New Year's Eve

It’s New Year’s Eve, little sweetheart. 

It was never much of holiday for me. Maybe when I was a little boy or something because we got to stay up until midnight - or least try to, I think I often fell asleep before it got that late. But as an adult it never meant much. 

And you and I never did New Year’s together, somehow. Part of it I think was because I was usually with my mom at Christmas until the year she passed away and then at Christmas that year, although I was with you in California, I had to come back to NYC to start rehearsals for something that week before Jan 1. It wasn’t terrible because you were coming to New York right after to be with me. 

I never had much of holiday on New Year’s Eve but I did spend several of the last few with your mom and dad since I was with them for Christmas and didn’t come back to New York until after Jan 1. A few years ago, I started making beef stroganoff each year on New Year’s Eve. Your dad, especially, liked that - even though he was often on call at the hospital that night - so it’s become a tradition. 

I’m on my own this year but I decided to make it, with chicken, instead. It came it pretty good. And I added what I think might become another tradition. 

Remember I told you about that amazing Portuguese movie I saw earlier this year, “The Strange Case of Angelica”? I decided to watch that. It’s the story of a young woman who tragically passes away. In the middle of the night, her wealthy family sends someone into town to find a photographer to take a last picture of her. He’s kind of unusual, a bit shy and no one quite knows what to make of him. He’s very earnest and sweet and when he looks through the lens, she opens her eyes and smiles at him. Only he can see her as she comes to life. 

And she keeps coming to him after that throughout the movie. Coming to his window one night in a beautiful sequence and taking him flying over the city through the night sky. In the end, (oops - spoiler alert!), after he’s hurt in an accident, she comes to him and takes him away with her. 

It’s incredibly beautiful, shot amazingly, like a series of paintings, almost. And, of course, it touches me because of its profound message of faith. 

A new tradition, right, little sweetheart? You so liked beginning them together with me. So, here’s another new at the beginning of a new year. 

With all my love forever.

Christmas Night

Little sweetheart, night has fallen here. It gets dark so much earlier this time of year - it’s only a little after 4pm. 

Because we can’t travel and I couldn’t be with your parents this year, I sent their gifts out to them in advance for them to open on the day. Your mom just texted me the loveliest message, including a picture of the three little things I got her. 

I think her one of her favorites are the four little figurines of cardinals I found at Victoria Trading Company. Cardinals are such magical little creatures and legend has it that when you see one, it means someone very dear to you who has passed on has come to visit you. Remember, I was telling you about that just a few weeks ago here? You mom really liked the little cardinals, sweetheart. 

And the other thing that I  think was her favorite was the new charm I gave her for her charm bracelet. Did I ever tell you this, little sweetheart? Remember at our last Christmas together, I got you several presents? I think your favorite was that pink angora sweater from Victoria’s Secret. But I also got one of Joy’s famous silver charm bracelets with two charms to start your collection. You liked the bracelet but you were very honest - you weren’t crazy about one of the charms I had picked out! Ha! It was a high heeled shoe. You actually went online to Joy’s site and found several more you liked better. Since Joy offered to exchange the charms if I sent them back to her in London, we thought we’d send the whole bracelet too so she could affix the new charms. 

Tragically, we never got to do that. But I still had the bracelet and the next year for Christmas, I decided to give it to your mom, so I could give her a new charm to add each year and - like with everything - in memory of you, my sweet girl. 

All the charms she has so far are sterling silver but this one adds a little bit of color - it’s a frosted cupcake! And your mom absolutely loves it. It’s very cute and, of course, puts one in mind of you and your famous cupcakes - how you loved baking and frosting incredibly complicated cupcakes! - immediately. 

Christmasses are hard, little sweetheart, honestly - I miss you so. But doing things in remembrance seems to bring you somehow closer on the day. 

Please be with me tonight, won’t you, my angel? And take me to you the moment heaven will allow. With all my love at Christmas - and always!
 

Christmas Afternoon

Little sweetheart, I sure am missing you today. 

Thinking, as I often do, about our beautiful last Christmas together at your folks’ house. The wonderful gift they gave me as you sat beside me on the sofa. 

