Note (from you) to (my )Self

Little sweetheart, I've been so sad all day. I have days like this when I really can't do anything, can barely move, and only want to go back to bed and stay there and hope to dream of you and that you will take me. Before I finally brought the day to its sad close tonight, I wrote these words down. They came to me in a way that I often feel things do - as a little encouragement from you, at the remove you cannot fully traverse but do your best to reach me by thought, by dream, by signs, by portents, by events too full of resonance to be simply coincidental. You do your best, I know, my little sweetheart, to comfort me and give me faith. And these words came to me. I know you meant me to write and embrace them and to sleep knowing you are with me as near as heaven just now may allow:

"...You do have things to do yet with your life before you die. And I know you have a lot of bad days, and this was one of them, when you just wish it could be over. When you're so desperately alone and ache for your girl. But there are things to do. Just a few more of them. Not for recognition or material gain but simply because they're inside you and true and must be set down regardless of who finds or heeds them. There's a purity in it because it's not about anything but her and the love that made life, at least for some small time, for a handful of years, a joy and worth living. You do have things to do. Do them in these next 8 months that remain of this year. And have faith. Have faith in God and your sweetheart. As ever: for Summer..."

Foundation

Little sweetheart, I was watching a baseball game the other night (you know I follow the SF Giants and your dad & I often text each other back and forth during the games). There have been long periods in my life when I was completely oblivious (and rather arrogantly proud to be so) of sport. But I've noticed in times of loss - when my father died, and my mom, and in the horrible aftermath of your own tragic passing - that I find my way to it, somehow. There's something comforting, especially in baseball, with its leisurely pace and in the fact that they play almost every day. There's something comforting about having the game on and listening to Kruk and Kuip, the Giants announcers, call the game. Kinda like having two old pals around for a few hours each day watching the game with me, seeing the sweeping views of the beautiful city where we used to live and shots of happy, festive onlookers - lots of families, sometimes babes in arms - in the stands.

Anyway, the other night when I was watching, the opposing pitch let fly with a wild throw that went high and wide past the catcher and careened off the backstop. Kruk said something about that as they showed the replay. You see his plant foot kind of slide when it's meant to stay rooted. Something had given way on the mound when he released the ball. Kruk described it as "losing his foundation". And that phrase struck me so profoundly, my little sweetheart, because I believe that very much describes my own state of being.

I've lost my foundation - you. You. The angel and anchor that kept me grounded and loved and safely held in your arms and eyes and heart. Every morning is waking to that again and again. I've lost my foundation. And I am so very shaky and alone without you. Every day I try to slowly get back on my feet for the duration. Do a little work. Be kind. Be mindful. Listen for you. Pray. Pray that I may be returned to you soon and forever. And to wake - maybe this next time after I lay my head down at the end of the day, at the end of the night, after the end of the game - in your arms and care in The Forever. May it be soon. May it be tonight. May you find and take me in the morning. Reset my foundation. Return me to you. With all my love... m

On This Day...

It's my birthday, little sweetheart. It will always be twinned with you and these words I spoke on a day we were meant to be together but instead was the occasion of your memorial five years ago. In a way, that is as it should be - my life is forever twinned to yours, as is my soul. And one day, I know, we will be together again and forever. With all my love...

Still Burning

A friend was telling me, little sweetheart, about a dream she had looking out the window of a plane and seeing me on the ground as she flew into Heathrow. I like seeing London from the plane, too. One time, it turned out to be just before I met you, my darling, and  - although I didn't know it yet - on what was quite near your birthday, I flew into Heathrow at night and could see fires burning everywhere. Like little campfires all across London and then fireworks. It was Guy Fawkes night. Very auspicious for the imminent entrance of the little redheaded flame - you, my angel - who was about to consume my life...

Lanterns On The Lake - Beings (The Quay Sessions)

Darling Summer, here's a live BBC version of the title track from this album that is capturing my imagination - it's so very you & I! I'm playing it over and over. These lines get me and I pray to be returned to you!


He said, "Tell me, are you coming back?"
I (She)said, "Darling, if the creeks don't rise"

If the creeks don't rise, you'll see me again

All For You

I took this picture last night, little sweetheart, before the lovely Taize service I've been telling you about. I read the poem and lit a candle, saying a prayer for you, saying our prayer for you, for us, forever. May I be returned to you soon. Love you with all my heart and soul, my beautiful angel.

On this day...

