Tuesday, May 31, 2016

What You Always Teach Me

They're doing the layout for Electric Hymnal, little sweetheart, and they asked me this morning about the resolution of one of the photos we're using inside - a beautiful one of you that you took yourself and sent to me when we were apart for a week or so while you were down in Carmel in rehearsals for The Blue Room. I'm pretty sure it's going to be just fine because I have quite a big enlargement of it framed and hanging in the bedroom here (with a lovely sculpture of an angel just above it). But I went back into Mail to look for the original message you sent it in to make sure I had the highest res version.

Oh, little sweetheart, how wonderful just to look through a few of our many, many emails to each other. Even ones I sometimes think about and regret in the back of my mind, believing that they may have been sad, are not. Even when there has been some misunderstanding - and I like to remember and point that out, we are passionate and emotional and crazy and intense with each other, not cautious and quiet and reserved but big and messy and just in it! Thank god! - we both pour our hearts out to each other. No one gets on a high horse or goes silent or threatens or walks away. We both pour our hearts out in love and detail and longing to be together immediately and in super re-assurance that no-no-no, it was MY fault and I LOVE you.

Oh, sweetheart, there is no one like you ever. I am so blessed to have been loved by you and to STILL be so. I feel you with me in my best moments, sometimes even in my worst. Looking through these just for a short time today made me remember that (not like I ever forget, not really) and to know that even in those moments that I could just about kill myself for ever having been cross or stupid, any moment that might have been squandered by a misunderstanding however brief, we came back at it, never letting go of each other, always finding our way, never hiding how we feel, only ever wanting each other even more.

It's hard not to feel regretful for any moment not seized upon. I know you understand that more than anyone. You were so impatient with life, wanting everything now! I love that about you. And today taught me that again.

I'll tell you: it was about that morning you left here to fly to Thailand in the middle of the night and you didn't want me to go to JFK with you and you were all wound up and had barely slept and what I had mis-remembered about it, what sat on my chest like a thousand ton weight, was that when finally I did let you go on your own, that what you really wanted me to do was go anyway and that I failed. And I do wish that I had defied you and just gotten into a cab and been at your side until - like it usually was whenever we had to part at an airport - security had to intervene. But...

But I see now what we wrote at the time. We both poured our hearts out to each other from halfway around the world, frustrated that we couldn't be instantly in touch and instantly in each other's arms and so unguardedly apologizing, both of us only angry at ourselves, and telling each other everything with longing and honesty and the deepest truest love.

You always made things right, my little sweetheart. My angel. And you taught me to do that, too. I don't need to avoid anything or feel regret (well, not too much). I just need, as I always have and always will, to trust in you, trust in us. Everything I need, everything I am, can be found there.

Love you forever... xM

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