Dream 3 video

Little sweetheart, I'm going to listen back to Deux Anges in its entirety today but two songs from our earlier album Dream Together are so very much on my mind as I feel your beautiful spirit draw near to guide and comfort me, today. 

The first of them is here: "Dream 3" - which literally came to me in a dream. The melody came wafting to me in sleep and I rushed to capture it in the dark, singing it wordlessly into my phone. The lyrics, too, particularly the bridge - which describes an actual dream I had of you, appearing to me within the waters of a fountain, beckoning me to join you, the cool mist about us as you kissed me. 

How I love you! Forever! 

Guiding Star of Goodness

Little sweetheart, I'm so grateful for you. 

For a thousand thousand reasons. The great gift of your love, how you helped to mend and heal the ache in my heart. How you held me, your hand gently stroking the well of my chest and called me your treasure. Over and over. How you helped me see more goodness in the world. 

The other night I suddenly got this old Jackson Browne song in my head, I know you know the one. I looked for it online, finding a video of him and his band playing it. I watched it over and over in tears, thinking of you. 

How I long for you, how I miss you, how I love, how grateful I am for you. I remembered that this was probably a song I wouldn't have thought twice about before you came into my life and grew my heart with your incandescent beautiful spirit. And I shared the video with both your mom and dad. Sent it to each of them, musing how was it possible I could have once overlooked this song, so earnestly and beautifully hopeful. I needed you to show me. 

As I still do. As I pray for your celestial visitations as I lay asleep, as well as in the daylight hours. You and your enduring goodness. 

Please help and guide me always. And take me to you the moment heaven will allow. With all my love forever. 

Kissed in Dreams

 You were in any dreams last night, little sweetheart!

I didn't remember it all, and it was one of those that is swirling and changes locations and times and characters, but there you were - with me. And the best part was this wonderful moment together.

We were in front of a mirror, pulled close together on our way somewhere back into the atmosphere of the dream, and you kissed me deeply and told me how very much you loved me.

Oh my goodness! Thank you! I needed so very much to have you visit and comfort me. It always makes me feel better, and that I’m on the right track. Thank you thank you thank you.

Always A Good Sign

I’m trying to do better, little sweetheart. This long lockdown found me barely leaving the house for almost three months, just going around the corner maybe twice a week for groceries. As things have eased slightly, I’ve been starting up first with longer walks and now also trying to get back to running.

A lot of things went missing from a healthier routine during this time and I’ve found myself not feeling too well in general. Getting back, mindfully, into a better space, a better routine, better days, I was blessed last night by a visit from you in dreams.

I always know I’m on a better track when you appear to me and last night was especially wonderful, as we were very in synch and together, indeed quite intimate, if that’s not too saucy to mention. I felt so close to you my little sweetheart, and that means the world to me.

Thank you for helping and guiding me. I love you so very much, love you forever.

Restless

I’m not sleeping well just now, little sweetheart.

Sometimes the silver lining is that waking so often during the night, I better remember what dreams I’ve just been yanked from, but sadly that is not exactly the case just now. I need to relax. To quiet my mind before going to bed, so I’m going to endeavor to do just that.

But I do know that you’ve been hovering in my dreams, even though I can’t quite put a finger on recalling them with any detail. I know you’re there. And that is the best of good signs.

Please do help me to hang on and know, wont you, little sweetheart? And thank you for coming near to guide me. With all my love forever.

In Dreams (This Morning)

I don’t always remember my dreams, little sweetheart, and even when I do, I don’t always remember nearly enough details as I wish I would, but I always feel so very blessed just to know that you have come close in sleep and touched me with your presence, brushed me with your angel wings.

Even if only that is all I can recall - that you alighted however briefly in my dreams - I feel a surge of love and protection enveloping me.

Admittedly, I weep in frustration at not being able to reach into my consciousness and pull the details back fully into the light of day so I may write them down here in a flurry, celebrate and commit them to memory. But at least I know you have been with me, as you were last night.

And that alone is something to treasure, My Treasure, and to be grateful for.

With all my love forever.

A Backwards Glance... forward!

I’m always so grateful to be visited by you in dreams, little sweetheart. I took too long the other day after waking to write down what I remembered. Darn it all! But I do have some memory of one last night.

It’s a bit blurry and short on details but what I do remember is that I was with you in someone’s car. They were driving and you were in the passenger seat with my right behind you in the back one. They had a lot of things to ask you and since they were giving us both a ride you were very conscientious to answer them but you did keep stealing glances back at me to let me know you were with me.

It reminded me of that time we were at a play together with Chris and Sheri and you came at the last minute but could only get a seat not with the three of us but several rows behind. All through the play I kept turning around with my back to the stage and my eyes reaching out to you with such longing! And you returned my desperate gaze with the kindest look in your own eyes as if to say, “I know, I know but just watch the play right now and we’ll be together as soon as it’s over, in no time at all, just the blink of an eye.” 

