Little sweetheart, for a little girl who dreamed of working in England, who grew up and studied there and lived in London for a short time after, I thought you'd be pleased to know you were on the radio live on London's Resonance FM tonight.
The band made its London radio debut over the course of the weekend, featured on shows both Friday night and this evening, your soaring vocals floating above the guitars on "View" and your speaking voice weaving through the instrumental "Thirteen", every note, every word about and for you.
It's a bit of a milestone for us both, little sweetheart - don't you think? - finding our way to the airwaves in London, at last. Friday's show featured two tracks from our latest, Til Morning Is Nigh and tonight's presented ones from Dream Together. Both hosts had very kind words for us and it was really quite thrilling, but I think I was especially moved hearing "Thirteen", because it had been a while since I had. It made me think so very deeply about you and I just sat here and cried and cried.
I know you're much nearer than I can even imagine and for that, as I am for every way in which you've touched and graced and blessed my life, I am so very very grateful. With all my love forever.
Monday, March 25, 2019
Monday, March 18, 2019
In Every Thought
I'm thinking of you so very deeply today and every day, little sweetheart.
Was up late last night assembling the video and then had physical therapy this afternoon. It's very moving sometimes to see everyone there working so hard, from different levels, at different points in their recovery.
One very nice lady there, always kind and cheerful, is recovering from some severe nerve damage to her hands. She's just one of the many people I feel a kind of kinship with. I went over to talk to her just a little before the end of my session and I told her what today was. She asked if she could pray for us and I closed my eyes and we did just that.
Later, after I'd left and was doing some grocery shopping before heading home, I stopped at the little rectory across from Sacred Heart on W51st St. I often talk to the nuns there and sometimes bring cookies or something. I've gotten to know the Mother Superior, Sister Catherine, a little. I thought I'd stop by and see if she was there. So, I rang the bell and one of the other sisters answered. I asked after Sister Catherine but she wasn't there. I told her that I came by sometimes and what today was and asked if she could ask Sister Catherine to say a little prayer for you, if she could. The sister said, "how about right now?" and closed her eyes and began speaking. I closed my eyes too, as I stood there in the door and wept quietly as she said such a very nice prayer for you and I, asking God to envelope you in love and protection. Then we said the Lord's Prayer together, I thanked her and went about my way.
My way. Our way. My way is listen quietly for you and do as you whisper and guide me. Until that day, little sweetheart, when I may join you again and forever. My every thought and prayer is for you.
With all my love forever.
Was up late last night assembling the video and then had physical therapy this afternoon. It's very moving sometimes to see everyone there working so hard, from different levels, at different points in their recovery.
One very nice lady there, always kind and cheerful, is recovering from some severe nerve damage to her hands. She's just one of the many people I feel a kind of kinship with. I went over to talk to her just a little before the end of my session and I told her what today was. She asked if she could pray for us and I closed my eyes and we did just that.
Later, after I'd left and was doing some grocery shopping before heading home, I stopped at the little rectory across from Sacred Heart on W51st St. I often talk to the nuns there and sometimes bring cookies or something. I've gotten to know the Mother Superior, Sister Catherine, a little. I thought I'd stop by and see if she was there. So, I rang the bell and one of the other sisters answered. I asked after Sister Catherine but she wasn't there. I told her that I came by sometimes and what today was and asked if she could ask Sister Catherine to say a little prayer for you, if she could. The sister said, "how about right now?" and closed her eyes and began speaking. I closed my eyes too, as I stood there in the door and wept quietly as she said such a very nice prayer for you and I, asking God to envelope you in love and protection. Then we said the Lord's Prayer together, I thanked her and went about my way.
My way. Our way. My way is listen quietly for you and do as you whisper and guide me. Until that day, little sweetheart, when I may join you again and forever. My every thought and prayer is for you.
With all my love forever.
Necessary Weight
Thinking of you, little sweetheart. Today and always. Praying and longing for you.
