New Year's Eve

It’s New Year’s Eve, little sweetheart. 

It was never much of holiday for me. Maybe when I was a little boy or something because we got to stay up until midnight - or least try to, I think I often fell asleep before it got that late. But as an adult it never meant much. 

And you and I never did New Year’s together, somehow. Part of it I think was because I was usually with my mom at Christmas until the year she passed away and then at Christmas that year, although I was with you in California, I had to come back to NYC to start rehearsals for something that week before Jan 1. It wasn’t terrible because you were coming to New York right after to be with me. 

I never had much of holiday on New Year’s Eve but I did spend several of the last few with your mom and dad since I was with them for Christmas and didn’t come back to New York until after Jan 1. A few years ago, I started making beef stroganoff each year on New Year’s Eve. Your dad, especially, liked that - even though he was often on call at the hospital that night - so it’s become a tradition. 

I’m on my own this year but I decided to make it, with chicken, instead. It came it pretty good. And I added what I think might become another tradition. 

Remember I told you about that amazing Portuguese movie I saw earlier this year, “The Strange Case of Angelica”? I decided to watch that. It’s the story of a young woman who tragically passes away. In the middle of the night, her wealthy family sends someone into town to find a photographer to take a last picture of her. He’s kind of unusual, a bit shy and no one quite knows what to make of him. He’s very earnest and sweet and when he looks through the lens, she opens her eyes and smiles at him. Only he can see her as she comes to life. 

And she keeps coming to him after that throughout the movie. Coming to his window one night in a beautiful sequence and taking him flying over the city through the night sky. In the end, (oops - spoiler alert!), after he’s hurt in an accident, she comes to him and takes him away with her. 

It’s incredibly beautiful, shot amazingly, like a series of paintings, almost. And, of course, it touches me because of its profound message of faith. 

A new tradition, right, little sweetheart? You so liked beginning them together with me. So, here’s another new at the beginning of a new year. 

With all my love forever.

Christmas Night

Little sweetheart, night has fallen here. It gets dark so much earlier this time of year - it’s only a little after 4pm. 

Because we can’t travel and I couldn’t be with your parents this year, I sent their gifts out to them in advance for them to open on the day. Your mom just texted me the loveliest message, including a picture of the three little things I got her. 

I think her one of her favorites are the four little figurines of cardinals I found at Victoria Trading Company. Cardinals are such magical little creatures and legend has it that when you see one, it means someone very dear to you who has passed on has come to visit you. Remember, I was telling you about that just a few weeks ago here? You mom really liked the little cardinals, sweetheart. 

And the other thing that I  think was her favorite was the new charm I gave her for her charm bracelet. Did I ever tell you this, little sweetheart? Remember at our last Christmas together, I got you several presents? I think your favorite was that pink angora sweater from Victoria’s Secret. But I also got one of Joy’s famous silver charm bracelets with two charms to start your collection. You liked the bracelet but you were very honest - you weren’t crazy about one of the charms I had picked out! Ha! It was a high heeled shoe. You actually went online to Joy’s site and found several more you liked better. Since Joy offered to exchange the charms if I sent them back to her in London, we thought we’d send the whole bracelet too so she could affix the new charms. 

Tragically, we never got to do that. But I still had the bracelet and the next year for Christmas, I decided to give it to your mom, so I could give her a new charm to add each year and - like with everything - in memory of you, my sweet girl. 

All the charms she has so far are sterling silver but this one adds a little bit of color - it’s a frosted cupcake! And your mom absolutely loves it. It’s very cute and, of course, puts one in mind of you and your famous cupcakes - how you loved baking and frosting incredibly complicated cupcakes! - immediately. 

Christmasses are hard, little sweetheart, honestly - I miss you so. But doing things in remembrance seems to bring you somehow closer on the day. 

Please be with me tonight, won’t you, my angel? And take me to you the moment heaven will allow. With all my love at Christmas - and always!
 

Christmas Afternoon

Little sweetheart, I sure am missing you today. 

Thinking, as I often do, about our beautiful last Christmas together at your folks’ house. The wonderful gift they gave me as you sat beside me on the sofa. 

Unwrapping it, I could see it was in a box, kind of like one a pocket watch would come in. When I opened it, I discovered it was actually a silver compass with engraving on the opposite said. It said exactly what you father said to me as the two of them looked on - “so you can always find us”. 

I burst into tears, little sweetheart, at this incredible kindness and you held me in your arms. 

How I love you! How I love forever, my little sweetheart. Forever! Happy Christmas, Summer.

Christmas Morning

It’s Christmas Day, little sweetheart. It started early, with a London radio broadcast at 8am our time here in NYC. We were back on Max Reinhardt’s show on Soho Radio. He played “Snowfall” from Deux Anges and had such wonderful things to say about it, addressing all three of us that I have to share it here for you now:

"Well, that's the first sign of snowfall this year, anyway. That was Bipolar Explorer from their album Deux Anges and it's on Slugg Records. And, um, I have to say - hi, there, Summer & Sylvia & Michael, if you're all listening. And you're all in very different places and very different dimensions, I know, but I just have to say, the more you listen to the album, the double-album, the better it gets! And it's all so different! That one ("Snowfall") is, uh, somehow or other, somewhere between Sonic Youth and "The Twelve Dreams of Dr. Sardonicus" ! But, anyway, very fine!

Isn’t that just terribly nice, little sweetheart? Merry Christmas, my gorgeous girl. Listen, you’re on the radio!

With You

Little sweetheart, I was just thinking about something. It really made me so very happy. 

I was thinking of you, of course, but remember that time we were driving around running a few errands for you? We were almost done, in the homestretch, back in your neighborhood in the Inner Sunset. You just had to run into the bank for a minute. There wasn’t a proper parking place, so I stayed in the car. 

While I was waiting, I tuned in the Celtics game radio broadcast on the NBA app on my phone. I was so engrossed, I didn’t see you returning. I just heard the passenger door click up as you got inside, looking up to see your beautiful face. 

I started to turn off the broadcast but you told me to leave it on, saying, with a smile, “I like it. It let’s me know I’m with a boy.” 

That was a so very sweet, my darling you girl. I’ve been thinking of that today for a hour. How I love you!

Listen and Remember

I’m sitting here tonight switching through the channels on Sling, little sweetheart, and I saw that The Wizard of Oz was on. It doesn’t matter where I pick up watching that - the beginning, middle or end - randomly, it just always breaks my heart because of how thoroughly my thoughts are filled with you. 

Of course, you famously played Dorothy - I think you were 12, is that right? - in the production at the Chico Light Opera company. People were still talking about it 20 years later and it had been such a big thing early in your life, it’s how you’d first worked with and met Coy. 

I remember one time you and I set out on a long walk from your apartment in the Inner Sunset all through Golden Gate Park and finally winding up down by Ocean Beach. It had begun to rain and we ducked into quite a nice restaurant. You’d wanted to take me there anyway, so we got ourselves a table by the window. A little jazz trio was playing and at one point they began to play “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”. I held your hand and looked into your eyes and cried and cried and cried. 

How I love you! How I still do! How I always will! 