Unwrapping it, I could see it was in a box, kind of like one a pocket watch would come in. When I opened it, I discovered it was actually a silver compass with engraving on the opposite said. It said exactly what you father said to me as the two of them looked on - “so you can always find us”. 

I burst into tears, little sweetheart, at this incredible kindness and you held me in your arms. 

How I love you! How I love forever, my little sweetheart. Forever! Happy Christmas, Summer.

Christmas Morning

It’s Christmas Day, little sweetheart. It started early, with a London radio broadcast at 8am our time here in NYC. We were back on Max Reinhardt’s show on Soho Radio. He played “Snowfall” from Deux Anges and had such wonderful things to say about it, addressing all three of us that I have to share it here for you now:

"Well, that's the first sign of snowfall this year, anyway. That was Bipolar Explorer from their album Deux Anges and it's on Slugg Records. And, um, I have to say - hi, there, Summer & Sylvia & Michael, if you're all listening. And you're all in very different places and very different dimensions, I know, but I just have to say, the more you listen to the album, the double-album, the better it gets! And it's all so different! That one ("Snowfall") is, uh, somehow or other, somewhere between Sonic Youth and "The Twelve Dreams of Dr. Sardonicus" ! But, anyway, very fine!

Isn’t that just terribly nice, little sweetheart? Merry Christmas, my gorgeous girl. Listen, you’re on the radio!

With You

Little sweetheart, I was just thinking about something. It really made me so very happy. 

I was thinking of you, of course, but remember that time we were driving around running a few errands for you? We were almost done, in the homestretch, back in your neighborhood in the Inner Sunset. You just had to run into the bank for a minute. There wasn’t a proper parking place, so I stayed in the car. 

While I was waiting, I tuned in the Celtics game radio broadcast on the NBA app on my phone. I was so engrossed, I didn’t see you returning. I just heard the passenger door click up as you got inside, looking up to see your beautiful face. 

I started to turn off the broadcast but you told me to leave it on, saying, with a smile, “I like it. It let’s me know I’m with a boy.” 

That was a so very sweet, my darling you girl. I’ve been thinking of that today for a hour. How I love you!

Listen and Remember

I’m sitting here tonight switching through the channels on Sling, little sweetheart, and I saw that The Wizard of Oz was on. It doesn’t matter where I pick up watching that - the beginning, middle or end - randomly, it just always breaks my heart because of how thoroughly my thoughts are filled with you. 

Of course, you famously played Dorothy - I think you were 12, is that right? - in the production at the Chico Light Opera company. People were still talking about it 20 years later and it had been such a big thing early in your life, it’s how you’d first worked with and met Coy. 

I remember one time you and I set out on a long walk from your apartment in the Inner Sunset all through Golden Gate Park and finally winding up down by Ocean Beach. It had begun to rain and we ducked into quite a nice restaurant. You’d wanted to take me there anyway, so we got ourselves a table by the window. A little jazz trio was playing and at one point they began to play “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”. I held your hand and looked into your eyes and cried and cried and cried. 

How I love you! How I still do! How I always will! 

I remember you telling me once - remember exactly where we were, I was driving your Prius and we were on the way to go grocery shopping at Andronico’s. It was shortly after my mom had died and you propped my up that whole week. I couldn’t have gotten through it without you - As we drove you said something to me about your own death. You thought I would probably outlive you and you asked two things - that I speak at your funeral or memorial and that I listen to our songs, like what we were playing on the car stereo just then and all of our songs - and think of you. 

The Wizard of Oz is like that. It’s so hard to take it on and not fall apart with longing and grief. But I try. And I love you my little sweetheart. 

Love you forever.

Two Starlings

Little sweetheart, some mornings, either still in bed or like just now, at my desk, I’ll hear some sweet little bird singing. 

Often, when I look up, I’ll spot them on the railing outside the window. Today, just now, I couldn’t quite see where he was. But when I got up, slowly so I wouldn’t frighten him, and looked round the corner, I could see not just one, but two pretty little starlings singing together. I’ve never had a duet before! It was is very sweet. I turned off the music I had had in and sat here very quietly and just watched and listened. 

I feel so close to you somehow when birds come to visit. I know you’re closer than I can imagine. Thank you, little sweetheart, for being near me today. And please take me to you the moment heaven will allow. 