Last night, before bed, I assembled and we released this morning this video of "Necessary Weight" (from Sometimes in Dreams) for you.
Love you forever.
Last night, before bed, I assembled and we released this morning this video of "Necessary Weight" (from Sometimes in Dreams) for you.
Love you forever.
Sunday, March 17, 2019
March 17th
St Patrick's Day will never be quite the same for me, little sweetheart, as it was the last full day that you were, however critically injured, still here on Earth.
It was the beginning of very dramatic 24 hours in your care, as well, because by the end of the day, we'd had what seemed like such promising news about your possibly recovery but by the next morning things were, inexplicably, far worse.
On St Patrick's Day itself, I stood at your bedside holding your hand for hours as I had done every day while you lay in the ICU. At one point a small priest wearing a huge cross came by. Had asked about you and I told him what a wonderful, kind, amazing girl you were - the love of my life. He asked if he could do anything and I asked him to please pray for you.
Later when I had to leave your room, only one or two people were allowed to be there at a time - and it's even possible you weren't there, I don't remember, you were taken to another floor that night so they could try and do an MRI to see if progress was being made - I was outside sitting on the floor by the elevators and the priest came by again. I wished him Happy St Patrick's Day and asked him again to pray for you, as I did.
As I do today, little sweetheart. With all my heart and soul I pray for your safe keeping in the beautiful new place and that I might join you there the moment that heaven allows. With all my love.
It was the beginning of very dramatic 24 hours in your care, as well, because by the end of the day, we'd had what seemed like such promising news about your possibly recovery but by the next morning things were, inexplicably, far worse.
On St Patrick's Day itself, I stood at your bedside holding your hand for hours as I had done every day while you lay in the ICU. At one point a small priest wearing a huge cross came by. Had asked about you and I told him what a wonderful, kind, amazing girl you were - the love of my life. He asked if he could do anything and I asked him to please pray for you.
Later when I had to leave your room, only one or two people were allowed to be there at a time - and it's even possible you weren't there, I don't remember, you were taken to another floor that night so they could try and do an MRI to see if progress was being made - I was outside sitting on the floor by the elevators and the priest came by again. I wished him Happy St Patrick's Day and asked him again to pray for you, as I did.
As I do today, little sweetheart. With all my heart and soul I pray for your safe keeping in the beautiful new place and that I might join you there the moment that heaven allows. With all my love.
Friday, March 15, 2019
A Way To Live
I’m so worried all the time, little sweetheart, about things that almost certainly don’t matter and pale entirely when I can focus in on what’s really important, The Only Thing That Mattered and does still - you. I went to bed last night in physical pain, emotionally and spiritually exhausted, just hoping sleep would somehow make things right. This morning as the sun danced into the room, glancing off your pictures and illuminating them with promise and presence, I spoke quietly to you, saying our prayer and then continuing, wishing I could somehow learn and hold to a better way to live.
I nearly died a few months ago. I technically and very really did - my heart stopped for 10 minutes. Why do I remain, if not to do our work, yes, and to find the moments of simple joy that you try to point me toward as I stumble forward.
Help me to live, however broken, with gratitude, my little sweetheart. With gratitude for your having found me, with gratitude for your guiding me, with gratitude that if I just quiet myself and listen, I’ll hear you nearer than I can imagine and find myself found by you again and forever.
I nearly died a few months ago. I technically and very really did - my heart stopped for 10 minutes. Why do I remain, if not to do our work, yes, and to find the moments of simple joy that you try to point me toward as I stumble forward.
Help me to live, however broken, with gratitude, my little sweetheart. With gratitude for your having found me, with gratitude for your guiding me, with gratitude that if I just quiet myself and listen, I’ll hear you nearer than I can imagine and find myself found by you again and forever.