I remember you telling me once - remember exactly where we were, I was driving your Prius and we were on the way to go grocery shopping at Andronico’s. It was shortly after my mom had died and you propped my up that whole week. I couldn’t have gotten through it without you - As we drove you said something to me about your own death. You thought I would probably outlive you and you asked two things - that I speak at your funeral or memorial and that I listen to our songs, like what we were playing on the car stereo just then and all of our songs - and think of you. 

The Wizard of Oz is like that. It’s so hard to take it on and not fall apart with longing and grief. But I try. And I love you my little sweetheart. 

Love you forever.

Two Starlings

Little sweetheart, some mornings, either still in bed or like just now, at my desk, I’ll hear some sweet little bird singing. 

Often, when I look up, I’ll spot them on the railing outside the window. Today, just now, I couldn’t quite see where he was. But when I got up, slowly so I wouldn’t frighten him, and looked round the corner, I could see not just one, but two pretty little starlings singing together. I’ve never had a duet before! It was is very sweet. I turned off the music I had had in and sat here very quietly and just watched and listened. 

I feel so close to you somehow when birds come to visit. I know you’re closer than I can imagine. Thank you, little sweetheart, for being near me today. And please take me to you the moment heaven will allow. 

With all my love forever.

First Snowfall

Little sweetheart, we’ve had our first snowfall of year! 

I knew about it ahead of time - they’ve been saying we get a foot and a half! So, I loaded in a few groceries to make a big pot of chili and batter for a second batch of Christmas cookies (the ones you like!), so I can bake them tomorrow. 

How I wish you were here to watch it come down with me - and I know, somehow, you are. It’s snowed and snowed through the night and won’t stop until something late tomorrow morning. We’ll wake to the full result. 

And I’ll wake, someday, someday soon, again in your arms. Oh, my love. How I love you. Forever. Forever.

Best Albums of 2020

Remember, little sweetheart, I was just telling you about all the wonderful, lovely airplay Deux Anges has been getting? Well, last weekend something extraordinary happened... 

Max Reinhardt - the legendary longtime host of BBC Radio 3’s great Late Junction - featured us on his show on London’s Soho Radio. And not just any show - his Best of 2020. And not just on the three hour show - he closed the show with us! “Infinity Hall” (which seems to kinda becoming the single) ended the program - his Best Releases of the Year - and he introduced us with these words: 

"And... Bipolar Explorer. Well... there is hauntology at work. Hauntology right in the center of their work."

From your days at Oxford, little sweetheart, to my days working in London as a writer, to our times, finally, together there, I think it would be hard to find two more Anglophile Americans than you & I, don't you? And an not unsubstantial part of that was listening, on both sides of the Atlantic, to Max - and John Peel and Verity Sharp - on BBC. Pretty heady stuff for us, isn't it little sweetheart? 

Listen, you're on the radio!

Across The Airwaves

Little sweetheart, Deux Anges has been getting so much nice radio play it’s almost hard to even remember it all! 

KFJC has been playing tracks from the album across about a dozen shows and nearly every day! The wonderful post-rock show in The Netherland’s -DeMist - has had us on three different weeks. Several shows on London’s Resonance FM, including a brand new one we really like, Fog Cast - which is a weekly hour of ambient and dark ambient music devoted nearly half the show to the album, playing 5 tracks, ending with your soaring vocals fading out into the next show. Our beloved hometown WFMU, too, has played us numerous different programs and several online stations from Canada to Germany to the UK have followed suit. 

We’re so delighted and grateful. Listen little sweetheart, you’re on the radio!

Middlechurch

Little sweetheart, there’s such sad news this morning. There’s been a terrible fire in the wee hours of the morning at Middle Collegiate Church downtown and much of it has been lost. 

Middlechurch is the sister church to little one that I go to on the Upper West Side, West End Collegiate. And Middlechurch is also the church your dear friend Coy used to attend when he lived here in NYC. No one’s quite sure how the fire started, fireman were called to the scene around 4am. 

Because of the pandemic, none of us have been able to gather at either church since last March. Services - like that lovely candlelight one I used to go to on Wednesday nights - have been held, such as they can approximate it, on Zoom, these many months. And tonight there’s a vigil to held on Zoom, so people, especially those of the Middlechurch congregation, can voice their feelings, their sorrow, their prayers, their memories. It’s at 7pm tonight. I’ll be looking in. 

I haven’t been able to reach Coy yet. I texted him and finally decided I should leave him a voicemail. It’s terribly sad. 

I love you.

12th Month

Little sweetheart, it’s December 1. I’ve turned over the page on the calendar in the kitchen - it’s all paintings by French Impressionisnts - and this month’s is a group scene with a girl who looks so very much like you. 

Christmas is on the way. It’ll be my first not with your parents. You and I had the most lovely Christmas with them ten years ago. It was my first Christmas with them. And I’ve been with them every year since then. All but one, out in California. One year they came here to New York and stayed at The Excelsior - that cozy little hotel on the Upper West Side by the planetarium, where my mom always stayed and your own mom came to like so much. 

It’ll feel funny to not be with them this year, little sweetheart, but we can’t travel with this awful pandemic still going on. I’m shopping now for their gifts and will send them on so they have them before Christmas Day. 

Sure am missing you right now. So, I’ll just quiet down a little and say our prayer. I know you’re nearer than I can imagine. With all my love forever.
 

Thanksgiving 2020

It’s Thanksgiving Day, little sweetheart. I remember that you told me it was never such a big holiday in your family - no nearly so much as Christmas - and because you and your dad both have mid to late November birthdays.

I’m alone, as I am most years, but I still make an effort to cook and so much so that I have leftovers for nearly a week. I think one of reasons why is that a few years ago I put out word for a few people to come by on my birthday and it wasn’t exactly shaping up. The night before I heard that an old friend had passed after a long battle with cancer and that the family was sitting shiva the next day, my birthday. I went to that and it was kind of amazing. 

Everyone brought food, they were lots of little kids running around, it was kind of an almost joyous celebration of my friend’s life - just as she would want it to be. At one point a five piece mariachi band even turned up. 

After I left and was taking the long walk home. I decided that I would cook and bake a cake, even if it was just me. That’s kind of something I do now. I try to still do things like I would if you were here. And in so doing, I really rather believe that you are. 

Happy Thanksgiving, little sweetheart. Love you forever.

Sounds...

Little sweetheart, tonight I was looking at a picture of you and I. You'd taken it with the PhotoBooth app on your Macbook Air and then emailed it to me later with a lyric from the Goldfrapp song, one of your favorites, "Black Cherry". 

I played that song tonight and from the very first notes was taken instantly to you, could feel and remember what it was to be near you, and I cried and cried and cried. 

I love you so very much, my True One. Love you forever. Forever. 

Remembering Boston

I’ve been thinking about our time in Boston back in 2008 - 12 years ago this month - little sweetheart. Indeed, whenever I go to Boston now, I always think of our time there together. 

You were doing Tom Stoppard’s play Rock n Roll in San Francisco at ACT and the production came to Boston’s Huntington Theatre for a six week run. I remember how excited you were when you got the job and asking me if I “would be (your) boyfriend in Boston”. Of course! And everywhere else, too! 

