, darling. I can’t imagine what more there is for me to do. How to go on. I just want more than anything to die myself and be with you where you are. All I want is for you to come collect me. And I guess while I wait the best thing I can do is just try to be nice and quiet and listen for you and try to find the places that feel at least a little bit right, where I feel I might belong a little, to let go of everything else so inconsequential, until I’m truly home. Because home is you, Summer. Home is you, my love, my beautiful angel, my little sweetheart. You are my home.