With all my love forever.

First Snowfall

Little sweetheart, we’ve had our first snowfall of year! 

I knew about it ahead of time - they’ve been saying we get a foot and a half! So, I loaded in a few groceries to make a big pot of chili and batter for a second batch of Christmas cookies (the ones you like!), so I can bake them tomorrow. 

How I wish you were here to watch it come down with me - and I know, somehow, you are. It’s snowed and snowed through the night and won’t stop until something late tomorrow morning. We’ll wake to the full result. 

And I’ll wake, someday, someday soon, again in your arms. Oh, my love. How I love you. Forever. Forever.

Best Albums of 2020

Remember, little sweetheart, I was just telling you about all the wonderful, lovely airplay Deux Anges has been getting? Well, last weekend something extraordinary happened... 

Max Reinhardt - the legendary longtime host of BBC Radio 3’s great Late Junction - featured us on his show on London’s Soho Radio. And not just any show - his Best of 2020. And not just on the three hour show - he closed the show with us! “Infinity Hall” (which seems to kinda becoming the single) ended the program - his Best Releases of the Year - and he introduced us with these words: 

"And... Bipolar Explorer. Well... there is hauntology at work. Hauntology right in the center of their work."

From your days at Oxford, little sweetheart, to my days working in London as a writer, to our times, finally, together there, I think it would be hard to find two more Anglophile Americans than you & I, don't you? And an not unsubstantial part of that was listening, on both sides of the Atlantic, to Max - and John Peel and Verity Sharp - on BBC. Pretty heady stuff for us, isn't it little sweetheart? 

Listen, you're on the radio!

Across The Airwaves

Little sweetheart, Deux Anges has been getting so much nice radio play it’s almost hard to even remember it all! 

KFJC has been playing tracks from the album across about a dozen shows and nearly every day! The wonderful post-rock show in The Netherland’s -DeMist - has had us on three different weeks. Several shows on London’s Resonance FM, including a brand new one we really like, Fog Cast - which is a weekly hour of ambient and dark ambient music devoted nearly half the show to the album, playing 5 tracks, ending with your soaring vocals fading out into the next show. Our beloved hometown WFMU, too, has played us numerous different programs and several online stations from Canada to Germany to the UK have followed suit. 

We’re so delighted and grateful. Listen little sweetheart, you’re on the radio!

Middlechurch

Little sweetheart, there’s such sad news this morning. There’s been a terrible fire in the wee hours of the morning at Middle Collegiate Church downtown and much of it has been lost. 

Middlechurch is the sister church to little one that I go to on the Upper West Side, West End Collegiate. And Middlechurch is also the church your dear friend Coy used to attend when he lived here in NYC. No one’s quite sure how the fire started, fireman were called to the scene around 4am. 

Because of the pandemic, none of us have been able to gather at either church since last March. Services - like that lovely candlelight one I used to go to on Wednesday nights - have been held, such as they can approximate it, on Zoom, these many months. And tonight there’s a vigil to held on Zoom, so people, especially those of the Middlechurch congregation, can voice their feelings, their sorrow, their prayers, their memories. It’s at 7pm tonight. I’ll be looking in. 

I haven’t been able to reach Coy yet. I texted him and finally decided I should leave him a voicemail. It’s terribly sad. 

I love you.

12th Month

Little sweetheart, it’s December 1. I’ve turned over the page on the calendar in the kitchen - it’s all paintings by French Impressionisnts - and this month’s is a group scene with a girl who looks so very much like you. 

Christmas is on the way. It’ll be my first not with your parents. You and I had the most lovely Christmas with them ten years ago. It was my first Christmas with them. And I’ve been with them every year since then. All but one, out in California. One year they came here to New York and stayed at The Excelsior - that cozy little hotel on the Upper West Side by the planetarium, where my mom always stayed and your own mom came to like so much. 

It’ll feel funny to not be with them this year, little sweetheart, but we can’t travel with this awful pandemic still going on. I’m shopping now for their gifts and will send them on so they have them before Christmas Day. 

Sure am missing you right now. So, I’ll just quiet down a little and say our prayer. I know you’re nearer than I can imagine. With all my love forever.