You were wonderful in the play - I saw it several times in SF and soon after you opened in Boston I came up and stayed with you in the sweet little apartment - graduate student housing for Boston University - where they’d put you up. It snowed while we were there. And we walked around Boston on your days off. I’d go running around the Charles River when you left for rehearsal and cook dinner for you before or after the show. We visited the JFK library and went to film society benefit in Cambridge and met Willem Dafoe. And I was there for your birthday, too. I made you dinner and a cake and we had a lovely evening that night after the show. 

I have such memories of our time there together, my little sweetheart. I’m thinking about it tonight and holding you so very close in my heart. How grateful I am for you! 

With all my love forever.

Deux Anges

Little sweetheart, also today on your birthday is the release of our 9th album, Deux Anges. 

30 tracks across two discs and 2 1/2 hours, it is, as ever, of, for and about you! 

I did a radio interview last night in England just before midnight as the hour of your birth drew near and the host very kindly told the audience of you (as I already had) and wished you a happy forever birthday. 

We'll be together again forever and soon, I know. With all my love...

Nov 13...

Little sweetheart... 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

You are my treasure forever! Listening quietly for your eternal, celestial presence, today. And sending you so much love. My darling, gorgeous girl.

Sights & Signs

Little sweetheart, walking back after my run in Riverside Park today, I saw a couple looking intently at something in the middle distance. I stopped and looked, too, and saw that it was a cardinal. 

I drew closer and saw that was quite a little one. And definitely a male because of the brighter red coloring, the female has red highlights, also, but is more muted. He was easy to miss if you weren't paying close attention. He was somewhat removed from the trail and perched in the upper branches of a slim little tree. He really liked this spot, you could tell, because he lingered there for some time. I think I stood there for a full five minutes watching him until a breeze blew through the surroundings and he decided to take flight. 

I thought about him - and you! - as I walked on. I read of late that when we see a cardinal, ancient legend has it, it means someone very dear to us who has passed on has come to visit us. That's why I didn't want to go until he decided he would flutter away. I knew it was you reaching out to me with love and protection.

I was thinking of all this during the long walk back and then when I was stopped waiting for the light to change not far from home, I saw the time - 4:44pm. That's meant to be a time, if you notice it, that your guardian angel is hovering most near you. 

Little sweetheart, the weather which has been so fine these last wonderful days, is meant to turn again. The days are getting shorter and darker earlier. But today I know you were with me. 

Thank you, my angel. I'm listening. With all my love forever.

Exhaling, at last...

Little sweetheart, we all went to bed Tuesday night feeling very uneasy about the election, here. But come Wednesday morning things began turning. 

Almost on cue, the weather, which had been dark and wet and cold for days, began to clear. The sun came out and the temperature climbed to unseasonable degrees of delicious warmth. Through the week the weather mirrored the results - everything got brighter. 

Then, finally, late this morning, the race was called for President-Elect Biden. I heard it before I saw it. 

All during the lock down this last spring, at 7pm each day, people would take to their roofs or open their windows or stop on the street to applaud and cheer and ring bells in honor of the healthcare workers fighting for all of us. 

This morning, I could hear the same thing, and I knew it meant we'd won. I picked up our set of sleighbells and joined the chorus. I texted your parents and several other friends and let them know, too. 

Later, I went for a long walk. It was glorious- the weather, the happy people, the brilliantly colored leaves of autumn, the very air. Up in Riverside Park, I came across an old timey band - banjo, clarinet, drums, trombone - playing "Happy Days Are Here Again" and people dancing. I took a short video and sent it to your mom and dad who wrote back to say "I love NY!". 

We do, little sweetheart, don't we? And we love you. Forever. Forever.

All Soul's Day 2020

Little sweetheart, today is All Soul's Day.

Over the years, I've liked to observe it by going to a service. In the early days, I used to go to St Thomas, which is kind of High Episcopalian - incense and ceremony - something one more takes in than actively participates. 

For the last long while I've gone to West End, which usually observes it not specifically on the day but either the Sunday before or, very nicely, with a Taize service on the Wednesday just before, just following or, if Nov 2 falls on a Wednesday, the day itself. 

This year because of the pandemic, most churches are closed, sadly. Even the beautiful little Spanish church nearby on W51  Sacred Heart - is closed. But I'm saying quiet prayers for you, regardless. Remembering with gratitude your gift of love and light that saved me. And knowing with faith that we will be together again soon and forever. 

With all my love.

A Wonderful Dream

Little sweetheart, I've had dreams of you sometimes where you're a mommy. One of them, famously, a few years ago, was at Easter. We had two little daughters and you were getting them ready upstairs in your room at your parents's house, a big sunhat already perched in your head, as I finished hiding treats for the egg hunt in the garden. 

Last night I dreamt that we'd had baby, a daughter, again, and I had talked you (and everyone, really) into naming her after you. It's all a bit foggy this morning and I wondered later if I could even think of a girl being named after her own mother (the way sons often are) and if she would be Summer, Jr. Junior is kind of male-specific, isn't it little sweetheart? It was a funny dream but wonderful because we were together. 

What do you make of it all? I'll listen in quiet meditation this afternoon for your reply! With all my love forever.

Early Voting

Little sweetheart, we're all terribly anxious about coming election. I won't go too long long about it here but your mom and dad are both very concerned and we're all just, honestly, stressing out. 

New York State started doing early voting a few years ago. I'd never done it before, I've just always gone to my regular polling place at the High School of Visual Arts up the street on Election Day itself. But I got something in the mail about early voting for my precinct being at Madison Square Garden. It was a bit daunting. I've not only not been in much of a crowd since the pandemic, I had barely been below W48th Street! But I walked down there yesterday afternoon. 

Early voting is from 10am-4pm. I got there about 2:30pm and the line was out on the street all the way back from the entrance at 7th Avenue to the back of Penn Station at the corner of W33rd and 8th. About 20 minutes in, a guy with a "I Voted" sticker came walking past us and said that this was the point where he had been in the line when he first arrived and that it was about one hour from here to check in and voting. As we got progressively closer, everyone was in good spirits and some poll workers even came around with free coffee for anyone that wanted a cup. 

Later, as we turned the corner onto 7th Avenue and could actually see the entrance, another came by with Kit-Kat bars for Halloween! From that point you could see that there was another line going around the block from the northside, from W34th, to meet this one here. It was an enormous amount of people, little sweetheart, but again, everyone was in great and friendly spirits. 

Once inside, it really didn't take long at all. And when I finished scanning my ballot, one of the workers raised her arms and said "Yay, you did it!". They gave me a "I Voted Early" sticker and I put it on my tee shirt walking home feeling somehow much calmer about everything. 

I just love this city, as I know you do, little sweetheart. And I feel like you are very close to me today. I told your mom and dad all about it and they were very happy too. 

Love you forever.

Coming Soon...

Little sweetheart, we've been getting some wonderful airplay and advance reviews for the new album, Deux Anges, ahead of its release on your birthday next month. 

KFJC did a three hour special about the band last month, previewing ten of the 30 tracks in the third hour and radio from near and far - WFMU, The Netherland's DeMist, Germany's TSFC, and others have been featuring and debuting others. 