May that be so, my little sweetheart. May I be with you soon, again and forever, in just the blink of an eye. How very much I long for you, my True Love. My Angel.
 

Visited!

Little sweetheart, I had my first dream last night where you came to me in the hospital. God knows (literally) that is the last place I want to be again let alone dream about but it was also in that kind of dreamlike way where a place is both like a place you know and completely different at the same time. It was, in a way, more like being home and more like you coming to take me home, too.

You were very concerned and concentrated on making sure i was taking the medication they'd prescribed me. And I ... was overjoyed at the sight of you.

Sometimes in dreams, you and I are as once we were, as we were before all that's befallen, and fine. Other times, in dreams that can sometimes be darker even in the light of your presence, the terrible thing has occurred but you're either still here or returned.

In this dream, somehow, you had never gone but were simply 'laying low', having wanted to get away from all the things that were confounding your life and just quietly regroup. You were here now both out of concern for me and also to let me in on your secret, sorry that you hadn't been able to before but knowing that wherever I was would be the first place they'd come looking. So, like a relocated witness under Federal protection, you'd had to keep up the fiction even with me.

But you were here now, in my arms and altogether real and whatever happened before was past, the future ours and forever.

I'm not sure exactly what the dream may foretell but it seems altogether hopeful, uncannily current and, as ever, comes as a relief and blessing - because whenever you alight in my sleep, my treasure, I am again and finally whole. How grateful I am!

With all my love forever.

Blessed With Signs

Little sweetheart, I’m trying my best to try my best. And when I do, I feel your presence ever so keenly.

I love when you find me in dreams. I’m not often good at remembering them - the details or even the larger picture, but I know when you’ve been with me. It fortifies me through the day.

Sometimes, the morning light will hit a picture of yours illuminating it celestially or the light will manifest itself in a floating, shimmering shape than seems to dance before me and I know that you are near.

Birds sometimes alight at the window only an arm’s length from me here at my desk or will greet me on my morning run along the frozen river, cheering and encouraging me, as I know you do.

And sometimes in a store or on the street or even, incredibly, in the hall of our building just today, I will recognize your signature scent, as sweet as cotton candy or the loveliest of birthday cakes.

I am blessed beyond comprehension when these signs of your eternal presence make themselves known to me, my angel.

May I do as you wish and urge me. May I quiet myself and listen. May I serve and honor you. Now and right to the very moment when you are finally allowed to come collect and take me to your side again and forever. May I be steadfast. May I be true.

In all things, I love you my darling girl. Forever. With the Truest Love. Forever. Always.

Celestial Transmission

I was dreaming of you last night. We were together and singing along to a song on the radio. It's was really lovely and in 3/4 time. I woke somehow and it was the middle of the night, I realized that this was a song you were giving me, a song you were writing with me right now! So, I grabbed my phone and sang all I could remember into a voice memo. I can't wait to work on it. My miracle girl. Isn't that what I always called you? You are. Love you forever...

January

Today is January 19th, my little sweetheart. Over the course of six days in January are two rather bitter anniversaries for me.

On January 13th, 1991 (when I was just kid, I now know), my father passed away suddenly of a heart attack. His wife found him on the sofa. He'd come downstairs early that morning, made coffee and died watching the news without her being there to wake and help him.

And on January 19th, 2007, my friend and theatre mentor, Curt Dempster, passed away. He, too, was found - by the superintendent of his apartment building. It was a secret (not a very well-kept one) for sometime, but I think it's allowable now to say that, sadly, he took his own life.

The loss of these two men - one, something of a father figure and the other, my actual father (who I feel I never really got to know as a man) - are something that I carried with me and that you deeply understood when I first met you.

You did your best to heal me, my little sweetheart. Your extraordinary kindness and hyper-vigilant love wrapped me in a blanket of protection. You, my darling girl, are the very reason for which I was born. I know that. I think I knew that very early in our acquaintance, even before I had fallen so deeply in love with you. Something in you resonated deep inside my being, bypassing my brain and shaking me to my core. My soul recognized you. I think that's why I wept every time we parted, even if only for a fortnight, even if knowing I would soon be with you, even if we'd already booked the next flight, made plans for the next adventure.

There is simply no one like you, my little sweetheart. How could there be?! That is as it should be. You, my gorgeous girl, my True One, my beautiful spirit, are the other half of my soul. How I long to fly to you! And I remember, on these cold and bitter January days, just how close our paths were beginning to draw near one and another. How God was bringing them to cross and converge. You understood loss and love more than anyone I have ever known. And what's more, you had more natural empathy, too.