When I looked into Facebook this morning, little sweetheart, there was a "memory" there of a text post, a status update with a list of song titles. It ended with an ellipsis, mid-set list and the word "more", although clicking on it didn't reveal any more of the original post. Nonetheless, I recognized immediately that the collection of song titles was the set list of the wonderful Leonard Cohen show you took me to for an early birthday present. You'd already gotten tickets - super secret, you told me - for something closer to the day but this was something you couldn't resist, so you wanted to take me to see this too, my little sweetheart. No one ever does things like that for me. Only you. And what a great night it was. The concert was in a beautiful restored art deco theatre in Oakland (could it have been the Paramount, maybe?) that reminded of Radio City. We had fantastic seats far down in the orchestra, a little to house right on the aisle. He came out and played a wonderful 90 minute set and we were totally knocked out, only to discover that he was taking a short break and coming back for another hour-long second one. When the show was over, we walked holding hands sweetly, into the warm spring California night and drove back across the bridge to San Francisco and your neighborhood of the Inner Sunset. Before we got to your house, we stopped off at a deli there, on Judah, I think, for a treat to take home. You went straight to the ice cream freezer and then beckoned me over. "I think you better come here," you said. You pointed to a special edition pint of Ben & Jerry's Gingersnap. "Oh, my god," I blurted. "Better get two of them," you replied. I think every day I was with you, my little sweetheart, vies for the title of Best Day of My Life. I love you with all my heart and soul. And I can't wait to be called and returned to you in The Forever. My darling, soulmate, true love, best friend. Wonderful, magical you.

Lanterns On The Lake - Beings [Full album stream]

Little sweetheart, I heard a really beautiful song on Irene Trudel's show on Tuesday. It's from a band called Lanterns On The Lake. It sorta sounds like Beach House or maybe Goldfrapp fronting The National. I know you would love it. And if that's not enough, I discovered that the latest record, the album from which Irene played the title track, was released last year on your birthday. Of course. Of course... Love you forever.

Just thinking...

Little sweetheart, I'm thinking right now of a story your mom told me - that when you were a little girl your class went on a field trip to a farm and you were very excited to see all the animals but were a bit upset when they fed the pigs to see how they swarmed and ate everything in sight and in a hurry. "Well," you were reported to have said quite sternly, "I can see why they call them pigs!" Is there anyone sweeter than you in the entire history of the world, my darling? I think not. Love you forever.

Celestial Transmission

I was dreaming of you last night. We were together and singing along to a song on the radio. It's was really lovely and in 3/4 time. I woke somehow and it was the middle of the night, I realized that this was a song you were giving me, a song you were writing with me right now! So, I grabbed my phone and sang all I could remember into a voice memo. I can't wait to work on it. My miracle girl. Isn't that what I always called you? You are. Love you forever...

Sunday morning

I haven't been able to go to Sunday services at that little church I told you about for the last little while, little sweetheart but I went two weeks ago and today and last week, too, when it was Easter. They had a "flower offering" - you could give a little donation ahead of time and on Easter it would go toward all the pretty flowers, lilies and azaleas, that decorate the altar. You could dedicate the flowers to someone. So, of course, I dedicated some to you. I did last year, too. Sunday services are a bit different from the Wednesday Taize ones. And to be perfectly honest, I like the quiet, candlelit Wednesday ones better. But both are good for being an hour of mindfulness when I can sit and think of you and pray for you and pray to be with you again soon. Many days are hard, my little sweetheart, without you. Somehow, weekends seem even harder. It's good to go to service, I like its mindfulness and I get very emotional. I've been crying all day, sweetheart. That happens a lot. Many days I'm simply in tears. I feel drained, exhausted, even dehydrated after. You'd tell me to drink an entire glass of water, wouldn't you, my love? So, I try to remember to do that. I feel horribly sad and terribly lost. I often feel that way, little sweetheart. But in a way, I don't mind feeling sad. It's supposed to hurt. I love thinking about you. So, even missing you so painfully is to also feel your presence somehow, to feel a connection, that once-in-a-lifetime connection. I'm so blessed to have been found by you. I've been thinking all this today, little sweetheart. Now, I need to lie down. But I didn't want to fall asleep with telling you all this. Now, I need to lie down. It's my favorite time of day, often. Lying down and talking to you as I fall asleep. Saying a quiet prayer. Hoping if not in the morning, then maybe the next one, that when I wake, I'll be with you in The Forever. Someday it will be so, won't it, Summer. Someday. Someday soon, I hope. With all my love forever...