Some very kind words have found print also, little sweetheart, from The Wire Magazine's Dave Mandl and France's Punktum, who wrote, in part:

“The announcement of a new Bipolar Explorer album is always, to us, a surprise as formidable as it is pleasant. Indeed, this project, which we’ve been loving for several years now, has never tried to do the same work twice, slow rock movements on which Summer, Sylvia and Michael lay their spontaneous inspirations. Drawing ideas from the realm of dreams, as well as the deeper, more refined confrontation with reality, through a softness full of wisdom and contemplation, Bipolar Explorer is a call for renaissance, a refusal of passivity, without any futile anger. An introduction to the inner and spiritual dream, the first excerpt, ”Santa Barbara”, with its hypersensitive contours, goes beyond our hopes and dreams, while found sounds from an indescribable place and the musicians’, pure and unique, meet. DEUX ANGES is released on November 13th.” 

All of it, as ever, for you. With all my love forever. 

Serafinlove

My little sweetheart, some time not long after your tragic passing, I asked your father if I could take your name - hyphenating my own to Serafin-Wells. Very gracious and kindly he told me that he would be "proud" if I did so. From that day until now it has been so. 

Tonight, I watched the new, special episode of The West Wing, that HBO is doing prior to the election. I often watch episodes of the original series thinking of you, who first lent me the Serafin DVD collection. Your mom told me how proud you were to have introduced me to the show and I often weep watching. 

Tonight brought it home again - how proud I am to have taken your name, to have been loved by you, to send my every prayer to you knowing we will soon be conjoined and forever. 

 With all my love forever.

Summer Shrine

Little sweetheart, en route to Cork City we stopped at a very special place - Gougane Barra. 

Saint Finbar built an ancient monastery on the island that sits there within a lake which is also the source of the River Lee. There's a whole series of wonderful little meditation caves, an ancient graveyard, the church, and a sprawling National Park filled with wildlife, notably birds, here. 

Kris has mentioned a stop and I knew about it but hadn't explained it well enough to you. Honestly, you thought he was talking about a bank! I don't know why! Maybe "Barra" sounded like "Bankers"? 

Anyway, once we arrived you didn't want to leave and I was kicking myself for not having given us at least an entire day and night there. There's also an absolutely beautiful lodge there, a hotel. And you and I made plans to return and spend the night. We went in and got some info from the very nice people who ran the place (the hotel). 

You could tell why they had such a lovely lodge there because the chapel on the island was like a storybook one. One that you could imagine people so very much wanting to have for their wedding. 

We went inside and lit candles, you and I, having the place to ourselves. And I took this picture of you. It's quite dim inside - gorgeous and cozy and sweet - but I should have paused to get better light. We kind of took this photo on the down low, trying not to make too much fuss. 

Later, I had our friend Audun do a painting of you based on it. I very much wanted to use this picture for the cover of Electric Hymnal but the original was a little too low res and the painting, although I love it, doesn't fully capture you. 

But, you my darling girl, captured me from the first. And I remain yours forever. 

With all my love.

 

 

 

 

Ireland Day Seven

Little sweetheart, on our last day we began the drive back to Cork City. Along the way, we found a country fair going on. 

There were farmers and locals and kids running around. A hundred tractors all lined up in display. A dog race going on, with an announcer detailing the results over a PA. Games and food and sweets and just the whole countryside there come to a stop for the afternoon, the air full of festivity. 

I came right up to you, in this moment, as I often would when you had that enormous black sunhat on. Usually I'd duck up under its brim to give you a kiss. But this time I just took this treasured picture of your sweet, beautiful, shining face. 

God, how I love you! Forever, my gorgeous girl. Forever.

Bracelet

Little sweetheart, several years ago your mom got each of us a lovely little memorial bracelet - leather wrist strip holding a polished steel setting with your name and dates on one side and a personalized phrase on the other (mine, of course, saying "Little Sweetheart"). 

Some time back, because I wore it every single day everywhere I went, the leather began to give way on one side from the clasp and I had to put it aside for fear that it would fall off and I might lose it. 

But this afternoon, I took it to that tiny little shop at W55th and 9th, the shoe repair shop run by that guy who always says that he - and true to his word usually can - can fix anything. He stopped what he was doing when I came in and took a look at it under his magnifying glass light. I asked if he could fix it and he said he'd do it right then and there, just to have a seat. He cut a new piece of leather and attached it so seemingly seamlessly that you couldn't even tell that a new piece had been attached to the old. He cut away the frayed edge and then asked me to try it on to make sure the fit was good. Then he went over to his industrial sewing machine and stitched it up properly. 

It's totally restored now! It feels so good to be back in the habit of putting both it and my red "Love Courageously" band on each day. I took a picture and sent it to your mom. 

Feeling very close to you just now! With all my love forever. Forever!

The Snug

Little sweetheart, at the end of this long day we'd saved up a nice treat - we drove over to the largest village over on the Bay - Bantry, historic from the uprising, and a charming little hamlet now near the water. 

Kris and I always like to go here once or twice if we were staying long in Kilcrohane to eat at a little pub called The Snug. It was a just a little place but it was absolutely lovely - a long beautiful bar and half a dozen or so little tables all looking like great polished trees stumps and cozy plush cushioned banquettes. 

Neither of us had steak often but this was cattle country and it was frankly amazing. Kris and I each had steak and you two burgers - they just came that way on the menu, two not one! You saved one for later. 

Usually, like in high season, you couldn't even get into The Snug. It was always packed out the door. Kris and I had only ever eaten at the bar - which was nice, too - but we had the entire place to ourselves that night. 

We had a long leisurely dinner with drinks and dessert and the staff was really nice. You said it was the best dinner ever! And I have this picture to attest. 

When we finally ventured back out into the night two dozen swans had settled into the bay, just outside of The Snug, under the footbridge. We stood there and marveled at them. And I held you in my arms on this magic, magic night. 

With all my love forever.

 

 

Back Light

Little sweetheart, after we found our way back - like I said, I nearly got us lost on our return! - we watched the beautiful sunset from the little landing point and visitors center at the beginning of the trail. 

There were a couple of nice little picnic tables there - wich would have been perfect if we'd thought to pack a lunch. We were famished! We'd get in the car after, meeting up with Kris, and drive into Bantry for dinner. 

But first we paused here and I took this glorious picture of you against the setting sun. 

I've a big poster size one of it framed and hanging here in the red table room. I see it every day. As I listen for you every day. And remember. 

With all my love forever.

The Light of My Life

Little sweetheart, from that very same spot, I crossed over the railing myself and you took me in your arms, as you had into your life, saving and mending me. 

How I long now to make the even larger crossing from this place to the one where you are and be within your arms again. 

And with faith and doing my best, the way you taught me, with love and faith and kindness, listening closely for your celestial encouragement, I know, I know I will. 

With all my love forever.

Ireland Day Six

Little sweetheart, we managed to pack so much into day six of our wonderful trip to Ireland and began the day by heading out on our biggest adventure - the long coastal route climb to the lighthouse at the very edge of Sheep's Head peninsula. 