Your love saved me, my little sweetheart. I knew it from the first. And I, like my father and my friend, will cross into The Forever, too. Soon, I hope, my love. And I will again know your kindness. I will know your touch. I will know our love, which can never perish. And I - we - will be one again.

As you told me, as you comforted me in my dreams with the message that I now wear so proudly tattooed upon my inside forearm to remind me always - Our Oneness Can Never Be Erased.

I love you, Summer. With all my heart and soul I do. Until that Day! Until that day!

With love & faith,

Michael

The Light

Before I went to sleep last night, little sweetheart, I was looking at some of your first texts to me. And when I woke up this morning, although I couldn't remember in detail, I know that you were with me in dreams. In dreams last night and early into the morning today we were together, my love. You came and visited and stayed with me til well past dawn. And I am grateful. And moved to tears. Always be with me, my sweetheart. Don't go too far away. And please take me with you so very soon, won't you, my love?

Mother's Day

Thinking of you today, little sweetheart, and our moms – yours and mine – and how you yourself wanted to raise a child with me and be a mommy yourself... I held an infant in my arms last week, sweetheart. This nice couple I’ve gotten to know have a nearly-newborn, and that day, the mom was on her own. She was trying to gather everything up on her way out, I asked if I could help and she said “can you hold him for a minute?”. As she wrestled with the baby sling, attempting to secure its finicky snaps, I took her tiny charge in my arms. I’d never held a baby before, sweetheart. I didn’t tell her that until after (!). I was surprised how warm he felt. And he locked eyes with me, smiling, and gripped my index finger tightly in his little fist. That night I had a dream and you were with me, my love. We were eating pizza, you improving your slice with your go-to condiments of seasoned salt and lemon pepper, and my mom came in. When you got up for a second, she told me that the two of you had been talking and that you had told her many things about your own mother - all those great stories of your epic, beautiful childhood - and how much you loved her. I asked when did you two talk and she said “we were over there, by the window.” When you sat back down, you’d brought me a gift. I opened the box. There was a watch inside. And you kissed me. Is it almost time, my love? It’s Mother’s Day and these are some of my thoughts. Is it almost time? I’ll look for you two in every window until then…

Wake from dreaming...

When I woke this morning it was from a dream with you, little sweetheart! So, I grabbed my phone and spoke everything I could remember into a voice memo. I just listened back to it and it's a little groggy and a little intimate and I'm speaking to you, as I often do, but the gist is this: we were all out grocery shopping - or at the market as you would say. We'd all broken up into small groups of hunter gatherers and after meeting up again at the checkout, we wheeled the shopping cart - I did actually - out to the parking lot. But no one could remember where we'd parked. We couldn't find the car anywhere. Also, none of the groceries were in bags. Everything was loose in the shopping cart. So you and your mom went back into the store, the market, and got a bunch of plastic shopping bags, because we were going to have to walk home carrying everything. We were talking excitedly about some shows we were all going to watch on PBS and joking around too. Noah was there and he had bought a copy of Vogue that he wanted me to read for some reason. He or maybe he and Ryan, actually, had written some things on the cover with a ballpoint pen. Like a cartoon bubble over the model's head, and what she was thinking or saying. We were putting everything in the bags and you took the copy of Vogue and I laughed and said "actually, that's mine. Noah gave it to me". Then, you laughed, too, and started reading the thing on the cover. I don't remember what it said. Everyone, mysterious misplaced vehicle notwithstanding, was in great spirits. Your mom was in fine form, my sweetheart. Maybe the happiest I've ever seen her. And you were there! Oh, my love. We all were. I never have a better dream than dreams of being with you. I love it when you're in my dreams and fear that when you aren't that I must have done something terribly wrong. Please be with me always, my darling. Please forgive me for all my mistakes. I certainly do make a lot of them. And I'm so very sorry. But I love you with all my heart and soul. Please help me to do better and take me with you soon, won't you, my darling girl?  Waking is often hard. But this morning I had this wonderful dream to hang on to. And I was grateful.

Sweet dreams...

In a dream last night and into this morning as I woke, you were with me, my little sweetheart. Your dad had picked me up (from the airport, I guess) and brought me to a house that wasn't quite like either of the ones I've been to before. He wanted to show me a new garage there they'd just had built. And after, still with my bags in my hands, I saw you. You were standing outside this different house. Standing in the pool of a fountain there. I came up to you and spoke. And you turned and kissed me, my sweetheart. Your pretty face was wet from the spray of the fountain and even though your dad was right there so it wasn't a deep, lasting kiss, you kissed me just the same. And I could feel your lips exactly as I remember. I could feel the water, the mist on your face. I could feel the softness of your lips against mine. And for a moment, I was home. Truly home, again.

A friend's dream of us, my sweetheart...