Thursday, March 14, 2019
Vigil
These days of March are so very hard, little sweetheart. These days that mark the anniversary of your accident, your tragic passing and the ten days in between when we held our breath and a vigil around your room and bed praying for your recovery, your return.
These days, so calendar-close to the Christian ones of Lent and Easter, have, however mournful and shatteringly sad, an almost holy aura themselves. I go to Taize to light a candle and say our prayer and speak to you in the silence. I lay in bed in the morning a few minutes longer to speak to you as the sun fills the room. I wake to stir my memory of any visitation of your blessed presence in my dreams. I hurt, my little sweetheart and ache with such longing for you but I remember.
As I mark these days, these terribly sad days, I try my best to do as you would have and want me to. And I am buoyed by faith and the boundless, incandescent love you shared and blessed me with. I feel it still, this incredible, indescribable gift, this shining gift of you.
I’ll find my way to you somehow. I must, so I will.
With all my love forever.
These days, so calendar-close to the Christian ones of Lent and Easter, have, however mournful and shatteringly sad, an almost holy aura themselves. I go to Taize to light a candle and say our prayer and speak to you in the silence. I lay in bed in the morning a few minutes longer to speak to you as the sun fills the room. I wake to stir my memory of any visitation of your blessed presence in my dreams. I hurt, my little sweetheart and ache with such longing for you but I remember.
As I mark these days, these terribly sad days, I try my best to do as you would have and want me to. And I am buoyed by faith and the boundless, incandescent love you shared and blessed me with. I feel it still, this incredible, indescribable gift, this shining gift of you.
I’ll find my way to you somehow. I must, so I will.
With all my love forever.
Friday, March 8, 2019
Waking
Thinking of you always, little sweetheart, and very much so on this day, the anniversary of the last morning I woke with you in my arms. Please be close to me today, my angel, and guide me toward you to that moment when I may wake again, returned to your side. With all my love forever. Forever.
Wednesday, March 6, 2019
That Morning After
Little sweetheart, today is Ash Wednesday - rather unforgettable for it having been on March 9 in 2011, that morning after your accident.
From rushing to your side and tearing my shirt off to lay under and cradle your head, to rushing in a police car to the hospital where they had taken you and sitting on the floor outside the ICU waiting to able to finally see you, when the tears, overcoming the shock, broke through in a torrent that continues to this day and the sobs wracked my breathing, only ever one hard breath removed from me even now, I sat there. And as the night shift at SF General turned to the Wednesday morning one, I saw people arrive, both staff and visitors, with the sign of the cross in black ash marking foreheads.
It was an eerie almost surrealistic sight. And somehow quite appropriate. It signaled something urgent and other-worldly. In those days and hours that stay with me always I remember how my hand would involuntarily cover my mouth, a gesture of shock and grief, almost a cliche, but made now so true to my understanding. I think in those moments our souls very nearly leave our bodies, longing to join and merge with the most beloved - you.
It’s Ash Wednesday, little sweetheart, and my every thought, my every prayer, my entire being is with you. With all my love forever.
From rushing to your side and tearing my shirt off to lay under and cradle your head, to rushing in a police car to the hospital where they had taken you and sitting on the floor outside the ICU waiting to able to finally see you, when the tears, overcoming the shock, broke through in a torrent that continues to this day and the sobs wracked my breathing, only ever one hard breath removed from me even now, I sat there. And as the night shift at SF General turned to the Wednesday morning one, I saw people arrive, both staff and visitors, with the sign of the cross in black ash marking foreheads.
It was an eerie almost surrealistic sight. And somehow quite appropriate. It signaled something urgent and other-worldly. In those days and hours that stay with me always I remember how my hand would involuntarily cover my mouth, a gesture of shock and grief, almost a cliche, but made now so true to my understanding. I think in those moments our souls very nearly leave our bodies, longing to join and merge with the most beloved - you.
It’s Ash Wednesday, little sweetheart, and my every thought, my every prayer, my entire being is with you. With all my love forever.
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