It was several hours to and back in all - we nearly ran out of daylight on our return! There was no one around as we got to the most remote parts. Indeed, I feared I had gotten us lost on the way back, only to turn around and see a sign nearly hidden from the path directing us to the main road. But that was all later... 

The trek out took an hour or two until we could finally see the little lighthouse at the end. All around it was railing and a big sign saying "Danger! Do Not Cross!". Naturally, it was the first thing you did, having spotted a sweet little stone stairway on the other side. 

You sat down there, looking at the vast expanse of the Atlantic beyond and the brilliantine autumn Irish sky stretching out before you and turned back to gaze at me as I snapped this picture of you. It became the back cover of our album Of Love and Loss and is the front cover image of the book I'm writing for you. 

My gorgeous, gorgeous girl. Love you forever.

Back at The Bay

Little sweetheart, we had plans to head out on the longest of our treks, to the lighthouse at the edge of the Sheep's Head, but once we discovered it, a quick jaunt over to the water - Bantry Bay - on the other side of the island, appealed nearly as much. 

At night, you could see the sweep of the biggest lighthouse around - the one at Fastnet Island - light the sky and the low distant bleating of its foghorn. 

By day, the beautiful blue waters were visible as we hiked across lush meadows of tall green almost sponge-like grass. We found blowholes and sheep and kept an eye out for our old Jack Russell terrier pal. 

We took this picture together down by the dock before heading back to the village for a nice lunch. 

Love you forever.  

 

 

At The Edge of The World - Together!

Little sweetheart, on one of our day trips we actually got back in the car, instead of venturing out on foot. 

Kilcrohane is at the edge of the middle of three peninsulas - The Beara, The Mizenhead and The Sheep's Head. The Sheep's Head was our peninsula but on one of little roadtrips, we headed up to the northernmost of them, The Beara. 

At the edge of the Beara itself is a little island called Dursey. A fww other small islands - The Skelligs - also dot the coast, there. Here at the edge of The Beara is a little cable car that runs out to Dursey Island and from that very spot, Europe ends. It's the most western point, next stop, New York! 

Kris took this picture of you and I together there at a whimsical little signpost marking the distance to New York (with the icon of a swimmer), to Trailhead and to the mythical Land of Youth or Tir n nOg - the title of the play that was the ocassion of our meeting one another. 

What a wonderful day it was! Love you forever. 

Ireland Day 5

Little sweetheart, one day on our travels we found an ancient stone circle. It was actually a kind of double one, almost a circle within the circle itself. 

It seemed to us both a holy and magical place and we stood there together, arms around one another breathing in the solemn moment, conjoined. 

You captured this a moment later, kissing me and telling me that you loved me. 

Just looking at it now reminds me how very blessed I am. My angel. My love.

Doneen Pier

Little sweetheart, here's one more from our walk down to the end of Doneen Pier with our little canine tour guide! 

You found these sweet little steps down to the water at one side where, presumably, a small boat might dock. You climbed down and then let me take your picture posed to climb back up like a beautiful red-headed mermaid emerging from the blue waters. 

My gorgeous girl! Love you forever!

Ireland Day Four

Little sweetheart, we'd take an epic walk soon all the way out to the lighthouse and the end of the peninsula, but there's was also a really lovely spot heading in the other direction out of the village to the pier in Doneen. 

You and I set off and at some point a little Jack Russell terrier joined us. He keep running just a bit ahead of you and I, almost as if he knew we wanted to go and was leading us there. He kept us company for almost two hours before eventually dashing off as mysteriously as he had appeared. 

This picture of the two of us is just at the beginning of the long path down to the water. 

Love you forever.

Ireland Day Three

Little sweetheart, one of our dearest friends in the village over the years was Johnnie. We'd rented his guesthouse one Christmas and we always liked hanging out with him at Eileen's pub. I was so keen for you to meet him! 

We stopped by his house in the afternoon for a visit and then all five of us walked down to Eileen's together and settled into the corner table by the big bay window. 

Here's a shot I took of you looking so happy and beautiful, in one of the sweaters you'd brought along and your high black walking boots propped up on a stool.  

Love you forever.

Ireland Day Two

Little sweetheart, one of our favorite things to do wherever we were was to go on epically long walks. 

We'd traverse the whole of Golden Gate Park together on an afternoon or walk all the way downtown and across the Brooklyn Bridge together to see a film at BAM. 

Ireland was so perfect for this kind of thing. And one of the first things we did everyday was head out for an adventure. 

Everything was so lush and gorgeous. Even just setting out from behind the holiday house, the setting was breathtaking - as were you, always, and here in that pretty fur hat you brought along especially for our long-dream-of trip, here. 

Later, this photo became the inset picture for our album Til Morning Is Nigh. With all my love forever.

Ireland Day One

Little sweetheart, over the next week or so I'd like to post a few pictures of our wonderful trip together to Ireland. 

We'd been staying In London with Kris & Joy, and we got up early one morning, drove to Stansted and flew to Cork City. We picked up a rental car there and drove up the beautiful coast to our destination - Kilcrohane in West County Cork. 

After getting the keys to the holiday house there, left for us at the pub, we took a nap together - we'd been up since about 4am! - then got up in the afternoon and went for a walk down to Bantry Bay. Joy took this picture of us. It's one of my favorites. 

Love you forever. 

Thoughts tonight

 So many thoughts of you tonight, my little sweetheart. And I'll try to get to them all soon. But just happened across this video, tonight, one of our best, I think. With all my love forever.

 

 

Butterflies

Little sweetheart, as the season comes to a close turning to autumn, I've been savoring the last sights and scents and sounds. 

One of the loveliest of them all has been the proliferation of butterflies these last few months and it always makes me think of you, feel your celestial presence near me. 

There's a very pretty spot along where I run in Riverside Park. It's the little 91st Street Gardens. Often I'll go for a walk up there or start my run even father up to get in my miles so I can come walk and linger there, looking for the magical creatures. 

One of the most recognizable of all butterflies is the orange and black beauty called the "Monarch". They're famous for the epic journey they make each year from the Brazilian rain forest all the way to southern Canada. Sadly, over the last decade or so they've become endangered by climate change. Your mom and I watched a documentary about the monarch's migration about a year ago and one of the things they said would help bring them back is milkweed. Monarchs love milkweed, apparently. So, your mom planted some at both houses. 

And here in the park up by those gardens I've seen three or four or five of the little beauties almost every day. Also, a black swallowtail, of late. 

It always brings me close to you, little sweetheart, to stop and watch and gently talk to them. I know you are so much closer than I can even imagine and these pretty winged ones help always to remind me. 

With all my love forever. 

Guiding Star of Goodness

Little sweetheart, I'm so grateful for you. 

For a thousand thousand reasons. The great gift of your love, how you helped to mend and heal the ache in my heart. How you held me, your hand gently stroking the well of my chest and called me your treasure. Over and over. How you helped me see more goodness in the world. 

The other night I suddenly got this old Jackson Browne song in my head, I know you know the one. I looked for it online, finding a video of him and his band playing it. I watched it over and over in tears, thinking of you. 

