Full Heart Present

Today I went down to Davis, little sweetheart, to meet up with Noah. We often do this when I’m out in NorCal. He drives over from work in Sacramento and we meet at The Angel, at the little resting place where I know you aren’t exclusively, I know your spirit flies unencumbered by time or space and that you simply alight places, like here, to let me know you’re with and to comfort me. Thank you, sweetheart. I arrived before noon, stopping first as you and I always did when we first pulled up into Davis, before even going to the house, at The Nugget Market. I bought some nice roses for you and then headed over. I was tidying things up there and arranging your flowers when Noah arrived. He likes to come and talk to your brother, my love, just like I do with you and he told me I’m the only other person he knows who will come here and meet him.

We talked for a long while, nearly an hour – about you both, about Noah’s lovely parents and yours, about Noah’s two little boys, and that he and his wife and your brother’s friends Pat & Nicole might all come to New York for a visit this spring. Noah already had the iTunes version of our Christmas record, my sweetheart, but the CDs came out while I’ve been here in California, so I gave him two copies. There’s a gorgeous picture of you on the back (and two more inside) on the roof of our apartment building in NYC during our first snowfall that season just before Christmas. We talked for quite a while, as I say, and finally he had to get back to work. So, I hugged him and he said goodbye and walked back to his car. I watched him drive off. And then, as I stood there alone, slowly sitting down, almost immediately after, to talk to you, my heart became so full and heavy, my little sweetheart. And I cried and cried.

Oh, how I miss you, my darling girl! With all my heart and soul I do. It makes my whole body tremble with sadness and grief and longing. And I get so very sad, so heart-shatteringly sad and terribly terribly lonely. But, ya know, sweetheart – it’s good to cry for you, my love. I’m glad in a way that I feel this, feel you so strongly always. For I know that means that you are with me. Both here and everywhere. I know from this feeling that you are doing your best to break through the invisible barriers that keep me from seeing you where you are, so not-very-far-away, nearly next to me sometimes. I know that you’re doing your best to let me know that. And I know that one day soon we will be together again and forever. I just need to be fully present with an open heart, so open that it can be filled to its very brim with all of you, my angel. My beautiful angel.