Here's what my friend emailed, my darling - a dream she had in which you came to us, to me, and we were together:

"...You and I had rooms in a hotel - a cheapish two-level off the freeway type of way station with a small pool. It felt like a way station in life. Summer was alive, she came down "from where she was" to visit you, you hung out together, I only saw you guys before you went to bed and when she was packing to leave again the next morning. She and I shook hands again, you guys had a last quick tumble in the few moments before she left and you were quite euphoric afterwards, smiling, full of life, hugging strangers, rolling around on the ground. You felt grounded and safe and calm again. There was more to the dream that had to do with me and the pool - but that was the part about you and Summer..."

Where the time goes...

Sweetheart, I was making a note to myself to find the email that my friend sent me quite a while ago about a dream she had where you and I were together. I found it and am going to post it in a minute. But I also wanted to post what I wrote as I was making the note to myself, my love. Here it is:

...And the thought that remembering suddenly an anecdote, an outing, a look, something Summer said - anything like that is the most incredible kind of blessing, and a reminder to me, that even if I'll never truly know happiness again, there are these blessings of potent memory so powerful they have a palpable sensory quality to them - I can almost touch our life. And faith that someday I will crawl through that pinhole of consciousness, slipping free, emerging through revolving glass doors – don’t push or touch them, let them turn as they will – emerging into bright daylight, the air familiar, Summer approaching behind the wheel of her banged-up blue Prius (“But your Dad sold that after you…” I begin to say, not yet understanding) to collect me, running to her before she’s even fully pulled to the curb (“Are we at SFO?” I wonder, my mind literally blowing), pulling her to me, my sweetheart in her little blue anchor t-shirt and black yoga pants, her gorgeous red tresses atop her head, knotted through a pencil (“I’m famous for this…”, she said the first time I saw her doing it), letting me take her in my arms, hoisting her off her feet (“I forgot how light you are”, I blurt out, stupidly, “but not how your hands feel on my neck. I…”) and begin to weep. “Shh,” she says, “it’s okay, now. I’ve so much to tell you! Remember that song I used to sing, 'where does the time go'? Well…”  And I’m with her, I’m there with her, all restored, all resumed, again and forever. That is time. Time. All unknowable...

To forgive...

I woke up this morning in your bed, little sweetheart. I’m in your pretty room at the house on Richland Road on my last day in NorCal over the Christmas holidays. I awoke in your bed with my pictures of you at my side on the nightstand and your side of the covers undisturbed, ready, as ever, for you to turn them down and collect me in your arms in my sleep and take me with you forever to live in our love in the beautiful someplace else. And as the warm California breeze and birdsong awoke me this day, I remembered I’d just been dreaming of you, my darling girl. We were together and you were taking up paper and pen and saying to me, “let’s make a list of all the people we need to forgive”. Oh, my sweetheart! You know everything! You know me so well, my love, don’t you? You feel my hurt and my ache and my desperate loneliness. And you try so hard to come to me and help me from your slight but significant remove to the other side of consciousness. Yes, my little sweetheart. Let’s make that list. It’s a wonderful way to begin this New Year, my love, my gracious, gentle, compassionate soulmate. Yes, Summer, let’s draw it right up and let forgiveness, even of ourselves, commence this nascent season. Let us do exactly that. Thank you, baby. And please, always be with me. Always. Don’t go too far away...

Nights and Days...

Nights were, for the first many months, the hardest for me to get through, my little sweetheart. It probably didn’t help that I started drinking again in those early days. And hadn’t you told me, my love, that I should never do that when I was lonely or sad or upset? So, I stopped again, my darling. In fits and starts at the New Year but on a clear path and righted course by the early days of February, so nearly six months now. And I’m getting to sleep better. I’m getting to sleep better, too, because I always talk to you, my love, as I take to our bed. I lay down quietly on my side and hold on to the open sleeve of your little purple shirt, taking it in my hand where it lay on top of your pillow and I talk to you. Take inventory of the day. Tell you how much I love you. Say a little prayer that you are kept safe and that I may meet you in the New Place come morning. Come soon. The nights are a little easier for that, now. It’s the dawn that has become so hard. Each morning waking is as heartbreaking as the first, with the terrible realization, coming out of the dream state, that you are not physically on this dark planet, not in body by my side. That in that way, I am all alone. Terribly lonely and alone. It hurts so much every time I wake that I can scarcely draw breath. But I say our prayer again and kiss your pictures and put on my necklace and say good morning to your beautiful spirit and make myself rise, make coffee, fill the daylight hours with a thousand little chores and tasks and projects to temper the horrible sting and muddle through until evening falls and I may lay me down and whisper again to you until I fall asleep. Dreaming of you and the Beautiful New Place. Hoping to wake there at last with you instead of this lonely world without you. How I pray to be delivered to you, my love. How I wish with all my heart and soul for that day. For you, my little sweetheart. For that day I join you, my love. Oh, Summer. My gorgeous girl. For that day…