How I long for you, how I miss you, how I love, how grateful I am for you. I remembered that this was probably a song I wouldn't have thought twice about before you came into my life and grew my heart with your incandescent beautiful spirit. And I shared the video with both your mom and dad. Sent it to each of them, musing how was it possible I could have once overlooked this song, so earnestly and beautifully hopeful. I needed you to show me. 

As I still do. As I pray for your celestial visitations as I lay asleep, as well as in the daylight hours. You and your enduring goodness. 

Please help and guide me always. And take me to you the moment heaven will allow. With all my love forever. 

More Radio Days

I almost forgot to mention, little sweetheart, that you've been on the radio twice in the last couple of days! 

As we're ramping up to the release of the new album, our 9th, Deux Anges, on your birthday, it's nice to report! 

Yesterday, WFMU, reached back to 2012's double-album Of Love and Loss, to play "Out", with your soaring vocals weaving in and out and floating above my own. 

And on Saturday morning 'FMU's Jefferey Davison played our most recent single "eleven:eleven" - the track I composed and we recorded for the UK's Dark Outside last April. Again, your vocals soaring above the bed of experimental dreampop sounds, Jeffrey had the kindest words, saying: 

"A long piece, "eleven:eleven", on Slugg Records, from Bipolar Explorer. I’ve played them before. Their stuff is really beautiful and I have to say this might be definitely maybe one of the more beautiful things I’ve heard from them – which is saying something. Really gorgeous piece.” 

As ever, little sweetheart - it's all for you! With all my love forever. 

Nearest & Dearest

As ever, I talk or text with both your mom and dad most days, little sweetheart. 

Through all this pandemic madness, it's been really hard because I haven't actually been able to visit them since January, when we all had a late post-Christmas Christmas together. 

There's been even more difficulties with the wildfires that have been raging across the state, rendering the air unsafe, and I've been really worried about them both but they're doing okay and we spoke again last night. 

You were so proud of your beautiful parents, little sweetheart (and they of you, of course!) and they are the very dearest people in the world to me. 

You and they are always in my prayers. With all my love forever. 

Picture This!

 Looking through those Ireland pictures, little sweetheart - there's more than 300 of them, thank goodness! - but I wanted to post some more of these... just our adventures together from London to Seattle, down the coast and at home both here and in CA. Love you forever.

Treasure

Remembering so many things, today, little sweetheart. And it's coming up on the anniversary of our wonderful trip together to Ireland. I'll probably post some of those photos here in the days to come. But just now looking at some of your texts I printed. This lovely one hangs above my desk. Love you forever.

 

End of August

 Little sweetheart, tonight is the last night of August and I can feel the seasons changing. It’s cooler and the air feels fresh while still the sounds of locusts fill the air and the lushness of the season remains.

Tonight I walked out along the Hudson and just gazed over the beautiful landscape and skyscape.

I remembered how I often used to walk out here in the years before we met and wonder if things would ever get better, I was so very very sad. They did. You found me.

Now, in these days when things are so very wrong, even in the depths of anxiety and despair, I know that it will get better because you are closer than I can imagine. And I will be with you soon.

I love you so very much. Please be near me, I love you forever.

Kissed in Dreams

 You were in any dreams last night, little sweetheart!

I didn't remember it all, and it was one of those that is swirling and changes locations and times and characters, but there you were - with me. And the best part was this wonderful moment together.

We were in front of a mirror, pulled close together on our way somewhere back into the atmosphere of the dream, and you kissed me deeply and told me how very much you loved me.

Oh my goodness! Thank you! I needed so very much to have you visit and comfort me. It always makes me feel better, and that I’m on the right track. Thank you thank you thank you.

New Schedule

 Little sweetheart, all through these difficult months of the pandemic I’ve fallen into bad sleep habits. Waking far too late in the day and feeling rough.

Just now, I feel a change. I’m up earlier, at our usual time - remember, we always liked getting up around ten? I know that’s the right path and that you’re taking me there. The album is nearly done. I’m turning full attention to the book. You’re helping me through every step every day.

God, how I love you! Thank you, my little sweetheart. Forward!  

The Saddest Person Ever

 Little sweetheart, when I was working on the last play I wrote for you, the last play I ever worked on, really, in 2013, a little while after your tragic passing, I was in Upstate Washington State, on retreat with the company and cast before our production of of My Before & After. It was ten days in a lovely little arts colony in the mountains.

One day, I was in there little cafe having coffee with the lead actor, a lovely man named Tim. As so often happened my thoughts were of you and I burst into tears. He was very kind but he also said to me, quite worried, that he thought I was the saddest person he ever had known.

I still am. I try hard to do my work and be kind and say our quiet prayers, but often the darkness descends, my love. And I need to say that. I need to live within it and let it be part of me as you are always a part of me, the biggest part, the very best part, and just quietly ask to feel you near me. I know it’s okay to feel this bad. I know because you loved and still did love me and that we are forever.

Thank you, my little sweetheart. Always. Always.

Butterfly Kisses

 Little sweetheart, butterflies so very much like the sweetest little birds that bless us, always bring you to my mind.

From your perch in The Forever, I don’t know if you know, but one of the most wonderful and best known of the species, the Monarch, is in terrible danger. It’s partly to do with climate change. Your mom and I are both terribly concerned about them becoming extinct. They love milkweed and your mom especially planted that herb both in Davis and down in Turlock.

But just like that incredible sighting of those cardinals, little sweetheart, I’ve been seeing monarchs! Usually up around the 91st Street Gardens in Riverside Park. And the last few times I have, just over this week and today, one or even two have flown so close to me, right up to my face, it’s almost if they were trying to give me a little kiss. And I know that is from you!

Oh, my true true love! Thank you! I know you’re trying your best to help and guide me all the time, and moments like this just bring it all home to me so very much. Thank you, little sweetheart. I love you with all my heart and soul forever. Forever!

Bird Watch

Little sweetheart, I've been seeing more and more birds these last few months. 

I think maybe the reduction in air traffic has been a boon for them. A couple of weeks ago I saw a cardinal. I always thought of cardinals as winter birds and regardless of the season, I'd never seen a cardinal in the city. The first time was over by the dog run in Riverside Park near the 86th Street Gardens. I was so excited, I stopped a random passerby just to tell her. Maybe a week later, I saw another, or perhaps the same one, at the drinking fountain by the playground at the W83rd entrance. Then, a week after that, I saw two! 

I was crossing through that little common square between four apartment buildings just north of Lincoln Center, that kind of "quad" between Amsterdam and West End, and I heard a bird singing just spectacularly. I looked up and it was a cardinal, a male like the other(s) I had seen up in the W80's, but then I saw the object of his affection - a female cardinal, her colors more muted and grey but still with red highlights. 

Every time I pass any of these spots, now, I look for them. Since your ascension, little sweetheart, I often find comfort in birdsong and the sighting of the little guys. I feel a sense of closeness to you somehow. 

I think I told you in these very pages that story about how a few years ago, I went out into the hall and was startled to find the prettiest little bird, a finch, I think, sitting quite calmly, like a sentinel, atop the crash bar of the emergency exit to the roof. It turns out he'd escaped from Angelo's apartment on the second floor - he has several little birds and often lets them of out their cages to fly around his apartment at will! Somehow, this little guy got loose and flew to the highest point he could find indoors. Before we knew who he belonged to, my neighbor Eric rescued him and then got a little birdcage and gave him to me, because he has a cat that would be far too curious. I had the little guy for about a day until we discovered that he belonged to Angelo and I took him in his cage back downstairs to his home. 

But before I did, that night when we still didn't know where he belonged and I had him for safe keeping, I fed him and gave him water and talked to him and showed him your picture - I told him all about you, how much I love you and how we all miss you so very much and that this is your home, so that he would know. I wanted this little bird to know about you. 

It seemed very important, little sweetheart. And it feels very nice today, on this rainy Sunday afternoon, to remember it all. How I love you! Forever. Forever. 

The Permanent Connection

Little sweetheart, remember the refrigerator, here? It’s the same one that was in operation from the day I arrived decades ago. An ancient warhorse, I’m guessing it has probably been here since the Kennedy Administration. It’s the kind where you have to defrost the freezer regularly. If you don’t it becomes like an igloo and you can only shove a thing or two into the tunnel of space between walls of icy tundra.

Last year, it seemed to be on its last legs, and the landlord sent a repairman over here who took one listen to it and pronounced it a blown condenser, un-fixable because trusty don’t even make parts for it anymore. That was a year ago. I don’t like to make trouble, so I sat on it for another four seasons until now when even at full blast, it wasn’t keeping things cool. To my astonishment the landlord agreed to replace it and they brought a new one over here earlier yesterday.

Every time I would defrost the old one. I would take everything out, placing all the most perishable stuff in a cooler and filling it with a five pound bag of ice from the deli, to keep cold until the arduous operation was completed a few hours later.

At the back of the fridge on the top shelf is a collection of things of yours, little sweetheart, from your last time here, that I’ve saved all these years. Some crisps, some sweets and a favorite soda, salad dressing, some barley from a recipe I made especially for you. Each time I defrosted, I would carefully save them all, transferring them to a little box and then putting them back after everything was defrosted and cleaned. Yesterday, I did that again, and returned them to the brand new fridge.

The front of the old one also had many pictures of you - including one of you at a fridge (at my mom’s, wrapped in a blue towel post-shower and looking for a yogurt)  - and some other mementos, a ticket from the Leonard Cohen show you took me to in Oakland for my birthday and the receipt from our trip to the spa in Calistoga, on yours. I carefully removed them and this morning put them all back on the front of the new one.

Some things change but others are forever. Isn’t that right, little sweetheart? 

The Hard Listening

The new album, our 9th, Deux Anges, is nearing completion, little sweetheart. It’s going to be a double-album, two discs, 15 tracks on each, nearly three hours in total.

It’s hard to let go of. I loop back, listening, and hear one more thing I want to change, get all the way through to the end, listen again and find one more.

At a certain point, like a grade schooler in art class, the kindly teacher needs to look over my shoulder, say, “what a beautiful picture” and gently pry it from my hands, taping it to the wall with the others so we know that is done.

I think I need you to do that, little sweetheart. I’ll go lie down. You tell me what you think, okay? Find me in dreams, the way you have all through this, gifting me the words and music in my sleep, and let know if it’s time.

With all my love. And to be continued (obviously)…

July in Remembrance

July is drawing toward a close, soon, little sweetheart, and just as I said I thought it might, it is bringing to me memories of being with you that last July we had together.

Your folks had rented a house on the Oregon Coast for the July 4th weekend and invited the extended family along. Your brother nearly burnt the place down when the fireworks he was shooting off on the beach caught some brush alight. But even that was fun in the end, the crisis averted.

I have some breathtaking pictures of you from that time, my iPhone still quite a new thing, and a video of you magically appearing from the doorway of your room onto the balcony. We drove dune buggies (or rather you drove, I rode) along the shore, specifically where the rental guys told us not to go.

Staying on in California some additional weeks, we shot that short film based on my play Two From the Line, expanded with a role I wrote especially for you. And we spent several days together at the beautiful house in Davis.

My mom had unexpectedly passed away less than two months earlier. You’d gotten my home from London, then flew to be at my side. I knew that week and told you that whatever happened in my life now, I needed to be nearer to you.

We were figuring it out. They were the best days of my life.

I think somehow they still are there and that when I know that all you know now, I will find that - that we can live in all moments of our life simultaneously, ad infinitum, however we choose, because time is not what we think it is.

We, you, are forever. With all my love.

Epic Walks

One of the things that I loved to do with you, little sweetheart, was going for long walks together.

We used to do that here in New York and I remember a couple of fine ones all the way to the windmill in Golden Gate Park, starting out from your apartment in the Inner Sunset.

The first day or two of our trip to Ireland with Kris & Joy, I remember you getting restless because we were going everywhere in the rental car. The scenery was spectacular along the Cork/Kerry border and we made some lovely stops along the way but it wasn’t what you wanted. The next morning we got up and went for a long walk to Doneen pier. And the next day an even longer one to the lighthouse the end of the peninsula. It made things so much better. It was the way you liked them.

Now, when I am feeling the bluest, going for one of those kind of walks, just hours long and wandering north along the river, through the park, looping back so late the light begins to go, I feel better, somehow. I think it centers me and helps me find you.

Find me again, won’t you, little sweetheart? Find me over and over until I can be with you forever and always. With all my love.

Best in a Crisis

Sometimes, little sweetheart, when a thought or phrase comes to me, I’ll write it down quickly so I don’t forget. I’ve got dozens of little scraps of paper all over the apartment with curious scribblings like that, meant to call something to mind or just remind and prompt me to further elaboration.

One of them sitting here says this: “Best in a Crisis”. And I think that’s meant to say something about you and I together. No matter how big or even how small a problem might have ever been I could always count on you, even when I couldn’t count on myself.

A thousand others would be out the door the moment anything remotely adverse occurred but you never ever gave up on me.

And when the hardest things would befall - when my mother died, I’m thinking of that, especially just now - you literally flew to my side with love and protection.

I’m so grateful, little sweetheart. How very much I am! And I love you, love you forever and ever.

How You Forever Linger

Have I mentioned this before, little sweetheart? Sometimes when I’m just going about my day, I will sense you. It’s happened with something that I think I hear or think I see but also sometimes I suddenly sense your scent.

I’ve described it before as cotton candy and the best birthday cake anyone ever made for you. There’s something lovely and sweet about it and it calls you to my mind in an instant. It happens in all kinds of different circumstances. I might be on the street or in a store even passing through the hallway. Invariably, no one is around, it can’t be attributed to some simply passing by whose scent somehow resembles you own.

It’s a magical thing. And my heart soars each time it happens because I know you are near me.

With all my love forever.

London Memories

June is drawing to a close, little sweetheart, and a flood of memories of our times together is washing over me.

Next month, I know I’ll be thinking especially of our trip with your family up the Oregon coast over the July 4th weekend. And just now, I’m thinking about our first trip to London together.

I was already there and you flew in a few days later, on your way to a wedding later that week down in Bournemouth and then coming back to London to stay on for another week or so, I asked Joy if you could stay there with me and she of course said yes. I’d had her make a set of silver rings for you, the twin to mine, to give to you as soon as you arrived.

And we spent the days together traveling around by Tube and by foot, down to The South Bank to see shows at The National and The Globe, having ice cream and walking hand in hand along the Thames, visiting the Tate and walking over the “Wobbly” bridge to St Paul’s. We went to Covent Garden and got tickets for a show at The Donmar and found the dance studio were you took classes when you lived there after Oxford.

We got late night groceries from the Sainsbury’s and took the train back to Kentish Town where I made dinner and a crumble for you. We slept together on the little trundle bed in the guest room and went for long walks on the Hampstead Heath.

They were some of the best days of my life and one night walking back across Tower Bridge I was so overwhelmed I started to cry. You just held me in your arms and said it was okay, and told me “don’t start missing me, yet - I’m right here”. 

Yes, my darling girl, yes. I know you are. I know you are right here, closer than I can even imagine. How I love you! Forever! Forever.

It's Summer, Summer

Little sweetheart, it’s crazy hot! It’s still June but it’s been in 90’s almost everyday.

And ya know what? I haven’t even had the a/c on yet! Isn’t that crazy?! You know how much I love a/c. I don’t know why but I’ve kind of stubbornly insisted that I didn’t want to start using a/c until at least July.

I know it seems pretty random but I’ve just been dragging that big old fan along to blow on me wherever I am in the apartment, placing it about 3 feet away, and keeping on doing whatever I’m working on or sitting to have dinner or relax and even when I go to sleep dragging it over close to the bed.

I think once I turn on the a/c it won’t be off for two months, so I guess that’s why I’m toughing it out. At least you wouldn’t be freezing here sitting on the couch with me.

Remember, I got that blue cotton blanket just for you so you could bundle up when I was boiling and needed to a/c but it was making your teeth chatter? It’s still here ready for you.

Just like me - still here and waiting for you to take me home. With all my love, forever.

Again!

Little sweetheart, I saw you again last night! Two nights in a row you’ve been in my dreams. Thank you!

Last night was different from the night before - which was lovely but also a bit comical as we were in each other’s arms but people kept turning up and we kept gathering others and fleeing to yet another location just to repeat the same intrusion and seeking privacy yet again. Like I say, it was lovely and visceral but a bit of comedy, even so.

Last night was more pragmatic, you were helping me work through things, telling me to keep talking to you and letting you know everything that bothered me so you could hear and understand and help me sort things out, together.

Two nights in a row, little sweetheart, I’ve been so blessed. You’re really doing your best to get me back on track. Thank you, my love. I feel so happy and close to you!

Always A Good Sign

I’m trying to do better, little sweetheart. This long lockdown found me barely leaving the house for almost three months, just going around the corner maybe twice a week for groceries. As things have eased slightly, I’ve been starting up first with longer walks and now also trying to get back to running.

A lot of things went missing from a healthier routine during this time and I’ve found myself not feeling too well in general. Getting back, mindfully, into a better space, a better routine, better days, I was blessed last night by a visit from you in dreams.

I always know I’m on a better track when you appear to me and last night was especially wonderful, as we were very in synch and together, indeed quite intimate, if that’s not too saucy to mention. I felt so close to you my little sweetheart, and that means the world to me.

Thank you for helping and guiding me. I love you so very much, love you forever.

June 14th

Little sweetheart, it’s Flag Day.

Such a random little holiday I know but I always think of it just about being the mid point of the year. And of course I wrote that song of the same title about the very thing that first year I was out in the Bay Area trying to find work and be closer to you, geographically. I always wear my Black Flag tee on June 14th and I did today.

Of course, as ever, you are in my every thought. The last video we did - even though we’ve more recent songs from Til Morning - is the one for Flag Day, the Summer Dream version with your vocals way out front. We released it on your birthday last year. I’ve been watching it tonight, so I’ll put it up here, as well.

It’s actually just about your half birthday (May 13th, to be exact) so maybe that makes it extra appropriate. I love you!

With A Heart Full of Longing And Love

Little sweetheart, I’m doing one thing after another tonight that brings you near.

Just finished mixing one of the songs for the new album, your voice soaring above all. Then found a YouTube video of a forum at the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard about the West Wing and burst into tears as they played the theme song, my first thought of your enduring goodness.

As I was thinking about that and how I’d like to express it maybe as the caption to the big photo of you inside the CD, someone said something that suddenly made me think about the song “Leaving on a Jet Plane”.

Little sweetheart, that was one of my mom’s favorite songs and everything came to me in that moment- all the loss and my love for you.  

“Every place I go, I’ll think of you
Every song I sing, I’ll sing for you
When I come back, I’ll wear your wedding ring”.

The song is written by John Denver, but the version my mom loved was the one by Peter, Paul and Mary, and afternoon that last line that Mary Traverse sings, they repeat, almost plaintively shouting in the background, “I’ll wear your ring!”

Oh my little sweetheart, I’m weeping as I write this. I miss you so! Please please please help and guide and take me to you as soon as heaven will allow. Love forever.

Of, For and About - You!

Little sweetheart, someone was talking to me the other day about that little documentary we did last year about the making of our album Til Morning Is Nigh. I’m pretty sure I’ve written a little bit about it within these pages, probably at the time of its release last fall.

What this person said though was very nice because he was particularly struck by the Part Six, in which I speak at some length about you. So, I actually watched it last night for the first time, I think, since we filmed it. It’s here below.

As always, you are so very much in my every thought. With all my love.

Upon This Therme

Little sweetheart, surely I’ve said this before within these pages and further echoing what I said the other day about your enduring goodness, I must repeat it here.

The news is so troubling. I can’t avoid it entirely and it is of some import to know a bit of what’s going on but to also know when to stop taking in so much awfulness because it can drive one to despair.

So, to your goodness and… watching The West Wing.

Some might think that’s an obvious haven, a somewhat utopian vision of a good government to retreat to in fiction when the real life one we’re having to endure is as reprehensible as it is. But I have a deeper connection because you gave it to me, You brought West Wing to me, famously lending me the Serafin box set of the first four seasons and proudly telling your mother you had done just that. Just hearing the theme sing each night brings me to tears because it so perfect conjures you and, as I say in a ringing refrain - your enduring goodness. How I love you!

Please help and guide me today and every day, little sweetheart.

With all my love forever.

Finding Goodness

Little sweetheart, a couple of awful events have transpired over the last couple of days here across the country, which was already in the midst of a global pandemic. The murder of a black man by police officers in Minnesota, the most shocking of them, protestors, including myself, have taken to the streets, as I know you yourself would be moved to do.

And it’s made me remember, as ever, your beautiful, thoughtful, parents, who  - half our age at the time, your mother not even yet 20 - took the streets themselves after hearing of the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. The news reaching them on campus at UCLA, your mom and dad immediately decided to hitchhike to Memphis, where Dr King had been murdered, and then on to Atlanta where his funeral was held. I think they twenty bucks between them, but they just set off east because they were compelled to do so.

Whenever I think of you, little sweetheart, the first thing that always comes to mind is your enduring goodness. And when I think of your lovely parents, I understand in part, how they helped instill and foster that very goodness in you.

I love you so very much and you, as ever, in my every thought.